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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Affair - Not sure how to cope

951 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 19:47

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

OP posts:
BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 22/04/2015 14:11

Anotherbusybee yes - I do think that's what he is doing.

It took my H 2 months to come crawling back - & when I did stop all contact he got very anxious and couldn't cope with it - he had needed me to be "needy" but when I wasn't and went out buying myself bottles of chanel , expensive clothes and sexy boots , he really was dumbstruck and like a rabbit in the headlights.

HobartPaving · 22/04/2015 14:12

I think those mutual friends will be pretty thoroughly appalled at what he's done to their mate's sister.

Please do tell your brother, do you have a close relationship? Either way, blood is thicker than water. His mother has shown that.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 22/04/2015 14:17

This man is an idiot. He's embarrassing.

So 2 days after walking out on his marriage, he decides he'll be parading OW round in front of mutual friends/acquaintances?

Why might he be doing that?

  1. seeking approval from others
  2. ego boost because he thinks he'll get pats on back
  3. to goad OP into grovelling to him (again, ego boost)

He's ridiculous. Pathetic.

Fearless91 · 22/04/2015 14:18

OP, him giving you a "heads up" isn't his way of being thoughtful it's him being a heartless prick. He's doing it on purpose. Which is why you need to start telling people the exact truth.

When you do tell people, make sure you include "he's trying to make out as if our relationship was rocky but it wasn't...he's saying that to justify his cheating".

He's not thinking of your feelings so don't think of his. The whole world needs to know what a piece of shit he is! You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. People aren't gunna laugh at you or judge you..... They'll judge him for being a dirty little rat who cheats and leaves his wife and 2 kids.

He makes my blood boil.

Weebirdie · 22/04/2015 14:18

Ophelia, pls do send him the text message as suggested above and after you've done that pls do tellt those around you whats going on including all the evidence you have.

And for what its worth. I doubt they are going out with people you know. I think it was just his way of putting the boot in on you. But you know what? Even if they do go out with people you know tonight they will find out very quickly just what people think of it.

anotherbusybee · 22/04/2015 14:21

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas, its just shocking how they think they actually are the centre of your universe.

OpheliaRose, the text about going out with the OW, I don't think it was for worry about "other people" telling you because as it stands, not many people know.

It was to goad you, it was to goad you into begging and pleading with him to "come home". He is banking on stringing you along and keeping you "interested" in case his sordid little fantasy with OW doesnt work out (which it wont)

You really need to tell RL people what is going on. This shame is not yours. You have pictures etc to back up what you say. No one, but no one, would look down on you about what has happened. None of this is your fault.

The longer you leave telling people, the more people will think you have something to hide. He is taking her out, flaunting her if you like, so air his dirty laundry out. NOne of it is reflected back on you.

But be careful not to tell people your plans, you dont want anything getting back to him in these early days

Justusemyname · 22/04/2015 14:25

I'm so sorry, Ophelia. What a dick he is.

Justusemyname · 22/04/2015 14:26

Maybe the telling you in advance is because people will assume he's cheating on you. Yet he can say, no of course not, my wife knew...

BolshierAyraStark · 22/04/2015 14:28

Please tell others what has happened,I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by the support I'm sure you'll receive.
This pretty much mirrors what a man I used to work with did to his lovely wife & children, let me assure you that not one of us congratulated or high fived him when he eventually left for the other woman,we simply though he was a fuckwit who didn't deserve her. He's no longer with the OW, it didn't last long at all-his ex on the other hand is now in a very happy relationship...
Flowers

OpheliaRose · 22/04/2015 14:29

I didn't respond but it's also flashed up he's going to an event a pub quiz with a load of friends from work. So I don't think it's "out with her" and I hope he'd have the respect not to outwardly be couplely with her. Even he must realise his work friends would be disgusted by that!

