Affair - Not sure how to cope

[OpheliaRose]

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

Op, I hope you're ok.

I think perhaps she has gone to bed, she must be exhausted

I hope the OW is. And I hope she reads this with the grubby shame she should feel.

No one should ever want to make someone feel like this and put them through this.

This situation has been compared to cancer and bereavement - all caused by a man that vowed to love his wife and a women and man with no morals.

Stay strong op, I think the diary is a fab idea for the future and I would delete him from your FB.

That was meant for Christina

I'm relieved to see you've got some anger tonight Ophelia x

It has already been said down thread but there is NO actual NEED for your DTs to have any contact with this woman.
I have mentioned it already but I said the same to my H as you have .... There was no way my DC were going to spend any time with that whore.

And they never did.

YOU make the rules now - be prepared that he will get angry - but you tell him where & when he can see the DTs.

It is NOT in their best interests to have any contact with this woman - my reasoning was that why the hell should my DC be exposed to the possible thoughts and feelings that daddy has left not only to be with OW but that he will be involved in the day to day life of another child - not them.
That was too much for me.

That fuelled me into being very prescriptive with contact.

I hope you get some rest my lovely. X

I don't have experience, but I've read people advise that you don't make demands re the children and OW. There's nothing you can do to prevent them meeting her at some point. Pick your battles.

Vivacia - I DO have experience.

For many reasons it is not in the children's best interests to meeting this woman any time soon.

No one thinks it's in their children's best interests, the problem is its one more thing that you often can't do anything about if your ex is going to be selfish and just do what he wants.

It's yet another thing that can lead to feeling powerless and enraged.

If you think he's going to have them around her because of the script he's saying about what a good person and mother she is then there's no good outcome if he decides to just do what he wants.

I've just RTFT and wanted to say how sorry I am. What your husband is putting you through is absolutely sickening. I can't even imagine how difficult this must be for you and how worried you must be for your dc.

The only advice I have is to not let him paint you as the unreasonable person here. It's clear he's starting to do that already. Please take pp advice about legal advice ASAP, it will make you feel stronger and you will be better prepared to deal with him. Your husband clearly thinks he can direct how this situation is going to go and his shamelessness is utterly shocking. He is disgusting.

My dad did this to my mum 20 years ago. I recognise a lot of what he did reading this thread although I was too young at the time to know what was really going on. If your husband is anything like my dad, he will be re-writing history for himself and painting you out as being at fault. DO NOT LET HIM FUCKING GET AWAY WITH IT! He is an awful person and you sound wonderful - use that wonderfulness to take the power back in this situation as much as possible and decide how YOU want things to go from here, now that he has put you in this place.

I hope you managed to get some sleep.

I think where possible the chikdren should not meet any parents new partner for some time.
Extremely confusing for them to see daddy no longer at the family home or with mummy then in another house with a stranger. Particularly this prick who is so immature that he will probably be all over her in front of them. Kids this age cannot rationalise stuff or have the articulation to discuss it so will internalise their emotions which can cause harm.
It's true you can't insist this happens but in the circumstances I thinks it's reasonable for the op to try to appeal to this twat to do the right thing.
That and the fact he has much spare time to conduct a private life, his time with his dc should be uncompromised and devoted to them for now.

Good morning OP.
Thinking of you

Agree with ledkr re dc's contact with ow. Keep her the hell away for as long as you can. If your husband can't see this then I really think you need to start fighting big time.

I agree with Ledkr

I hope you are ok this morning OP.

The deal breaker for me would be the fact he was testing the water with that initial email. He must have had a bang on the head and forgot he was married. Twat.

How are you this morning?

Good Morning, Ophelie!
Did you sleep well/ a bit?
Are you ready to go and start the legal process?
Good Luck

Morning OP.

Today is the day you begin to get those darn ducks lined up. Oh, and enjoy the haircut too!!

I tried sleeping last night but it was very stressful and disturbed.

Just getting ready to go out for my morning appointments. Feel very nervous and stressed by the idea of having to sit there and explain the situation to so many people.

Thank you for all your support

Morning op, sending you much strength for today. You can do this. x

Good luck op, thinking of you today.
They will of herd many stories like this before do be afraid to tell them everything!!

If your seeing the GP ask for some sleeping tablets, they might help you get some sleep tonight.

awesome my brother would probably tell him to back off but they are good friends they have been for years. I haven't told my brother yet because I'm still so embarrassed by the whole situation.

Leaving the house in a moment so will update later.