Affair - Not sure how to cope

[OpheliaRose]

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

Ophelia you think you have lost - what you have actually done is gained the chance to get something bigger, better and get rid of the utter, arse wipe of a man out of your life. Think of it as a opportunity

DB has said he's going to the pub after work with a friend so will see DH there.

I'm very nervous

Ophelia, Im one of a group of ladies here in there late 50's and early 60's making new lives for themselves after being married for a lifetime.

Of course you'll find it hard to believe that you'll be ok, but you will, in fact you'll be more than OK.

xx

Don't be.

If your DB says anything to him, it's what he deserves.

If H Contacts you after. Ignore. Ignore.ignore.

I was fixated on how apparently stbxh's was going so well whilst the bottom of my world had fallen out. I burned from the sheer unfairness of it all.

I was 29 when I finally left him and convinced myself nobody would touch me with three DC and furthermore, I didn't want to meet anyone anyway. But, here I am, at 31 and I'm very very happy. I've returned to work after being a SAHP during my marriage, I've met a really great guy whom I trust implicitly (something I never thought I'd be able to do agsin). Life is very good. STBXH on the other hand is single and absolutely miserable.

It may seem right now that your H has walked away Scott free but the worm will turn and it will his turn to burn.

Paradoxically, you may find him begging you back much harder than this bit (I am convinced he will at some point just like the vast majority of cheating men do and my STBXH did and it will inevitably be when he senses you detaching) so I would prepare myself. I had loads of revenge fantasies written in my journal .

You DB ought to say something to him, little toad that he is (your H that is).

I sometimes think all this moral high ground stuff means some utter utter twats get away with murder without ever being called out on it.

Oh yes your DB saying hes not interested in another man's wank fodder - oh didnt you know that's how he described you to my DSis might bring it home to the OW that her days of playing the boys are coming to an end....

It's an awful story hope you're ok Ophelia

Please don't hide away. That is for people who have done something wrong, who have things to be ashamed of. If you want to go out. GO!! If you want your brother to sort him out, LET HIM!

You have done nothing wrong at all. Your husband is a dick head. She is a bitch.

You are lovely, gorgeous and lovable. You are most definitely young enough to start again and have a brood of kids with the local hotty if you so choose -while he gets fat and wrinkles from baby sitting slappers kids while she is out shagging the next twat

OP you should give us the name of the pub these two tossers are in ;)

It sounds like your ex has other things on his mind but I always recommend going through all your accounts etc and changing your passwords. Do you share Apple ids?

Email
Facebook etc
Amazon/john Lewis etc
Bank accounts
Sky
BT
Home router/broadband etc
Phone contracts

Get your friend and go out, even if it's just for a walk or a (different pub) or dinner. You need a bit of normality on your life right now and getting out will be good for you.

'Blood is thicker than water'-
I hope your bro will not physically kick his ass- just figuratively.
I hope that he will drop her nickname- as suggested by Flip.
It will be nice if he could be theatrical and announce them at some stage-
to all the chaps at the pub- something along the lines '?I looked for a stationery cupboard in the pub but I could not find one. A pity. Apparently there is around a girl who is an ass (Ace) in giving BJs, to all men including to married fathers of twins in such cupboards'. I believe he will not be able to finish the sentence before this H goes mad and start asking your bro what he is insinuating- and that will easily convince all the crowd that he was up to some dirty games with her. H and the OW will not be able to play it anymore like innocent teens who just fell in love and are willing to break the 'petit bourgeois taboos'...
About the twins: let them have the twins; the twins will drive them mad (I have twins). (of course keep an eye open about how they are treating the twins when they get them.) Follow the advice of the hairdresser- go with friends to buy nice clothes and go to the interview for this job with your friend. 'Thirty'! It is very young. Many girls are still with Mum and Dad yet at this age!
Good Luck! (YOU ARE DOING EXTREMELY WELL!)

ophelia so glad you have told your brother x x bet your hair looks lovely. You have taken some fab steps to reclaiming your life back today. I think we should refer to OW from now on as WF (wank fodder). Immature I know .

Well I hope he does kick his arse!

I'm sorry your going through this op, your H has been an utter bastard.

So glad you have told your family and a friend, please lean on them at this hard time.

Good your DB is going to the pub, it's about time your H realised what he's been doing, disgusting man!

Don't think it will be a fairy tale ending I bet now the OW thinks she has him, no thrill there and it will end before long, she will dump him on his sorry arse.

What Phoenix said - I cited OW in divorce proceedings.

Turns out she had been cited in somebody's else's divorce proceedings too.

What an achievement in life eh? Family wrecker x 2.

Please don't think 30 is too old, I didn't meet my DH until almost 30 and started a family not long after.

The appearance of your DB at the pub may very well bring the reality of the situation out in the open as I suspect your H and OW have been living in their very insular bubble up until now, the fact that his actions have a much wider ripple effect on both your family and friends will do him good!

Well done on getting through some tough situations today, you are handling this crap with dignity, something you should be very proud about

30 is NOTHING!

Seriously, most people I know at 30 are just starting to settle down, some married, some single, some dating, only one has kids.

You have a whole life ahead of you. And you are so, so SO much better off without this douche.

Lots of good advice on this thread. If there was one part I'd pick (and failed at) it's try to refrain from all contact, and be ice cool when you do have to communicate with him. And resist all temptation to have any contact at all with her. Also definitely, definitely lock up your facebook. I hope this doesn't sound awful but I know how these things go sadly, and her friends will be looking at your page. Lock em out.

Oh and there is nothing wrong with plotting elaborate revenge schemes with a friend over wine.

Bless you op, I must admit I had a chuckle when you said your life was over at 30
Some perspective:
I left my violent abusive dickhead p at 28.
I met DP at 32 and had our twins at 40.
Your life is far from over.
Your old life is over and your new life is just starting.

Much as I've implored you to keep your composure as a way of retaining power, if you were my sister I'd walk over all nice and smiley and then say "oh hi, you must be the rancid one who gives blow jobs to married men at work. I think DH told DSIS your name was Wank Fodder?. Bye now"

Yes, 30 is so, so young.

Just don't try to think too far down the line. There are some excellent 'survival' lists on here. A solicitor being one of the things on them which you've done already.

The 'WF' is pure trouble. I don't think you need worry about taking stbxh down. He's a misguided, selfish fool with absolutely bankrupt, squalid values. And ime, those people do a pretty good job of messing up their own lives-all by themselves.

GERTI that was a great post. Op listen and take note of that.

Op, most women meet their partners and have kids at 30!

I hope you're ok, and that your brother knocks your ex' teeth out.