Affair - Not sure how to cope

[OpheliaRose]

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

Ophelia I've just been reading the thread, i am so so sorry you've been treated like this.

Not the same as no DC, but my ex fiance cheated then left me for OW last year (a week after my mums funeral - nice) and it is getting slowly easier. I also didnt see it coming at all, thought we were blissfully happy.

You sound like a very kind, wise and strong person, well done for coping so well so far. Anger is good, it will fire you up.

Sending you a lot of hugs and strength.

for all you ladies out there with cheating scumbag exs, you're all amazing! I predict that one day they will MASSIVELY regret their actions. You will all have the last laugh

I have been following your story op and am so, so sorry for what you are going through with that bastard of a STBXH. And that is how you you must start to think of him as.

My friend was in the situation where she found incriminating vile photos and messages. She saved them all in a file and forwarded them to his adoring mum and dad, with an email spelling out exactly what he had been up to. It must have had an effect, as when she bought him out of the house they'd owned for only a few months, she was able to avoid returning half the deposit they'd provided.
It also made her feel a hell of a lot better!
I'm not suggesting you do exactly this, but a cold, factual description might give them an idea of just what is really happening.

Ophelia it has taken me this long to get to the end of the thread and be able to post.
I can so relate to what you are going through I found it very very hard to detach and stop trying to make my ex see what he had done to me and my 2 DS.
I am ashamed to say it took me nearly 18 months to realise he was never going to 'get it'. I wish I had saved myself those months of torture really trying to get him to be the person I thought he was.

I think the hardest part of all was that he became a stranger almost over night and he could not have cared less what happened to me and that he had moved abroad ( with OW) effectively leaving me as a completely single parent. I really could not get my head around that at all after 19 years together.

As for your in laws well I guess the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree after all and this has been my experience too. FIL said all the right things but was actually meeting OW behind my back and extolling her virtues to others

A book that really helped me was Runnaway Husbands by Vicki Stark, sorry not good at links, it gave me some answers when I got none from my ex, other than he had been unhappy for 10 years . What I didn't realise at the time that it was all part of the script, they are so unoriginal these twats that they all say the same things.

Given this only happened in the last 3 days (!) you are doing brilliantly even if it doesn't seem like it. [ flowers]

Another one delurking to simply say what a fucking prick he is. Now you must put yourself and twins first,, totally detach and fuck him up!!!!

Thank you everyone you are all giving me strength during what is possibly the worst few days of my life xx

Absolutely horrendous at the time gerti, had lots and lots of counceling, and we haven't seen him for 11years. Me and my dd are ok on own

Ophelia I've been following this thread but haven't felt I had anything useful to add, but like pp I've getting more and more angry on your behalf.

I have no experience so to speak however when I was younger my mum left my dad (and me really, I was a teenager) for, wait for it..the next door neighbour!

Not only is an affair a huge blow but it's often the series of events that follows that is equally as traumatic. Just when you think they couldn't possibly hurt you anymore they continue to cause more heartbreak. I remember my dad in the months afterwards and it was truly heartbreaking. My brother and I have never had any sort of contact with our mum since she left with the next door neighbour ten years ago.

My heart goes out to you lovely, stay strong. You will be happy again. You can and will get through this.

Oh god, ive had everyone die in my family and the weeks after my husband left were still the worst ever

The rejection and the utter misery of him not caring or explaining or there being no actual fucking answer why he had suddenly changed into someone I didn't recognise. I too spent months torturing myself with why and questions, ranting at him over text - basically just giving all my power away.

He turned people against me as he painted me unreasonable, tried to manipulate and kept more money.

The bottom line is he's allowed to leave you and give no explanation - I wish someone had said that to me bluntly. I spent months thinking he was a good person and something must have happened to make him change.

Reality was, he preferred her. He had disconnected and constantly lied about how happy he was.

in my observation, these threads provide a crash reconditioning course, to help you get over thinking of STBX (and OW, if she was known) as nice people, people you can trust, talk to and depend on. Collectively, "we" are more than wiliing to keep pointing out that they are shitty, untrustworthy, self-centered people that you must protect yourself and your children from.

I think you are approaching the right frame of mind to speak to those lawyers tomorrow.

I'm so sorry Laurie

Yes GertiI am starting to realise he is re writing history, i've started doubting my own judgement thinking where we rocky and i'm just too stupid to notice!

