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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Not sure how to cope

951 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 19:47

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

OP posts:
Tiredmumno1 · 22/04/2015 12:33

Ophelia, I have been reading your thread, although I have no experience to suggest any helpful legal advice, I just wanted to say you are doing so well, even though it may not feel like it right now.

You have got so much support here, I hope it helps keeping you strong. You and your twins do not deserve any of this, and he doesn't deserve you anymore, or your time and energy, you really sound so lovely.

As for the OW, well you are worth a million times more, I hope in time you will see this. Sending you strength and support Thanks

HobartPaving · 22/04/2015 12:33

I've read this whole thread and also feel absolutely sick for you Flowers. Please, please tell your brother, do they have mutual friends? This is a perfect way to let everyone know exactly what he's done without it being in a vindictive way. It's a natural thing for friends to discuss, get everyone in your support camp. Please don't think about whatever his text said that's made you feel you weren't enough. I assume he made comparisons. He's out to hurt you and destroy your confidence and intimacy is a weak spot. I suspect he's actually spent quite some time destroying your confidence, intentionally or not. He's conditioned you into thinking the OW is great but also seemingly that your brother could value his friendship! Get your friends and family on board asap before he can spin the story

however · 22/04/2015 13:08

Block him on Facebook, don't engage in text messages. if it'll make you feel better, change his name in your phone to : 'Cheating Poxy Arsehole'. Or something equally apt.

Channel your anger where it will do the most damage. Keep a diary and have a timeline of events written down, it'll save time and help you stay focussed when you see your lawyer.

ScrollDown · 22/04/2015 13:13

I second keeping a journal. On the days where I felt i wasn't moving forward at all, I would read back to the early days of despair and realise just how far I'd come.

Well done for getting the ball rolling re solicitors. It may be that you're doing a lot of this on auto pilot (I know I was) but you'll be glad you did it in the coming weeks and months.

Sending you hugs and strength Flowers

Ratfinkandbobo · 22/04/2015 13:23

Op thinking of you, you're doing greatFlowers

GERTI · 22/04/2015 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 22/04/2015 13:36

Well done, another step forward x

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 22/04/2015 13:39

My brother and H do have annoy of mutual friends. I'm not sure I'm ready for them all to know he's left me for someone else Sad

He messaged me to say he wanted to give me a heads up he will be going out tonight with OW and didn't want me to hear it from anyone else. I assume that means they are going somewhere mutual friends will be or near our house at least. It's soul destroying right now.

My friend told me her ex recently started checking in and tagging himself with his new gf and that was his passive aggressive way of announcing his new relationship to all. I honestly feel sick at the thought

Had a hair cut my hair feels totally different and I'm trying to convince myself it's the start at of a new chapter. It was very awkward at the hair dressed as they make small talking and when I said I had twins they asked if I would have more kids on day. Took all my will power not to cry ... Couldn't bare to tell them he's left so just down played the question.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 22/04/2015 13:42

Ffs,,he hasn't wasted any time at all...have they no morals?????

How fucking dare he!

BoredAdminGirl · 22/04/2015 13:46

Fuck, OP. Your husband is being a complete cunt. Makes the last 12 years feel like such a waste I bet. I would try and go NC for a few weeks. Communicate regarding the children via your parents and in laws.

All this contact with him is definitely not going to help

BoredAdminGirl · 22/04/2015 13:47

It's almost like he's gloating, like he has no empathy or understanding of how cruel he is being

Lindor2828 · 22/04/2015 13:48

'Heads up'?! The dickhead is deluded, acting like he's doing you a favour by letting you know?!

Please please don't respond to his messages Ophelia.

I bet your hair cut looks fab.

anotherbusybee · 22/04/2015 13:49

He wanted to give you a heads up that we was going out with OW? How very thoroughly decent on him ?! Couldnt he have given you a heads up when he started his affair? What a scum bag. You are so much better off.

He truly has checked out of your marriage, I would strongly suggest you do too. I can only imagine how painful that process will be. But you really do need to play catch up and get on the same page as him.

The urge to try and "fix" this must be so strong for you, but there is nothing to fix. He is with her now and doesn't see himself as married anymore.

