Affair - Not sure how to cope

[OpheliaRose]

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

OR, I am so sorry. No advice as not qualified but do let your mum help. She would want you to tell her anything and she will be able to support you.

I'd stop talking to your husband. Let him sweat. Sort out some money and remember he is no longer in your team and can not be trusted any more.

contact a solicitor asap

You are married so the house is half yours I think.

I would be inclined to tell him that you forgive him and as far as you're concerned it's all in the past. Just to see if he is willing to place you above Monica Lewinsky. You can later decide that actually no you don't forgive him or can't or don't even want to. But it makes his immediate intentions clear.

He sounds kind of thrilled for it all to be out in the open.

And if he is really leaving. Then make sure he does 50:50 childcare because you are going back to work.

Tell him what evenings he can come and get the kids and take them for dinner

ask him what he is going to tell the kids and his family

He will have told ow that he has told you everything as he couldn't stand it anymore, not that you found out and booted him out

Tell him you will drop his stuff at work so that he can just give it to her to take to her house (don't do it obviously, just make him panic)

Yes, please go and see a lawyer. She will help you get all your ducks in a row so that he doesn't start emptying bank accounts and selling off your family home.

You're married? He doesn't own your house - you both do.

Get half the cash out of the joint account today. Get a half hour with a solicitor and get advice about the house - but basically, the bottom line is that it's a marital asset, it doesn't matter whose name is on the papers if you're married (although you might want to put a charge on it so that he can't do anything with it, eg remortgage, without you knowing) - the house is half yours and when you divorce, you can request something called a mesher order which means that you get to stay in the house with the children until they're 18 which is when it gets sold and assets split. If not, house will be a martial asset and divided appropriately - which usually means that you get more if you're primary carer and will have children living with you and/or you've taken a career break/downgrade to care for children.

The house isn't his, as long as you are married it doesn't matter one fuckdoodle whose name is on the deeds.

But absolutely withdraw half (if not more, for maintenance in advance as it will obviously take him a while to set things up...) of the money in the joint account NOW.

My ex is still with his OW; I'll admit that I'm curious to see how long it takes her to work out that he is not the poor, innocent victim and amazing man and dad that she expected after all - but it is not something I spend a lot of time thinking about. Over time I've remembered more and more of his own faults, have realised that his treating me with disrespect does not make me a failure, that life is in many ways better without him, and that I now have a chance to forget him and make a new start. The whole thing has changed my outlook on life and I feel I've learnt and developed from it. It has taken me a while, had psychotherapy which helped, and I'm not going to thank him for what he did, but the end result is definitely not all bad. The less I see of him, the easier it is to forget about him or what he might be doing.

Alpha naively I was thinking last night I'd tell him I could forgive him but honestly I don't believe he'd choose me and I'm not sure I can face the actual conformation of that.

I've not had to see a solicitor before so I don't really know where to start.

I've been onessivily checking Facebook through his account. I know it's terrible hit I just want to know if they are talking right now. A notification has popped up to say he's been tagged in a post. Apparently out for lunch with his old team mates and she is there too. I'm so crushed how can they go out for lunch with people knowing that I'm sat at home my life falling apart. Are they giving each other secret glances when I'm mentioned or am I not even a thought to any of them since they all bloody adore her and think he's such a nice guy

Would she seriously move a man, who she barely knows, into her home when she has a child? No one will continue to think these two are 'wonderful' people if that happens.

My dsd's mum did this and she lost so respect and friendships from it.

What sassandfaff said. He was living out the fantasy of being the popular boy at school, and winning the popular girl. It's all very childish. You have all the detail you need, dont torture yourself. Knowing more and more detail won't make anything easier, no matter where you go from here.

Don't look for the pics. Don't look for anything or ask too many questions.
Yiu will not get anything that you want out of it, just cause yourself more grief.
I pretty much blocked myself to what they were doing once Id decided he was going.
Nb. The ow was twenty odd years younger than ME abd had had. No kids.
I had had four kids and a mastectomy so felt unattractive to say the very least.
She has since had 3 kids, is fat, haggard looking and he is still a twat and has cheated.
I am glowing, lost weight and extremely happy.
Karma is very powerful I find.

I think a woman who is up for blowjobs at work will do anything

No he's not thinking about you, he's out having a lovely time at lunch, not a care in the world

He fancies some freedom, no responsibilities and a chance to fuck around. Look up the nearest solicitor that deals with divorce and phone them.

I've not had to see a solicitor before so I don't really know where to start.

Do you have any family or friends who might be able to recommend or tell you to avoid a divorce lawyer?

Also, Google and aim to ring 6 up before tea time. Make appointments to see each one for half an hour. Attend the meetings and see which one you like.

And I no I said STOP TALKING TO HIM and I mean it, but if you are going to talk to him, tell him this weekend is his weekend to have the kids and would he like them Tuesday or Thursday evening this week?

Grr at "no" for "know". Obviously too excited to write NO TALKING TO HIM.

Your questions are just minor irritations to him whilst he enjoys his exciting, first day of freedom. Trust me, I know

vivacia - thank you I'm going to google solicitors now. I don't know anyone else who's been trough a divorce a lot of my friends aren't actually married just been with DPs a long time.

I hate the idea I'll have to share time with my children and there will be days they are not with me. I hate the idea that they'll be spending time with him and eventually her

No, he isn't thinking of you at all, no, he wouldn't 'choose' you right now.

It's like being on drugs. He's high on luuurve - and no, it doesn't mean a thing and isn't real.

It might get real, at some point in the future. However, it's unlikely. These kind of things don't tend to last. Right now he (and probably she) are being giddy sixteen year olds and nothing else matters. He's being particularly, shockingly childish in his reaction to it, which only shows you JUST how superficial and ultimately poor quality he is as a person. Again, I say lucky you for having this revealed now and not in ten years' time.

Poor fucker, really. He's losing a lot more than he'll gain. By the time he comes to see that, I hope you won't give a shit.

Google family law solicitors.

Ring all the ones local to you and ask if they do a free half hour's advice.

Call CAB and ask if they'd recommend any particular one.

It's probably a good idea to get an initial meeting with a few and see who you have a good feeling with.

It sounds scary but it doesn't have to be.

sass has written some excellent posts.

Time to get angry and even OP, hit his pocket as that's the place it will actually hurt him.

OP it's a shock, isn't it? You wouldn't think they would talk about certain things, and I know it's one of the things I found hardest to deal with. I found emails between them talking about the children, and about me. What we did together, normal stuff and sexual chats as well. And I mean sexual chats about me and him! I suspect it happens a lot.

They talk about such normal stuff and when they do mention me the kids her ex or her kid it's all so friendly and not what I expect from two people having an affair. I'd expect her to come across as attention grabbing snide or cruel but she's witty kind and obviously has a lot in common with him.

Ophelia, she's not witty and kind she's vile and nasty - those are the common traits she has with him.