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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Not sure how to cope

951 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 19:47

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

OP posts:
parsnipbob · 20/04/2015 12:40

OP I don't have much to add but I just want to say how very sorry I am for you. Please take care of yourself x

sebsmummy1 · 20/04/2015 12:47

Ophelia if she was that perfect why is she on her own?

Justusemyname · 20/04/2015 12:50

She's trying to be nice and oh I'm so cool I can even talk nicely about the women and children I am betraying. He is trying to be so reasonable he isnt even slagging off his wife. Aren't I a lovely man?!

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 20/04/2015 13:00

I agree with above comments but I also think if this really hasn't been going on for very long, OW is going to be in for a massive shock when she realises how real it's suddenly got.

ravenmum · 20/04/2015 13:01

They know that what they are doing is horrible, so they have to convince themselves and one another that they are actually very lovely, wonderful people who just happened to find themselves in this situation, and through no fault of their own gave in to their love as it was stronger than them. This makes them behave all lovely and perfect, kind, caring etc. apart from the ties when they give in to their oh-so-deep passion. My husband was at his most morally holier-than-thou while having his affair.

sebsmummy1 · 20/04/2015 13:08

God raven has it spot on. They have to agree with each other that they are each other's soul mate, Romeo and Juliet, kindred spirits, otherwise what they actually are are nasty, skanky liars who cheat and have no respect for their children. Anyone who doles out blow jobs in the work place ain't Mary Theresa, that's for sure.

sebsmummy1 · 20/04/2015 13:09
  • Mother not Mary doh
sassandfaff · 20/04/2015 13:10

The reason why they can write such nice things and she can even mention you and the dc's in passing, is because they don't view themselves as that sort of cheater.

They didn't mean for this to happen, they tried their best to just limit it to flirting, then phone sex, then just oral. Etc etc. They are not bad people therefore and they did try to think of you and dc's, but they fell for each other and they couldn't help that.

I very much doubt he didn't know if she was willing to take it further onto a relationship. The more I think about it, the more I believe he told her that night and/or they have already discussed the possibility.

You wouldn't walk out on a marriage for a few fumbles, oral and 1 sex unless you knew it was going to progress.

I know your mind is filled full of images and texts' and questions and what if's. And I understand this is a process. But you need to understand that this will not help you. You are wasting your energies and you are just tying yourself in a knot with no acceptable outcome.

You need to get to this point as fast as possible. Then it's action time. And usually your friend- the rage will come. How dare he treat you this way? Who the hell does he think he is? Etc.

We all feel if for you, because we are not emotional attached.

LastNightADJSavedMyLife · 20/04/2015 13:14

Just think for a minute about what he said about her

  • he thought she was alright to wank over
  • he thought it a laugh that everyone fancied her but she chatted to him
  • he was only interested when other people fancied her
  • he was only interested in her when she fancied someone else
  • he got her giving him blow jobs and a shag in the office

You imagine your mate was telling you this about a new bloke she was seeing who was married. Would you think he's a catch or a complete scummer? Regardless of her morality his attitude towards this woman is terrible. I really don't think we are talking soul mates.

I hope eventually it will become obvious you had a lucky escape. He's cock.

Agree with the "this is how it will be" conversation. He is now responsible for the DT's half the week. Can he collect Wednesday at 5pm (say) and Drop off Sunday morning. He needs to pay you £x amount.

That'll get the little git's attention

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 20/04/2015 13:15

Sebs unfortunately I know that answer to that question from the Christmas party where this other guy was trying to find out info about her. According to the girl who is good friend a with H and OW she decided to spend 2014 working on herself and getting her life back on track after the break down of her relationship. According to the he gossip at the time she just wasn't interested in a new relationship.

Maybe that's why she was happy to have an affair with my Husband easy and no strings attached but surely she could find other guys for that. There must be plenty of men in the office who would have jumped at the chance.

Honestly H is fairly good looking but there is nothing crazy special so I don't see why he managed to win her

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 20/04/2015 13:27

She isn't anything special, she is someone who gives a married man a blow job in her work place...she is vile

She picked your dh because he was easy

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 20/04/2015 13:29

He's text me to say he's going to leave work at 2pm so we can talk before he packs up some stuff.

OP posts:
Justusemyname · 20/04/2015 13:33

Do you want to talk to him? You really don't have too.

Weebirdie · 20/04/2015 13:33

Tell him there is no talking to be done. That you wont be in when he takes his things.

AwesomeAlmonds · 20/04/2015 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

namechange2015 · 20/04/2015 13:36

Hi Ophelia, God you are going through so many emotions right now. Give yourself time to process them all.
With regards to how lovely witty pretty etc she is - 1. She can't be. She's a lying, cheating slag (blow jobs at work Jesus how classy) 2. think about it, even your dh didn't think she'd be interested in him so why is she?? Clue: she's not really. This is a woman with v few morals. Do not compare yourself to her Ophelia, you have more integrity in your little finger!!
With regards to her spending time with your twins, perhaps there's someone here who can advise how, but I would be spitting fire about that one. Make it very clear to him you want her nowhere your kids (at least until the divorce has gone through) Flowers

sassandfaff · 20/04/2015 13:36

I wouldn't talk either.

I would text back,

I would rather not have you in my company right now, I'm too busy surrounding myself with people who give a fuck about me. I will be in touch when I feel able to look at you.

Prick.

But understandable if you want answers.

AwesomeAlmonds · 20/04/2015 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vivacia · 20/04/2015 13:40

He's text me to say he's going to leave work at 2pm so we can talk before he packs up some stuff.

Pack a bag, leave it on the doorstep and a note that you're not ready to talk to him yet.

I think you will ignore this advice and end up talking to him this afternoon and you will feel like shit afterwards.

namechange2015 · 20/04/2015 13:40

Try to stay away when he comes to get his things! Tempting as it may be to go over it again, his couldn't care less attitude is only going to hurt you more, he's not going to suddenly become remorseful is he. That will come later when he realises what an utter twat he is.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 20/04/2015 13:44

Thank you all. I'm know I'm in shock right now so don't seem to be listening or taking in all your excellent advice but I promise I am.

I don't want to talk to him really I just want him to get his stuff and get out of my sight.

I hate that everywhere I look are family pictures and us as a happy couple.

OP posts:
sassandfaff · 20/04/2015 13:46

Take them down sweetheart. No point hurting yourself unnecessarily for the time being.

Vivacia · 20/04/2015 13:47

I hate that everywhere I look are family pictures and us as a happy couple.

I must admit, in my case, I put one of these in his bag. He'd written "love you forever" on it.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 20/04/2015 13:48

Oh op, he is going to try and justify his behavior, he needs space, time to think, things haven't been right, he didn't mean it etc etc etc

If you want to see him the use the time wisely, catch Him off guard by mentioning solicitors, maintenance , access, and telling family

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 20/04/2015 13:51

Hope this afternoon goes ok for you.

From the sound of it, it seems as he thinks all of the decisions are his. I would try to put him on the back foot with composure and disdain, outlining how things will work. Obviously if he's going to leave you can't stop him but ensure that's the only decision he gets to make. And if he wants to stay? That's definitely YOUR decision, not his.

Good luck and stay strong.