And there is NOTHING for you to be embarrassed or ashamed about. The shame, embarrassment, and everything else is all his. Let him own that, let that be his reward for the way he has acted. You will walk away from this the bigger, better and most amazing person ever. You sound like a thoroughly decent person and my heart truly breaks for you, you do not deserve this.

And if OW thinks for a second she has "won" him, all she has lumbered herself with is a cheater scum bag. She was the mistress and has now taken place as GF or whatever he spins as her. But now there is a vacancy for a mistress, she better watch her back and check up on him very often as we know now he only gives "heads up" when the damage is already done

I am sure you haircut looks fabulous!

GERTI · 22/04/2015 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 22/04/2015 13:55

It's time to tell everyone and tell them everything. You need to get being embarrassed out of your head, he is the one that should be embarrassed ....come on, time to get angry

JohnFarleysRuskin · 22/04/2015 13:59

He is horrendous- I expect this is also your 'punishment' for not letting him have the kids.

Please do not reply to this head fuckery.

I'd text your db though- just say he left me and the twins on Monday for the woman who sucks his cock in the stationary cupboard. Classy eh.

anotherbusybee · 22/04/2015 14:00

I appear to be taking this quite personally and am very angry on your behalf

Just a thought, could he be maybe goading you into doing the "pick me" dance?

Cacofonix · 22/04/2015 14:00

My blood boils for you Ophelia - what a total and utter arse. I would text (not now, maybe tomorrow) that you do not want him to contact you under any circumstances and that any messages need to be through his parents or your mum from now on. Then change his name to Cheating Scum Arse Fuckwit on your phone. Do not allow him access to you directly. And please do get your brother over (to your Mum's perhaps) and tell them both together the exact details of his cheating so they are in no two minds. They will be there for you (who wouldn't?)

RubbishMantra · 22/04/2015 14:00

Only a few days?! And he's parading about with her? After the FB photo he posted, "enjoying the sunshine". What a cold, unfeeling bastard he is. And how decent of him to send you a heads up. That's actually brutal. He knows it'll hurt you, yet he's going to do it anyway. Horrible man.

You will look back on this, and realise that he's done you a favour. You deserve so, so much better. Which you will have, I'm certain of it.

And I'm sure your new hair looks beautiful. Much better than hers.

SingingHinnies · 22/04/2015 14:03

Change yr no and tell him any communication can be done through DB or solicitor. What a gloaty heartless bastard. He could have went anywhere with her but hes choosing to go somewhere he will be seen and texting you. JFC, get angry, dont communicate, take away any way he can contact you and tell yr DB exactlly whats gone on so he can put people right.

Fontella · 22/04/2015 14:04

For fuck's sake Ophelia please start telling people what has happened and what he's doing. Don't pull any punches, tell it like it is.

He's going to rewrite this whole story to make him the 'good guy' unless you start getting the truth out there now. You need to get people onside who know what an utter bastard he is being.

Please ... get some real life support from whatever source you can. He's calling all the shots at the moment and it's clear he will carry on doing that if you let him, and it will only get worse.

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 22/04/2015 14:06

Ophelia don't reply to him - every text or reply you send will just boost his ego.

You have done so well today.

Your 12 years aren't a waste my lovely- you have 2 beautiful DTs who will be so proud of you.

Your day will come Ophelia - he is living in cloud cuckoo land and reality will hit soon.

Please please find some strength to not allow yourself to be embarrassed in conversation with people - you will be amazed at the practical & emotional support you will receive from others.

When my H did it to me on a purely practical to ensure that my DC got carried through I sent a text to EVERYONE in my phone explaining what had happened. People really rallied to bring meals round, help out with childcare ( it was the school holidays) , come and sit with me in an evening, mow my lawn etc etc!

You have no reason to feel embarrassed Ophelia what has happened is NO reflection on you whatsoever.

GatoradeMeBitch · 22/04/2015 14:06

I would make a few phone calls now, before this evening - tit photo wanking, stationery cupboard blow jobs - as many of the tawdry details as you can stomach. Then hopefully they'll get the kind of 'welcome' from your friends that they deserve.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 22/04/2015 14:06

OP, if you DO text back make it as dispassionate as possible "I'm not interested in your new life. Please do not contact me unnecessarily".

anotherbusybee · 22/04/2015 14:09

What DownWithThisTypeOfThing, said. That text message is perfect.

But if you can manage, DO NOT TEXT HIM BACK

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