Affair - Not sure how to cope

[OpheliaRose]

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

I very rarely post on these threads as their is always better qualified people to give advice, Which you are getting.

Please stop being so nice to him, don't give him options or explanations. Tell him when he can see the twins and where. Don't listen or respond.
Just get angry.

He's obviously spun his parents a web of lies, I doubt he's told them he got sucked off in the stationary cupboard and wanked over porno pictures of a co worker. Vile twat

Deluded. Infatuated. Living on a twisted parallel world. Kind of screwed up Narnia world for screwed up adults- the cupboard leads there.
That is how I would describe all this absurd situation. They will probably play the normality card : we met (in a cupboard) we fell in love and we want to live our wonderful love in the open. Let us toast to our love! And their behavior will probably claim: ladies and gentlemen do not bring in your 'bourgeois' middle-class way of thinking: marriage vows, commitment to the spouse and kids ..all this does not stand up to our pure love!
They are mad- and no not in a nice way. They are parents. He is willing to give up what he has been building for years to go to this whore. That is what she is- someone doing BJ to a married dad in a cupboard cannot expect anyone to sympathize with her or to see any fairy love in this behavior.
So Ophelie: I think we are all confused by these two fucked up people because they are not normal- they want to play it normal in an amoral and unnatural relationship. It is their problem. Keep your head high. Sort out your finances and mourn the death of your marriage/your husband as you knew him. Things will be better for you. Good Luck!

Op I've just been lurking but I've got to say your husband is behaving like a prize shit. I'm so angry on your behalf. I'm so sorry he has done this to you and to his children. It must be so tough.
Get angry.

i've just sat in my kitchen and cried, I hate being in my living room and bedroom as it just reminds me of him! its so vile. I can't stand to look at my beautiful house any more

He's just posted a picture on facebook sat in a garden with a beer saying perfect sunny days. I know he said he was staying with a friend so I think he must be there and not at OW house but how can can he be so detached!

When i started this thread posters told me he checked out of the marriage a while ago and I'm starting to think that must be true. I think he's known for a while he was going to leave

Do you know I was thinking about you today, and I thought she needs to change her house about, paint the bedroom, make it hers and not there's

The photo and the beer and the message is just cruel

I think he's known for a while he was going to leave

And that's why you MUST get legal advice, stay strong & composed (in front of him anyway). Honestly, I bet he's already done the calcs about maintenance (hence the 50/50 suggestion so quickly).

Right now you need to be business like. Collapse later when you've laid down what YOU want to happen.

Him posting a picture like that is beyond understanding...he has just told his parents he has left his family, he has destroyed you and he has absolutely no remorse ...I'm sorry op, move on , there is no going back, I know it hurts but this man is way beneath you

Well you know now, you have to work on doing the same. It will take you longer and you don't have the the benefits he has of the prior knowledge and the extra 'relationship' to lean on - but that's okay - because you are a woman and a mother and are stronger than him. You can take care of yourself and your children without him.
Reclaim your house and your life - take all the advice you can muster and remember he was never the man you thought he was.
And please stop looking at Facebook - its not going to help

Ophelia I am so very sorry that your husband is a faithless shit. The OW is not nice, she would not have had sex with your husband is she was.

I think you need to be prepared that his parents may well support their son even though he is very much the one in the wrong.

I hope I am wrong in your situation but also be prepared that he may sink even lower. Sometimes there doesn't seem to be any limit to their sense of entitlement and he may think that there is nothing wrong with the OW helping him look after your twins. Everyone else knows it shouldn't happen, certainly not yet, but I doubt he will see it that way.

Resist the temptation to reply straight back to him when he texts, no doubt he will send you plenty of texts that anger or upset you, give yourself a bit of thinking time before you reply.

I think you are doing so well and can't imagine how hard this is with young children as well.

The devastation and despair that you feel right now will ease eventually and you won't feel as broken as you do at the moment I promise you. You will get lots of really good support and advice on here.

