Affair - Not sure how to cope

[OpheliaRose]

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

You are handling yourself so well. Take care of yourself

It's perfectly normal to feel nervous etc under these severe circumstances. You'll get through today. It may not feel like it but you are strong.

AwesomeAlmonds, that is excellent advice. If he had to communicate through a third party it would throw what he has done into a much harsher light. It would be much harder for him to justify himself. And it would protect op from additional stress.

Ophelia you need to tell your family before stbxh get in with his 'marriage been rocky for ages' bull shit and forgets the stationary cupboard blow job.

Go to your appointments with your head held high - you've done nothing wrong

Sending you strength courage and a bag full of sassiness... I know this is a massive trauma for you... And you need to be very gentle with yourself... Gather team ophelia around you... Tell your brother, family, friends... I suspect you will be overwhelmed with how much love and support you get.

Sorry - didn't see your post above Ophelia. Your brother and op might have been good friends in the past, but I'm guessing he won't be having feelings of friendship after you have told him! Your brother might be the ideal person to communicate with him.

After my sister's partner was unfaithful to her, I was left to mediate via email the practical details of him moving out. We had all been really close friends. He seemed to think that somehow the friendship could continue, and he sent me several snivelling emails trying to justify himself. He even sent an email to my DH saying he hoped they could still meet up for drinks. He got single line responses from me and I told my husband that if he valued his life, he would never contact him again. What planet are these cheating idiots on?

Ultimately Laurie & co from experience I'm just trying to boost OP into knowing that she CAN assert herself when or if H wishes to see OW.
I would not like OP to think she is powerless about this situation because she isn't - there are ways & means of ENSURING it doesn't happen for the stability and psychological protection it offers for the DC . Without causing harm to OPs health - in fact it can do the opposite and prevent a whole heap of emotional trauma all round.

Ultimately OP will need to do what is best for her but I for one feel very relieved that I protected my DC from the farce that was supposedly my Hs "happy ever after".

I am not saying what OP "should" do - just illustrating that not allowing contact with OW can be done successfully and for all the right reasons.

Ophelia you might well need a week or two of sleeping tablets to help restore your sleep pattern.
I think I'm right in thinking your appointments are with the solicitor and hairdresser - well done you :)

Fairy thinking of you too and sending hugs for you both x

My thoughts are with you ophelia. Stay strong and stay in control as much as possible especially where the dt's are concerned. This was me several years ago. I feel every ounce of pain and emotion you are experiencing. I promise it will get easier. Once I had shared the details with my solicitor I felt so in control and strong. They had to hear similar stories to yours and were not judgemental. I've come out of it a better person. My 3 dc'c are great. And as for the ex....well, it's the "reap what you sow" scenario. Reality kicked ii within weeks of his "deed", the smile and smugness firmly wiped from his face, he has nothing, few friends, demoted at work, dc's not really interested in him, shabby rented flat and not a pot to p* in! His OW got bored very quickly and has since moved on to 2 other married men in the company, destroying 2 more families. She will probably do the same again and again as that is their game and how they get their excitement. I send you strength and determination to get through this, take each day as it comes and record everything including texts, calls and conversations.

OP I'd be the same.
If you think you mightnt be able to verbalise the situation, jot a few bullet points down you can hand over, so:
-12 yrs marriage

• twins
• husband had affair with colleague in workplace & sent explicit images from home pc
• husband indicates would like 50/50 with children - you don't want this.
• husband's salary, pension details, savings, cash
• your/house outgoings
• possibility of you returning to work, Inc probable salary & hours
• you do not want children put in their workplace nursery - you want to make childcare decisions

You'll be ok - you've been very strong so far.

OP I should've added mortgage details to that list (i.e. last mortgage statement showing outstanding amounts etc) but it got me thinking...if you've been together since teenagers, WHY is the house in his name only? I wonder if looking back you'll now see many instances of him looking out for himself?

Good luck today Ophelia. You will get through this. Do not doubt yourself and I would tell your brother and include all the sordid details. He won't be friend with that prick for much longer!

Using a third party for any communication is an excellent idea!

Remember, he will know how to push your buttons and manipulate you. This won't happen if he has to negotiate with another person.

Please don't feel embaressed. If you can't face telling your brother face to face then either show him this thread or send an email.

I also very much doubt that they will be 'friends' after this.......

Ophelia, do not tell this twat anything of what you're doing. Dont let him know you're speaking to solicitors unless you really HAVE to.

Chances are he's thought all this through for a long time, but if he thinks he's in control and believes you'll accept most of what he says he's less likely to get legal help as he wont see the point.

Find out everything you need to know, learn what help you're able to get, so that if he does try any other shitty things you can put him straight. You need to try and be 1 step ahead of the wanker.

Whether or not he likes you, your twins do not have to see this woman. If he takes them to her without your consent, that's another thing to use against him.

He's already played dirty so you need to be as sneaky as possible.

Good luck.

Thank you so much for all your kind words.

It was really scary talking to the solicitors but I think I've found one to help me he was very kind and explained things in an easy to understand way and helped me think on my options.

I still can't believe I just had to sit there discussing divorce.

Off to the hair dresser in a bit. Not really sure what I want done just something new and makes me feel less grumpy and terrible. OW has beautiful hair

Beautiful hair but a black soul

Well done - good for you. I admire you for taking this stance and getting on with things. Hope hairdresser is good. Apparently women often have drastic hair changes when there is a dramatic even in their lives. I am sure your hair is beautiful no matter what you do with it anyway.

OW may have nice hair, but it hides an unbeautiful interior. You cannot compare yourself with her. There is no comparison anyway. She has bagged herself an unfaithful, dishonest man. Booby prize don't you think?

OW is very ugly inside.

You are doing really well - stop thinking about the OW, she is not worth your time or energy. Use all of that to be angry at him and rebuild your life and look after your DT.

Keep going you are so strong an amazing role model to your kids!

Hi OpheliaRose, I normally lurk, but have logged in because your thread has really stuck with me. It was the first thing I thought of when i woke up.

I dont have any experience of this type of situation but have been privvy to some people going through similar.

Whatever your future plans are, do NOT discuss with your H. He is not your friend, he is not on your team. He has had time to think all of this through and make a plan in his head. Keep your cards VERY close to your chest. Be careful who you confide in RL as I have seen things get back to the H through connections the wives didnt know existed.

Don't engage in slanging matches over email/text. These can all be used to create the basis of you harassing him.

I know its very simple for me to say, but please try and detach from the mudslinging that will start shortly. He will go into defensive mode and many lies will be created to try and make it look like he was forced to behave the way he did. He will be desperately trying to normalize this truly shocking situation.

And one thing I have seen happen is OW ditching and running very soon. I do not believe she thought it would escalate into this. What you need to prepare for, is for him to come crawling back and begging for forgiveness.

Take care of yourself and your precious twins. You will need all the strength you can muster in the next few months. Keep your wits about you.

You are firmly in my prayers

You're doing great, the first step is always the hardest. I hope you enjoy your haircut.
The other woman may have lovely hair but it's a truly ugly thing that she and you h have done. It's what's on the inside that counts isn't that what we drum into our children and you're showing your children a wonderful brave strong role model.

Very good post from busybee - you need to reshape your thinking. The "he's not on your team" bit is so true but is going to be really hard for you to adjust to. But keep this in mind constantly "he's not on your team".

I'd love to put hair removing cream in ow shampoo bottle!! She's a Trollope op, don't waste time thinking about her! Try and relax abit while you get your hair done, I'm sure you will look gorg!