OP posts:
DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 22/04/2015 14:32

Actually, this is bring back a memory...Years ago two good friends split up and on a night out he brought along "new gf" AKA OW. She kept trying to be all matey with me, was over complimentary etc. I was polite but moved away from her. Then he started chatting to me, asking what I thought of her etc. I said "I don't know her". He evidently picked up on my "reservations" and said "oh, you know what it's like, there's no point flogging a dead horse" and I just said "you're talking about my friend, your ex - have some respect for her". A while later they got back together (although would ultimately split) and he told her about that conversation. She said to me that it meant such a lot as she assumed this OW would just slot in to her place and people would think "good on him". I never for one moment thought that and neither did anyone else. The OW's desperation to be liked came through loud and clear. It was awful.

Ratfinkandbobo · 22/04/2015 14:37

This pair are beneath contempt.

Cherryapple1 · 22/04/2015 14:38

bloody hell - I am angry on your behalf. I could cry. He is the most insensitive twat that ever breathed.

I agree with others - tell people what he has done. In glorious full technicolour. And third party communicator is also a brilliant idea.

Ratfinkandbobo · 22/04/2015 14:38

People will make their own judgements on their behaviour.

OpheliaRose · 22/04/2015 14:41

It's all a bit much so I just called my brother in tears as the pub thy are going to is one he goes to as well. He was pretty angry and said he couldn't believe it. He did ask me what the OW looked like and when I told him he said he'd seen them in the pub a few weeks ago he'd gone over to say hi (and also find out who she was!) but then they where joined by 2 other friends from work so he assumed it was a work thing. Try invited hi to join them and he said they'd all had a good laugh.

He said he text H after to ask about the girl as he thought she looked good and he's got on really well with her all evening but H had told him that as far as he knew she wasn't interested in a new relationship after the break down of her old one.

I asked if he was going to the pub tonight he said he hadn't intended too but would go make a fuss if I wanted. I don't want to come across as pathetic and undignified so I said no. He said he might go anyway and just look at DH and let him know he knows exactly what's going on.

OP posts:
BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 22/04/2015 14:42

Ratfink they are - but you know this will all come back to bite them on the arse.

How they treat others WILL go full circle.

I know for a fact that OW spent her 40th birthday literally crying alone.
For me that was recompense for her not only shagging my H but "offering" to have my DC permanently live with her & my H in case I couldn't copeShock.

Justusemyname · 22/04/2015 14:46

I'm glad you've told your brother. He will be a big support I'm sure.

Ratfinkandbobo · 22/04/2015 14:48

You're right blessed
What comes around goes around!
Op if it were my brother I know for sure he would punch scumbags lights out.
Brothers are generally very protective of sisters

JohnFarleysRuskin · 22/04/2015 14:49

I'm glad you told your dbro. People will be shocked- dh doesn't realise that.

Remember when telling people to say something like: what really hurts is that dh is saying we were rocky- well that isn't true - and he is saying that nothing happened between them while he was with me - well that really isn't true - unfortunately I've seen the evidence.

LunacyPays · 22/04/2015 14:53

Really glad you have told your brother. I would ask him to let your mutual friends know the true side of the story. I know you might feel embarrassed, but if you have lots of shared friends, it will feel a lot worse if people believe your h's dubious take on events. You have nothing to feel ashamed of, he is the one who has betrayed his wife and kids, taken wank pictures and basically been a sordid little toe rag. You have done nothing wrong, and people will see that.

SylvaniansAtEase · 22/04/2015 14:55

OP you really should tell your brother.

You have nothing to feel embarrassed about - all you're doing by letting that understandable but off-base feeling take hold is cutting off your major sources of support at the same time as giving him the chance to get his own lying version of events out there.

If your brother is his friend, then the main thing he's going to feel, after anger and worry for you, is betrayed himself - your H has shat all over his family, his sister, and their friendship. So especially if your H plans on parading his 'new relationship', you need to let your bro know what's going on. How is he going to feel when one of their mutual friends asks him when you split, and what's the deal with the giggly fake on your H's arm? Pretty stupid, if he knows nothing about it.

Don't let your bro be caught short with this and especially don't water down the story because he's your H's 'friend' - all that will happen is he'll feel a twat when the gory details come out, and if you've minimised it and he's stayed neutral, he'll feel shat on too.

