Affair - Not sure how to cope

[OpheliaRose]

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

Op I have just read the whole thread and am absolutely incredulous at the callous way in which he is behaving. I am so utterly furious on your behalf.
I hAve nothing to add to the excellent advice you have received other than my support.
Stay strong x

His mum called me to say she was sorry to hear that we had separated and that she hopes that i am ok. she said H told her he was worried that i've taken it rather badly and he didn't realise i wasn't aware that things had been rocky for a while. I said no i hadn't realised things "rocky" we had been great talking about planning a big holiday later this year and maybe doing some work on the house, and we'd just had a lovely week away with the kids so i wasn't aware it was rocky!

She basically talked to me like I was a child like when i child is having a silly tantrum over something. I've known this woman 12 years! I asked her straight out if he'd told her why he'd left. She said he'd mentioned that he had feelings for someone else and didn't think it was right to carry on leading me down the garden path if he couldn't be 1000% sure i was what he wanted!

I got very angry at this point and said that it wasn't just developing feelings for someone else it was having a full blown affair in the office to the point he was engaging in sex with her just before and after our lovely family holiday only days before she had been posting likes and comments all over the photos of! She did seem taken back by that and said that he hadn't mentioned that but that was between her and H to discuss.

She ended the call saying i'd been like a daughter to her for many years and she hoped that we could remain on good terms even though we would be seeing less of each other in the future.

I text him and told him to take the fucking picture down off facebook because he has no respect for me or our children. He said it was no reflection on me at all it was a sunny day which after a stressful few days he was enjoying. I know i shouldn't have messaged him but I was sooooo angry

I've put all the important paper work together in a folder so i have everything ready for tomorrow. I've also decided i'm going to pop into the hair dressers on my way back from the appointments and try get a hair cut something i've gone without for over 1.5 years now.

I spoke to an old work friend whos partner left her last year, although it was hard because i remember feeling such sympathy for her at the time and thinking thank god my H isn't like her husband , her reaction was so kind and lovely! not what i was expecting I keep thinking people will be sat there going that "well if you will be so happy and smug about your marriage" and just look down on me. She told me she understand what i'm going through and offered to come round tomorrow evening to help me look at stuff like tax credits and work out an "action" plan. I talked to her a bit about returning to work since she works & has children, she said that honestly coming to work during her break up was a life saver it kept her sane even though she cried at her desk daily she felt she had friends to support her and a safe place to be. I told her I was worried because i've been gone a long time but she said i shouldn't be there are lots of the same people around so i wont have a problem fitting back in if I want to come back and she mentioned there was a job coming up working for her boss in a few months so we'd be working together if I fancied having someone to lean on a bit.

I've never really suffered a bereavement before but i feel like my DH has died. The man who left me monday and has since acted like the biggest bastard on the planet isn't the guy I married. If we lived in the 1500s i'd be yelling witchcraft from the top of my lungs.

Don't get in to a public battle with him, you need to be thinking of your long term position and protecting yourself and the twins...do not give him anything to use against you, I know it is difficult but you need to be clever here

It may seem like he is winning now but that will change, you will come out of this a lot better than he will, but by that time it won't even matter to you

OP I started reading this last night and although I never replied I thought of you today. Honestly there have been several times I've had tears in my eyes and felt sick. I just wish I could give you a huge hug!!

I've never been in a position like this before but I want you to know I admire you so much for how you are dealing with all this.
I know it hurts, in fact it kills, but you are SO so so much better than him AND her. She is not a nice person, she is not perfect which is why you need to stop comparing yourself because you are on a whole different level than her.... Than both of them.

There has been fantastic advice given to you on here... You know we are all here for you.

I know it's hard to not text him exactly what you're thinking but perhaps you should start keeping 2 diarys? In one, put in every single thought and feeling you have and every single thing you want to say to him... Do that instead of texting him it. Hard I know but don't give him anything to use against you. With the second diary, write down everything that has happened and what does happen... What he says/does. Keep texts etc that you may need.

