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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Not sure how to cope

951 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 19:47

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 20/04/2015 16:44

The priority is to get a solicitor, get the finances sorted and childcare

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 20/04/2015 16:44

I don't know what to do about custody of the twins. I said was he just going to see them one evening a week and on weekends He said no he would eventually like to have them 50/50 but for now a night a week and every other weekend would be acceptable.

I don't want to only have my children half the time they are my children

OP posts:
Ratfinkandbobo · 20/04/2015 16:45

I'm really sorry you're going through this traumaFlowers
It sounds like he is relieved you found out, perhaps purposely let you find out, as he didn't have the balls to tell you himself. The spineless dickAngry
Imho they deserve each other, as Oscar Wilde said "a man who marries his mistress merely creates a vacancy"
I now that is no consolation to you now but keep it in mind for future reference when he gets bored with her and looks for pastures new.
I wish you and the twins all the bestFlowers

BoredAdminGirl · 20/04/2015 16:45

Would be acceptable?! To who?! He can bloody well take on 50/50 of teh responsibility now.

I'm sure the anger will kick in soon OP.

Are you going to tell his family your side of the story before he does?

LaurieFairyCake · 20/04/2015 16:46

Oh what a horrible update.

The best advice I would give you is to do the opposite of what I did. Be dignified and express your fury elsewhere and avoid weeping and trying to get him to pick you. Have very little contact.

You can't prevent him from taking the children to meet the girlfriend so I would just ignore any comment whatsoever, just be as clinical as possible. Don't talk to him, confine what you have to say to email so you have a record

I would consider getting him to take the children out on the weekend, that's when he's going to have contact anyway in the future - it might destroy any idea he has about the romance of the situation he's in. I appreciate how difficult that would be to do.

What he has done and said is just awful. He's saying that all the decisions are his to make. That "They'd need more time to work out what happened next" - that sentence makes me feel so angry on your behalf.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 20/04/2015 16:49

Laurie when he said that I alloy broke down. They have stuff to work out I just feel completely cut out and sidelined. How can I suddenly be so unimportant after 12 years together.

He said he'd have them 50/50 from now if I wanted but I Started to cry at the though so he said the other arrangement would be acceptable while I adjust to the idea.

OP posts:
Ratfinkandbobo · 20/04/2015 16:50

See a solicitor about custody, if he works f/t how can he have them 50/50?
If he has them EOW where is he going to have them? Not at her place be firm on that!
Perhaps once he sees how much hafx work it is to look after twins alone, he will drop the idea.
Make sure you call the shots, he's the one whose fucked up!

Fontella · 20/04/2015 16:54

What an utterly cold hearted, clinical, callous bastard he is.

Did he show any concern for you whatsoever OP, any remorse - apart from the 'sorry you found out this way' bollocks? His responses sound almost surreal.

As others have already said, I think this fucker is going to come down to earth with an almighty bang once the reality hits, as it surely must.

It doesn't sound as if OW is ready to welcome him with open arms either - she's playing it very cautious. The attraction for her might just have been that he was married and 'unavailable.' Him being suddenly available to her, might not be what she wants. Dirty texts, pictures and blow jobs in the office is one thing and all the 'excitement' that entails ... but it sounds to me if she's full aware of her charms and likes the attention she gets from men, and not just your H.

Once word gets out to family, friends and colleagues what these two have been up to .... maybe then the reality will start to hit home to them both.

Ratfinkandbobo · 20/04/2015 16:54

I feel so bad for you op, he has treated you with utter contempt. Once you get over the shock, you will get angry.

ravenmum · 20/04/2015 16:55

It's the same sense of entitlement mixed with self-delusion that makes them "treat" themselves to an affair that also makes them think they can call the shots and organise your life without feeling any embarrassment that they have put you in this situation.

It is just horrible now. Hope you have support. Don't hold back from telling others or getting medical advice. It does get better eventually.

LaurieFairyCake · 20/04/2015 16:56

I can honestly say it took me a year to cope with the sudden change.

You thought your life was one way. Married with children. Now you're being told you lose your kids half the time and they go to be with another woman as your husband has completely replaced you with her.

It's literally the worst thing ever. And there is no right or wrong answer about what to do (apart from fabulous practical advice about solicitors and financial control).

It might make you feel better to say you don't want to speak to him again ever and you will only communicate by email or solicitors or 3rd party.