You're not stupid, this is a LIE he was telling you so he could get away with deception.

The moment he started flirting with her was the moment he started to lie to you.

Good husbands (and wives) tell the truth even if it's difficult. Yourhusband should have said he'd started to fancy someone else and cut it off at the head, he's an adult - he could have stopped before flirting and instead told you and you could have worked on it together.

Even if you were rocky ( and I don't think you were) it doesn't justify his behavior

You don't start shagging someone else and leave your wife and dc. You are married, you try and work through things, you don't leave your wife of 12 years and make plans with the company blow job professional

He has to paint his marriage as some sort of misery as it's his only way of justifying his shitty behaviour to himself. Let alone everyone else.

Me too laurie I found hsving cancer easier, I really did!
My x was 34 and "seeing" a girl of 16.
His mother said "those girls look older"
I told her that he knew perfectly well her age!!
She was happy to have her precious son home despite his near peadiphilia.
Strangely she regretted her decision after he'd come in pisssed a thousand times and got her house raided by the police
We were together from aged 17 for 18 yrs our baby was 8 months!
He was for so long the perfect husband too.
It's so weird.

Ophelia, I very rarely post on these threads and like many others have said, it's because there are more qualified people to do so.

Although not helpful, I just wanted to say that my heart is breaking for you, I can feel your pain through your messages and I can't believe another human can treat someone, anyone, not just someone they have built a life with, like he has you.

You will get to the other side with a lot of support from the posters on here and real life support which you are already building.

As hard as it will be, the sooner you stop thinking about him and her and start focusing on a whole new brilliant life for you and your DT's, the better you will feel. Him and her are not worthy of your headspace.

Virtual handholding.

Your H is a cunt. A cowardly, cheating, spineless cunt.

Yep. And if I was a betting woman I'd put my life savings on the fact that there's not a single person reading this thread who would disagree.

Ophelia .. that anger you are starting to feel ... take that energy and use it in the coming days.

Get as much real life support as you can from whatever source you can and one thing you can be certain of – you've got the whole of MN behind you – I don't think I've seen the ladies this fired up! .

But seriously you can tell from the comments, there is a universal sense outrage and disgust at the pathetic arsehole that is your H and his despicable behaviour. As for his mother - if it was me, I'd send her his cum shots, a couple of his racier messages to his lover, the holiday inn receipt and the picture of his girlfriend's tits. That might bring her down to earth a bit!

But I can tell already you've got a lot more dignity than me and won't do any such thing ... but at least you know you could, if you wanted to.

But as for you H – this deluded fucker is so going to get the biggest wake up call ever over the coming days and weeks as the reality starts to bite. The smug, self centred bastard thinks he's cracked it - beer in hand, sat in the sun ... but his day of reckoning is coming, you can be sure of it.

Stay strong my darling and harness that brewing anger - it will give you the energy you need to get you through what lies ahead.

I wonder if the ow is a mumsnetter?

Christina I wondered that too. Hmm

A mumsnetter? how very dare you!!
Mumsnetters are fabulous women, we do do suck cocks in cupboards or send pictures of our norks to married colleagues!

Ophelia, I am another who has de-lurked to comment, you are still so raw, whereas he has has time to process what he is going to do hence the detachment at the start. I don't have particular experience of what you are going through but I do know very well about the guilty re-writing history to ease their conscience! My mum did it to me after she broke up our family by sleeping with a neighbour, it tore our family apart but most of all the very bitter damage was done by her version of what actually happened. I would urge you to document everything, what you've said, what text messages you written, the replies and of course you have a very valid log here, it will help you understand how people twist things when threatened and help you realise you are not going mad after all!!
You are doing so well and the anger you have shown is the start of protecting you and whats dear xx

Imagine the shame of seeing your passionate encounters laid bare and realising that actually it was just grubby blow jobs and everyone is laughing at you.

We don't????? Awe feck

I've just read this entire thread and just wanted to add my support. Your H is an absolute Grade A Bell-end. The honeymoon period with OW will inevitably end and hopefully he'll look back on what a total fuck-up he made. You may even get the opportunity to laugh in his face when he comes crawling back.

You have conducted yourself with a lot more dignity than I could probably have mustered in the same situation. Stay strong for yourself and your twins and be kind to yourself. It won't feel like it now but you'll survive this.