Tell your bro everything - EVERYTHING, just how awful he's been over the split as well as the gory details. Your bro would prefer, I'm sure, the judge him on the truth - then he can decide whether he stays friends, and can also arm himself with a few choice phrases in reply to mutual mates asking what the hell's going on.

This may sound odd, but you should be pleased that he's acting such a twat. Firstly, his behaviour now - parading this immediately, lying so pointlessly to his parents - isn't going to win him any favours. Oh, he may get support on the surface, but everyone from his mum down is privately going to move him down and you up in their estimation with every twatty, insensitive, inappropriate move.

Secondly, it's really becoming clearer with every event that this guy really, really is a complete bellend. I'd have more belief in this being potentially the start of a real, deep relationship if he weren't acting like this - if they were being sober, slow, currently in hiding basically, knowing what they'd done and being horrified by it... that's how adults would be reacting now. And adults form adult relationships. Not these two. How utterly immature would you have to be to do this, break up a family and start a work affair, and parade it in town the day after? They appear as teenagers. And what do teenagers do? Act utterly immaturely and OTT, declare undying love, and then five minutes later it's all over. Just like this. So, I say again, beware that in a month, this guy could be crying on the doorstep. Or, if not, don't be surprised to hear in 6 months that Fakey Bubblebabe has moved on to someone else.

I've read a LOT of threads on here, and I don't think it's a coincidence that, when you hear a story like this of an absolute humdinger of a loser husband, with a perfectly lovely wife, kids etc that he's screwing over, sooo often you hear her say 'I can't believe it, we've been together since teenagers. Yes. Indeed. You took up with a loser, but because you were so young, with little other experience, you didn't actually realise that until now.

I have a feeling OP that when the dust is settled, you're going to look back on this moment and give thanks. You are a quality person and a good parent. He's shown himself to be neither (same goes for her, hair or no hair!) You will move on from this faster than you think, I suspect. And he will move where he was always going - to the bottom.

SylvaniansAtEase · 22/04/2015 14:56

Oh cross post OP!

So glad you told him.

OpheliaRose · 22/04/2015 14:56

I told My brother that he'd said we'd been rocky for a while. He called it utter bullshit he's pretty good mates with H regardless of being my brother he said DH never mentioned a thing to him and in the past (many years ago) when we had issues getting pregnant DH had talked to him then about problems etc so it's not like he's shy in talking to him!

I asked him if he'd only seen them a few weeks ago if there had been any signs they were having an affair. He said no he's come on and seen them at the table not over close just chatting and laughing he's gone over and it was awkward it weird like the "atmosphere" you'd expect catching two people out and the. Other friends joined them. He said even after he was invited to join them there wasn't anything "special" he said she teased him a bit about stuff in a very jokey familiar way but at the time he thought nothing of it! He spent a fair bit of time talking to OW and they talked about me , kids and stuff!

OP posts:
SylvaniansAtEase · 22/04/2015 15:03

Good God what a stupid woman.

I know a couple of people like this.

They seem to put all their energies into LOOKING like good eggs. Fun, bubbly, friendly, concerned about people, asking all the right questions...

...and their personal lives are a disaster. One of these is a very close relative: she and I no longer speak, as I honestly cannot STAND the complete fakery of her public persona - so lovely! so caring and kind and interested in you. When she is - no exaggeration - a fucking evil person. Affairs, plural. A shitty mother. A troublemaker. List of failed friendships and relationships as long as your arm, but you'd never know that unless you were related to her. Ugh.

Her hair, by the way, is beautiful Grin

I can almost picture your H's OW, OP. Yup.

OpheliaRose · 22/04/2015 15:03

Sylvanians I think they are trying I carry on this "friends" facade for a bit before announcing ye relationship.

My friend thinks that the story will be they've always been close (people at work no this as they chat often) and she was a shoulder for him to cry on following the split as she's been there recently too etc and then eventually they realised they had feelings for each other

OP posts:
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