Or that might be the worst thing ever for you as he then gets to swan around going to the pub and dinner with her scot free.

There is no best answer. It might be you want him to do 50/50 immediately to destroy the romance or weekends to make him see what it's like to be a weekend dad - but that might feel utterly unbearable.

I'm so utterly sorry for you Flowers

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 20/04/2015 16:57

I'm scared to tell him to have them this weekend. He doesn't have anywhere to live so he might take them to OW house! As her child is with his dad she has a fully kitted out bedroom

OP posts:
kayls2910 · 20/04/2015 16:58

I have just read this thread and feel so bad for you Ophelia and Laurie. I am also going through this. My DH decided in the New Year that he wasn't happy anymore so went to live with at his mum and dads, but kept saying that he might come home to me and the kids, continued to come round when he wanted and be all over me (I know I was bloody stupid to let him!)
. I asked him numerous times whether there was anyone else and he always swore blind there wasn't. Then I found a confirmation email in his sent items for a cheap hotel which he had forwarded to the OW. She is also someone he works with and is also married. I am now in the process of filing for divorce. I do have moments of weakness still where I think I miss him but then I think of all the lies he's told and I soon forget about missing him. He was also someone who I never ever thought would do something like this and everybody is shocked by his behaviour. Thinking of you OP

sassandfaff · 20/04/2015 16:59

You know that viscous tongue I mentioned?

"Starting a relationship would be disrespectful"

As oppose to sucking his dick while you're still together?

She is either delusional and believes her own shite or she is playing Mrs reasonable to your perceived unreasonable.

I'd be more inclined to think the latter.

She is very accommodating isn't she with regards to the arrangements and dc's and pointed out how her and the ex have such a good relationship.

Might that be because he wasn't sticking his dick in the office totty?

I think she might not have had such a willingness to get along with him then.

BoredAdminGirl · 20/04/2015 17:02

I'm scared to tell him to have them this weekend. He doesn't have anywhere to live so he might take them to OW house! As her child is with his dad she has a fully kitted out bedroom

I'm sure things would come crashing down for them if he turned up with his family and a suitcase. On the other hand it wouldn't be fair to use your children this way.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 20/04/2015 17:03

How is he going to afford the two lifestyles?

sassandfaff · 20/04/2015 17:04

Sorry, I was mad on your behalf. Blush

Thanks
LaurieFairyCake · 20/04/2015 17:05

He will definitely take them there, he's not suddenly going to develop a conscience. To him he's now left you and in a relationship with her - ive found through seeing this happen dozens of time that there's a very small window of them feeling guilty and doing the right thing financially etc.

Within a very short time they switch to "Ive left, get over it, and now I want my money out this house to go and set up home with her"

Tell everyone, he won't like it.

I know it's pointless saying this right now to you but I can honestly say you will get through it - within a year I was blissfully remarried to someone who adores me even 15 years later.

Ratfinkandbobo · 20/04/2015 17:07

Yes sass this hussy is a piece of work isn't she? What a complete bitch! And making out she's such a reasonable personAngry
Op I'm so sorry this pair of utter bastards have treated you and twins this way and sit calmly discussing it, making out they are a fucking pair of saints!

BoredAdminGirl · 20/04/2015 17:08

Tell everyone, he won't like it

THIS

Christinayangstwistedsister · 20/04/2015 17:08

I hope Karma bites them on the arse!

namechange2015 · 20/04/2015 17:09

"Starting a relationship would be disrespectful"As oppose to sucking his dick while you're still together?

Also, how did things end with her ex? Did they have 12 years of happiness & then cheat & lie? Your other half is a piece of work to start comparing you like that & putting pressure on you to be 'good' about it.

I wish I knew this woman I'd give her a piece of my mind!!

So, so sorry op

parsnipbob · 20/04/2015 17:11

Pair of cunts. Sorry. I don't have any other words for them. You have been treated appallingly OP. I'm so so sorry for you. My Dad left my mum for her best friend. They lasted two months, but it's been ten years and I still haven't forgiven him, and I never will. On the other hand my mother is the light of my life. As you are, and will always be, to your DCs.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 20/04/2015 17:11

Get angry...tell everyone

DieselSpillages · 20/04/2015 17:13

I'm sure his fantasy will come crashing down when the cold light of reality hits him and he realises what he has lost. Just don't be accomodating when his regrets start kicking in. What a dick he's being. I am so sorry Op Flowers