I know you love him but he is an absolute dickhead who can't be trusted (clearly). So you need to get everything you can.

I'm thinking of you.

I am so proud of you, you have turned a corner in the last half hour!

Get your hair done and anything else that will make you feel good and I am delighted you have some rl support

It is like a bereavement because you are grieving, but that will pass

Good for you mrs

Contacting his work wont do anything other than cause problems for you in the long run, it sounds like most of the people there knew anyway, if it gets out you have emailed then people will pass comment and your situation will be the talk of the office, not your fault at all but in the long run it wont achieve anything, it might briefly make you feel better but then you will just sit wondering for days what has been said, its aggro you can do without and more waiting and wondering, just leave it and concentrate on solicitors, the house and access to the kids without her being there.

regardless of what he says you do not need her to have access to your kids, she is a complete stranger to them who you know absolutely nothing about, you do know she is a slapper with the morals of an alley cat who gives other woman's husbands and twins father's blow jobs in the work cupboard whilst he is still living at home with his family as well as sending topless shots to married men, that's all you know about her, she's a slapper. There is absolutely every reason for her not to have access to your lovely twins, they are your's and you decide who see's them and when

Block him on Facebook, and her too. And tighten the settings so your own Facebook is private to anyone except your close friends.

Oh my goodness how much shit is one person supposed to be able to take I'm starting to take this personally too [hugs] thinking of you

If this was my son I'd be going nuclear on him

Also could you not arrange for him to see the twins at your parents house without you?

That way he is still seeing them (so he can't ever accuse you of not allowing that) BUT he has to sit at your parents house feeling incredibly uncomfortable and awkward?

Nothing has to be said, your twins won't know anything because obviously your parents wouldn't cause a scene in front of them, but it will be horrible position for him to be in.

Glad you put mil straight on a few points, how patronising!
Well done for being strong

I agree with Cherryapple - disengage from him apart from what is absolutely necessary and then keep it short and cold. You have to be in control of what is said and done especially in relation to your kids. Stay strong it wont be this bad forever

This man is scum. There is a gaping hole where his soul, his decency and his compassion should be. My heart goes out to you OP. So pleased you're seeing the lawyers tomorrow.

I agree with the diary, write everything down, feelings and also any contact you have with him, log what is said with the date and time on, could come in handy in the furture

His mother said she's sorry she wont see so much of you know?????

Well, now you now where he gets his heartlessness from eh!

I think its time to tell her exactly what her son has been up to in no uncertain terms.

You sound a bit angrier and that's good. Let it come. It will help you through the next few days and help you to take some action.

And your previous post was right-he had checked out of the marriage a long time ago. Remember that-it's no wonder he seems so calm. It's because, compared to you he is calm. This is not a shock to him, he has had his own sweet time to get used to it, imagining a different future. But you, you have been dropped right in it at a moment's notice.

You are doing ok. Day by day, step by step. Fuck him. You really do have a happy life waiting for you.

I would put the mother straight, what a lying , cowardly little fucker he is

He's an absolute heartless bastard isn't he. God I'm so angry for you

Fearless91 I hadn't thought of keeping a diary, I do need to find away to stop texting him. He was the main person I talked to for years so its basically ingrained in me now to text him.

I've been looking back thought my messages and I can see how little we spoke sure there were i love you messages or mundane chats about stuff but nothing compared to the chats he was having with her over facebook obviously i havent seen the stuff he's got rid of but just the friendly chats go from when he would have left work to come home all the way through the evenings. He told me they talked through the internal messaging system at work too so he was basically spending all day talking to her. I thought it was nice we'd just cuddle in silence on the sofa especially with Twins it was rare we'd get that time so i just thought it was heaven but obviously his mind was somewhere else.

Its so painful to think about but I can only hope it will make it easier for me in the long run.

Fairy

You are going through such a hard time, I'm sorry

He sounds like another prize prick

fairy I'm so sorry to hear that it must be awful for you. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if my H turned round and said he will be moving in with OW "soon"

I'm starting to feel like I am the Jennifer Aniston in this situation