You musnt write down angry messages in texts, he will just try and use them against you. Believe me, I know how difficult that is.

He's absolutely following the script now, sticking up for her, telling you what you will do, trying to paint himself as reasonable by writing down in text that he's asked for the children.

I know it's hard but you need to try to focus on his behaviour which is so bad, she's unattached and obviously we know she's awful but when you mention her it gives him the opportunity to focus on her and how great she is instead of him taking responsibility.

His parents are awful too

Can anyone come over and be with you?

Read Iwashappy's thread, it is very honest and open and will give you some idea of what lies ahead and the support you need

OP, you need to get clever and fast

I am sorry it is very hard, but if you just keep flailing about reacting to what this nasty cunt throws at you he is going to wipe the floor with you

Engage that solicitor ASAP and drag yourself up to speed so you are on the same page as him. He threw you and your twins under a bus a long time ago. That lovely husband and father you thought you were married to is gone, if he ever even existed

You have had fantastic advice on this thread. You must take it.

Has he actually told his parents though? He may have lied about the reason, or not bothered at all.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this OP. If you were near me I'd be over with a bloody large tub of Haagan Daas in a heartbeat.

No real words of wisdom - just wanted to let you know that, along with all the wonderful women on here, I'm thinking of you.

Just a thought- you're worried about your children and this weekend (I would be too) so why not call your inlaws and run through logistics of them seeing dad at their house?

What a twunt!

For him to be so detached, I agree with you that he has checked out of your relationship a long time ago.

Maybe that is why he is behaving like this? Maybe he he thinks deluding himself more like that you have detached yourself.

He will reap what he sows....it's all pics of him enjoying a beer in the sun but the fall out has yet to occur.

On another note, I don't think I would let him have the children. Not because I was being vindictive, but merely because you need to think about you. You cannot and should not spend a weekend (I know it's only a day) sitting alone and driving yourself crazy about what he is doing with them.

What an utter arse wipe.

Please, please try not to lose your cool with him. I know it's difficult, but it will immediately put you in a vulnerable position. We all say and do things we regret when we lose it and I don't think you can afford to do that. Channel your inner ice-queen when dealing with him. And then have a rant/melt down here - where people support you.

Perfect sunny days?!!! What is he on? He's just destroyed lives not 48 hours ago. I'm bloody raging on your behalf.

Op I've read your thread from the start I'm so sorry he's done this to you and your little twins, he really is a prize prick!!!

I could seriously go to town on these two disgusting excuses for human beings! It's happened to me to, ow was my best friend, they shagged in the toilets at my babies christening

You will get through this and please take all the fantastic advice you have been given on here! And please ignore the bastard, keep the texts short and sweet!

My ex also posted pictures but it was of him and ow, a day after he left, please shut down your FB for a while you don't need to see any of it.

Sending you x

I have rtft and I am seething right now. I have joined mumsnet this very evening to offer you my support. You come across as a wonderful woman and mother and you truly do not deserve this.

But I'm a bitch and I would be composing an email to his HR dept.

Subject: Breach of Company Policies and Procedures?

Having just heard it from the horse's mouth I'd like to notify you of a possible breach of your company policies.

Husband (full name) has confessed to utilising company time ("mentoring" meetings to discuss their relationship) and locations (engaging in oral sex and full sexual intercouse in cupboards, meeting rooms and offices) in order to pursue an extra-marital affair with OW (full name, if you know it).

I know my employers have such policies in place and if you do also felt it necessary to notify you of this breach.

Kind Regards, Ophelia

P.S. If it's not worded that employees should not accept oral sex or engage in sexual intercourse with other employees whilst supposedly working they might not realise they've done anything wrong.

Anyway rant over hugs from me too. The real advice you are receiving is good. I'll be thinking of you tonight. Xxx

Purely fairly, wouldn't it be too soon for the DC to see their father in new surroundings as they would find it so confusing?

He wouldn't get the kids off me either, not until I'd sorted all my shit out! Who the hell does he think he is!!!