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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Not sure how to cope

951 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 19:47

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

OP posts:
Mini05 · 21/04/2015 18:45

Go on the turn2us website it will tell you what state benefits you will get.

You know have much your H get paid so work out what you think is acceptable to ask him for per week, I second if you negotiate with him directly you may get more(I did) going through CSA(or if it as a new name now)may be less.
Get onto the child tax credit site and do a "do I qualify" she how much you will get.
Council tax minus 25%discount.

All the 50/50 it's a load of c... That would just tie him down!!!

I bet OW doesn't even know he intended to leave you.
Surely she's not gonna let H move in never even met her child!! Then the so called 50/50 your twins join the 3 of them and OW going to play happy families really don't think so!!! He's down this without really thinking it through I think.

I would make it,
that you make it so hard for him to have this so called single life!!!!
Think back to when he said her P had her son then that's the time H can see the twins. Do not make the same mistake I did and couldn't let H see son for long time, he had life as single guy where I was getting
Getting up early
Taking son nursery
Going to work p/t
Going food shopping
Back to nursery
Tea/bath/bed

7 days a week, nursery 5 days week. No nipping to shop, no lie inns

I know the exact feelings you are going through even now some (23 yrs later)
It's total devastation, but you must start to get angry soon with them both
X

GatoradeMeBitch · 21/04/2015 18:54

What an arsehole. He swans off to his stationery cupboard sweetheart, and you're expected to pick up all the slack? Fuck him. (I feel like I'm beginning to take this personally!)

JohnFarleysRuskin · 21/04/2015 18:57

You could reply: "You've left us to be with the woman who sucks your cock at work yet you're disappointed with me?? How on earth does that work?

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 21/04/2015 19:02

He hasn't always been this arrogant or maybe he has at times an di've never really noticed how bad he is because honestly up until this week he's always been a loving devoted father and husband! I mean I didn't pick up on any signs of issues / suspect an affair until i saw a few messages that seemed disjointed like stuff was edited out.

I text him back saying sorry that he is disappointed but i hadn't realised we'd agreed to Wednesday. I asked if he would like them on Saturday instead or we could make plans for next Wednesday.

unfortunately his reply wasn't what i wanted to hear. He said he'd happily take them out Saturday if that's what i wanted or needed. He said I can have them to stay as well if you like. I guess this means the OW is happy for him to bring them to her house!? I know she has a spare room in her house from previous comments from DH.

I'm so angry right now! its like he thinks he can just replace me with her!!!

I childishly started a bit of a name calling slanging match in my reply about not wanting my kids near that cock sucking dirty slut. He was not happy and told me I shouldn't talk about her like that apparently, he said some stuff back to me that i'm not sure i can repeat because it makes me feel so ashamed Sad i obviously just wasn't enough for him. He is so cruel

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/04/2015 19:03

Following the script ain't he ? Hmm

SingingHinnies · 21/04/2015 19:07

If your a lone parent and work you can get a lot more by working 16 hrs if you could manage that, obviously depends on housing etc but i do 16hrs and its a lot more than claiming benefits

Ledkr · 21/04/2015 19:07

Showing his true colours there now isn't he?
Mine was the same, all apologetic and patronising cos he just wanted to get away and be with ow then when I got angry and (also called names) he got all cross and said "you want to get over it done you!" This was about three weeks later Hmm
It's as if they are happy to be all sorry and want to make it easy on you until you actually get annoyed then they go mental.
Just shows they are just wanting you to curl up and not cause them any hassle.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 21/04/2015 19:08

Oh he really is a nasty twat.

Just say, "No, you left me on Monday, you don't get to play happy families with the cock-sucker in the stationary cupboard on Saturday. I'm very disappointed in you."

Justusemyname · 21/04/2015 19:10

I wonder if you're disappointed he's shagged someone else ? Twat.

He understands why you're going away. That's big of him Hmm

This man is even spouting the SAME SHITE that the other mumsnetter I mentioned husbands has!

You have nothing to be ashamed about. And you don't need to tell us but I can guarantee you'll be left in no doubt you have nothing to be ashamed about.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 21/04/2015 19:13

I've told him I don't deserve to be spoken to like that and if he wants the kids Saturday that's fine but it should be at his parents since he told me the other day he would respect my wishes and keep them away from OW.

He said thats fine and that he'd seen his parents to tell them the situation. No word on what they think. i've been watching my phone obsessively again hoping for a message or a call from them saying how devastated they are

OP posts:
SingingHinnies · 21/04/2015 19:13

You do not have to let this woman near your kids and have every right to ask him where they are staying, tell her you don't know her and don't want her introduced to your kids, ffs he only left days ago, what a dick head

JohnFarleysRuskin · 21/04/2015 19:13

I'm so outraged on your behalf, op, Im lost for words.

You poor thing. Flowers

JohnFarleysRuskin · 21/04/2015 19:16

Then if you can stand it, let him have the kids on Saturday. And get them to do the drop-offs.

Make sure you end your texts with: Im very disappointed.

Justusemyname · 21/04/2015 19:16

It's time for Cake.

GERTI · 21/04/2015 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FelicityGubbins · 21/04/2015 19:25

Fucks sake, just drop them in the shit at work and let them flounder in their own shit, you will survive financially even if he is jobless for a while, and phone his parents up and tell them the truth too.

knowledgeispower · 21/04/2015 19:25

Never mind that justusemyname. Its time for Wine

Seriously though you are doing brilliantly. Tomorrow will bring more clarity. Focus on that.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 21/04/2015 19:29

What a piece of shit he is...he is the one that has lowered his standards by going with a slut that sucks his dick at work....she is welcome to him...I'm sure she would love having someone elses twins for the weekend...not

Justusemyname · 21/04/2015 19:30

I agree, knowledge, and I nearly put wine as well but I'm a cake eater rather than a wine drinker.

knowledgeispower · 21/04/2015 19:35

I'll take both!! I'm that kinda gal CakeWine

Sorry OP for the "silly" chit chat. Believe it or not this time last year I went through one of the most devastating periods (different situation to yours) in my 33 years and I can honestly say there is light at the end of the tunnel. You wait and see.

Ratfinkandbobo · 21/04/2015 19:36

Two year old twins, enough to dampen the ardour of the keenest lothario Grin
I hope your twins give him merry hell!!!! That will soon put paid to the 50/50 shit!!

parsnipbob · 21/04/2015 19:39

OP I am actually senseless with rage on your behalf. If I knew either the OW or your dickhead H in real life....

Ratfinkandbobo · 21/04/2015 19:40

As a mum of twins I can tell you I would NEVER date anyone with twins under the age of 20!!Grin

Christinayangstwistedsister · 21/04/2015 19:41

Have the in laws not called to apologies and ask how you and the twins are? Fuck me, is no one making this prick accountable???

Ratfinkandbobo · 21/04/2015 19:42

I meant a dad of twins, mums of twins are different altogether Smile