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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Not sure how to cope

951 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 19:47

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

OP posts:
UterusUterusGhali · 22/04/2015 15:04

God she really is a piece of work!

GatoradeMeBitch · 22/04/2015 15:07

It sounds like she may have been sending signals your DB's way too OP! Leave them to it, she'll be banging someone else at work before the year is over, I bet you a tenner! Wink

sassandfaff · 22/04/2015 15:09

Oh op. I would be fuming.

I would be tempted to get back at him whilst trying to maintain my dignity.

I thought of this, but you are probably nicer than me. Grin

Perhaps a text to him to say his mum has rung, and I see you didn't tell her about the bj in the stationery cupboard and the wank pictures. I had to put her straight on a few things.

You did put her straight on a few things, just not that, and the text doesn't actually say you did, it just reads like that....

If I was an ow who wanted to slot into another family, I would be embarrassed to hell if I thought my new mil knew that.

sminkypinky · 22/04/2015 15:12

Delurking for this. My heart is breaking for you op.

I think your friend is right about how they will pitch their story which is why you need to tell people the truth first. You really don't have anything to be ashamed of yet you're the one hiding away and they're acting like they've done nothing wrong. I'm so angry on your behalf.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 22/04/2015 15:22

In starting to get rather angry now. I feel like he's just trying to replace me with her.

I guess I can't influence how his work friends will view the situation and I know they are also good friends with her so may just stick loyalties with them. I just don't understand how they are going to explain themselves as they both work in fairly high profile areas (at their business)

I don't have the twins obviously as they are still with my mum so my friend suggested we get my brother and go out for a curry or Chinese or something but in terrified Of the idea we'll see them!

OP posts:
BoredAdminGirl · 22/04/2015 15:26

Hey OP, you should have your friend and brother round this evening and have a chinese and a good chat x

SingingHinnies · 22/04/2015 15:26

OpheliaRose do you think its possible that work already know about them and have for a while, hes told them hes leaving you but didn't tell you iyswim.

Lifeisadancefloor · 22/04/2015 15:28

A bit of practical advice - the longer you leave him to do this, the longer he has to spread his side of the story, to play the wounded soldier, to play up his unhappiness. It is classic manipulative behaviour.

I am not saying get out their and pretend everything is normal again - but you do need to defend yourself and your position. You are important, you are special and you deserve a life and a future away from him. You do not deserve to be forever tainted by his side of the story - tell your DB and other people who are important to you the facts.

Other than that remember the people that your ex and ow are going out with tonight are totally judging them, not accepting them.

I hope one day your ex will find the courage to read this thread and face up to his behaviour.

Be brave and keep going. It will last a long time but not forever

Fontella · 22/04/2015 15:29

It sounds like she may have been sending signals your DB's way too OP! Leave them to it, she'll be banging someone else at work before the year is over, I bet you a tenner!

I definitely get the same feeling about this one. Office totty loving the male attention from whatever source it comes. Now suddenly the married bloke she was messing around with, has made himself 'available' and that may not be what she wants at all. We know he's infatuated with her, but I'm not so sure she's quite so infatuated with him. Only time will tell of course but if it was a full time relationship she was after why choose the 'unavailable' bloke when by all accounts she had plenty of others chasing her? Something here doesn't add up.

.................

Ophelia well done on telling your brother - please tell everyone the TRUE version of events - the whole sorry sordid saga ... before your H puts the "they've always been close and she was a shoulder for him to cry on following the split as she's been there recently too etc and then eventually they realised they had feelings for each other" version out there.

You know that's what he's going to do ... so beat the fucker at his own game. Don't give him a chance to twist everything to his advantage. Please sweetheart - you need people onside because he's going to play dirty without any thought or regard for you or your feelings. You know that by how he's behaved already.

Ratfinkandbobo · 22/04/2015 15:30

Yay, go out with your friend and db and stop in the pub on your way.......

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 22/04/2015 15:37

Brother did suggest we go for a quick pint but I don't think I could take that humiliation

singing I'm starting to suspect maybe work knew or had an inkling that. They are all rather close especially his old team and the OW team due tinge nature of their jobs.

OP posts:
Original poster
OpheliaRose · 22/04/2015 15:37

Sorry for so many spelling mistakes I'm just asking and crying so much.

OP posts:
Lifeisadancefloor · 22/04/2015 15:38

I would place a bet on people at work knowing unfortunately, these things are very difficult to keep quiet.

Dont focus on that - its not your problem any more.

Ratfinkandbobo · 22/04/2015 15:40

I would LOVE to see the expression on their faces if you turned up. I couldn't go anywhere near them in your position, as I know I would flip and get physical,

JohnFarleysRuskin · 22/04/2015 15:42

No don't go to the pub, stay home with your friend.

Let your dbro go to pub (with photos of course)

SylvaniansAtEase · 22/04/2015 15:42

No, don't go out.

But please, PLEASE let your brother go - and fill a few choice people in on the real story - and the fact that he's only staying for a pint because he's going over to be with you as you're pretty much a mess after discovering evidence of him carrying on an affair behind your back. Yes, with her. The one with the lovely hair sitting opposite him like butter wouldn't melt.

Don't let your sense of hurt or embarrassment (which you should NOT feel at all) give him any more leeway than he already has. Start getting the truth out there. To not do so is going, at some point, to put you at a disadvantage. Give him and her a few other things to worry about rather than posting fb shots and enjoying the sun.

Lifeisadancefloor · 22/04/2015 15:46

We live in a truly messed up world when the man who has cheated and the woman who he has cheated with sit happily in the pub with friends, not embarassed in the slightest by what they have done and the innocent party, feeling hurt and embarassed is crying at home and is shattered by their behaviour.

I know thats not helpful just a reflection!

SingingHinnies · 22/04/2015 15:47

Yes hes a deceitful bastard, has had months to paint himself whatever he chooses. Please dont be embarrassed you have got absolutely nothing to be embarrassed or ashmed of. Everyone thouvht you had the perfect marriage, you did. Theres nothing remotely wrong with that, most people think they have. Hes months ahead of you, hes lied, planned and is happy he has pulled it off. Have a good cry, you need to cry then the anger and strength will come. You need to get your side out, please go out and tell your DB and friends the whole story

GERTI · 22/04/2015 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SingingHinnies · 22/04/2015 15:50

I mean go out with db just not where they are

Bambino1234 · 22/04/2015 15:52

I'm sorry to say his colleagues probably already knew something was going on - when my partner and his OW were found out none of his co workers batted an eye lid as they already knew to some extent it wasn't just a work relationship.
It is horrible not knowing but it doesn't make it any easier when you do know.
Keep your head up high and remember that you should not blame yourself, I spent the last three months blaming myself thinking it was my fault and it is their self fish decisions that have caused this.

Cherryapple1 · 22/04/2015 15:56

Please bloc him on FB - you don't need to see his updates or checkins. And block her too.

But please do tell folk the truth. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I blamed myself - but the flawed one was him, not me.

SingingHinnies · 22/04/2015 15:57

Is your DB single Op, if he is he mite be interested in a date with OW

SignoraStronza · 22/04/2015 15:57

Just hold the fantasy of your dbro going along, sitting with them at the table and merrily chatting away while they shit themselves wondering if he knows. Then you suddenly join them clutching a pint each for you and dbro - that you tip, slowly and deliberately, over each of their heads. Or perhaps a double baileys or a coke for extra stickiness on her perfect hair. It would only work if you got up straight away and left calmly - avoiding further confrontation.

SingingHinnies · 22/04/2015 15:57

Bloody phone, i automatically go into text speak and bad spelling mode

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