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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Not sure how to cope

951 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 19:47

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

OP posts:
TalkingOwl · 22/04/2015 19:30

Don't worry about the OW. You have and are worth so much more!

My heart breaks for you (and I expected better from your MIL). Listen to PP and gather your friends and family round you for support. Its hard changing how you normally think but you ned to start putting yourself first.

30 is the new 20. Xx

GERTI · 22/04/2015 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ledkr · 22/04/2015 19:32

Op I was 36 with 4 kids and a ruined body.
I had so much fun and loads of (ahem) dates Grin

I met my now dh when I was 40 and he was 29 Then had our dd at 43.

We have travelled the world together, laugh daily and have just bought a campervan for some fun times with the kids.
In the summer we are travelling around Europe in it with about 3 outfits each and are attending 3 festivals where we will dance till the morning.

I am 47 now. Enough with your "life over at 30" nonsense.
Your life will be over when you are dead and not a minute before.

I love that you got your hair done, yes go blonde and swish it often.

Ratfinkandbobo · 22/04/2015 19:39

Ledkr I too have a much younger partner Wink

Phoenix0x0 · 22/04/2015 19:39

ledkr

Smile
Mama1980 · 22/04/2015 19:40

He wants to give you notice ?! Angry your husband is a total and utter arse, I hope your brother makes him squirm.
And I know it feels like your world has ended, that it's impossible, to start again but 30 isn't old. You'll need time to heal but there is a wonderful life just waiting for you.
I'm 34 single mum to 4 children, my ex left when I was pregnant with my youngest ds. My body is fried. But very tentatively I'm dating again, you'll get there too. But one step at a time try not to think too far ahead it must seem overwhelming.
Thinking of you.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 22/04/2015 19:50

Ledkr

Lovely story

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 22/04/2015 20:00

I'm so glad to be able to come and read all your encouraging messages.

DB text me to tell me he went to the Pub H wasn't there yet jut OW was with a guy and a girl from work. DH came in walked over th DB and said he assumed is told him and he wasn't going to get intoning in a public place as they've been friends for years and he doesn't want to embarrass me but if he wants to embarrass himself that's fine.

My brother just told him to fuck off and they'd talk later. He's totally the worst. He was so kind and sweet when we where younger. I don't understand why my DH has gone

OP posts:
ladygoinggrey · 22/04/2015 20:02

OP. Flowers

Your husband's chosen to behave terribly. Truly awful. Look after you and the twins.
You are managing amazingly well, so glad you saw solicitors today.

30 is so young. I wasn't even married at 30. I wish you strength and all the best.

mamaneedsamojito · 22/04/2015 20:03

Sounds like H is starting to sweat a bit... Trying to head off any confrontation because he knows he'll come out of it looking like the shit he is!

Slowtrain2dawn · 22/04/2015 20:04

Wow, you are AMAZING and I am just another delurker Ophelia who wants to say so!
PLEASE don't doubt yourself in anyway, he is a spineless wanker ( literally) who is not worthy of you.
Go blonde, embrace the ice queen and do not ever compare yourself to OW.
He has made a massive mistake. Right now he might be sat in a pub in his delusional bubble but when it bursts you will have moved on. Flowers to you and all the other pp's who have survived and thrived.

Phoenix0x0 · 22/04/2015 20:07

Sorry to be blunt but he is not dear anything a vile, self centred arsehole

Your DB sounds like a Star and gave dignified response to the twunt....

Ubik1 · 22/04/2015 20:08

Wow.
I cannot believe he is claiming some sort of moral high ground. Shock

Look whatever front his work colleagues are putting up they will still be privately thinking that he is a prize prick for leaving his wife and toddler twins.
However much he tries to spin thus into 'let's all be grown ups and I can do my sound bloke routine' people at work will be Shock

I'm so sorry he is doing this to you. But fucking hell you can't let him have it all his own way.

GERTI · 22/04/2015 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

magoria · 22/04/2015 20:22

Nothing your H does is an embarrassment to you.

The only person who should be ashamed and embarrassed is him.

Unfortunately the best form of defence is a good offence. Your H has gone straight on the attack with anyone who can embarrass him and show him for what he is.

At least your DB can see the measure of him now.

Justusemyname · 22/04/2015 20:25

He said if your brother wanted to embarrass himself?Shock

AvaCrowder · 22/04/2015 20:25

I worked in an office with two single people who started a relationship and kept it secret. I resented them because I thought we were all friends and they lied to me by saying, 'oh no we are just friends.'

Some of the people they work with will feel the same, lose respect for them both, especially as he is married and she made the other men feel special. When they find out the truth the will feel like your husband and his ow have been laughing at them behind their backs.

GERTI · 22/04/2015 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeyonceRiRiMadonna · 22/04/2015 20:34

DAMN! I for one was hoping your DB beat the sh*t out of him, the TWAT! Give you a "heads up", what an inconsiderate heartless Bas-tardo!!!

I know violence is not the answer, but this guy?!?!?! He doesn't have the decency to allow OP "to catch up" he's just carrying on, it's business as usual for him. He checked out ages ago, common courtesy is to allow you a bit of time at least! Seriously I'm soooo angry, sorry OP!

Christinayangstwistedsister · 22/04/2015 20:34

Tomorrow's aim...telling everyone and in detail

Phoenix0x0 · 22/04/2015 20:38

This is why you need to ask DB to act as a third party. H won't mess and dear brother won't put up with is shite.

H was defo rattled....don't embaress yourself...aka don't embaress me or her as no one knows anything yet.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 22/04/2015 20:41

If I was your brother I would have walked over and told both of them what I thought of them in front of everyone....perhaps he could ask him why has he abandoned his children

Livingtothefull · 22/04/2015 20:45

Nothing to add to the great advice you have received on here, just wanted to say I am thinking of you, am truly sorry you are being put through such a horrible time. I'm glad you have RL support too. You should not feel the slightest bit embarrassed.

And 30 is really really young….am so sure you have better times ahead of you!

Theoldcauliflower · 22/04/2015 20:47

Op I didn't meet dp till I was 30, and we are getting married, it's for keeps! Your life is going to start now HONESTLY! What I can't get my head round is he is rubbing salt in your open wound, think about that!

DONT FORGIVE THAT!!!!

NEVER!!

I've had my first child's dad shagging my best mate!

Everything these brilliant ladies on here tell you, bloody listen!

I just want to brake ow teeth on your behalf!

Ledkr · 22/04/2015 20:51

Remember, you are a gorgeous newly single newly blonde mother of two, you are dignified and loyal and do not give blow jobs to married men at work.
Hold your head high and learn to fucking strut.
Look at what you have dealt with the last few days and today YOU WENT TO THE HAIRDRESSERS!!!
You are a strong capable marvellous woman who has the chance to make a new and lovely life.
Just imagine what might happen.
You might do something really amazing, meet a millionaire or a gorgeous younger man (high fives ratfink)
The world is your oyster my darling.