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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affair - Not sure how to cope

951 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 19:47

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

OP posts:

knowledgeispower · 21/04/2015 17:15

Don't be tempted to message back saying that - do it! Message back when YOU are good and ready in a brief factual way. I wouldn't mention the solicitors appointments tomorrow either.

Phoenix0x0 · 21/04/2015 17:16

I wouldn't let him see them tomorrow.

I say this as your mum is kindly looking after them so that you can have some space, get things sorted.

Seeing him at this point won't help YOU feel any better and become more in control.

He very casually, coldly walked away after 12 years and two children. He needs to understand that what is in YOUR best interest is what is paramount.

goshhhhhh · 21/04/2015 17:18

I would go with your plan to let him see them next week when it is convenient for you. I also wonder if it would be in the twins best interest. What is he going to tell them?
Do what is best for you & your children. I am assuming that he wants to see them to make himself feel better. Think of yourself first & then the kids. They need a mummy who looks after herself so she has enough resources to look after them.
You call the shots. Don't just automatically respond to his requests.

Original poster

OpheliaRose · 21/04/2015 17:28

I've messaged him back and said that they are staying with my mum for a few days so are not available for dinner tomorrow but we can make arrangements for next week at some point.

It's so hard not putting I love you or kisses or something relationshpy

I know I keep praising her hit I've had years of her being mentioned on and off by H and other work friends of his about how great she is! It's like I've been conditioned. I need to keep reminding myself she isn't great she's the kind of woman that have sex with a married man and obviously feels no shame if she can carry on Such a normal friendship with him

OP posts:

Hobbitwife001 · 21/04/2015 17:42

My love it dosent matter who praised her or mentioned how great she was, this woman has had sex with and given blow jobs to a man she knew was married with young children, that dosent exactly put her in a good light, she is a vile person, as is he, stop comparing yourself to her unfavourably, you are worth ten of her!

The ow in my case is a social worker, and part of our social circle, and everyone said how nice she was and how kind. So kind of her to have an affair with my husband of 28 years and lie and look me in the eye while sleeping with him. Some women are poison, take care of yourself and your lovely twins.

Justusemyname · 21/04/2015 17:52

Orpheus - your post about her being nice around his family while shagging him reminded me of another posters situation. The woman being intimate with the mumsnetters husband was friendly with her and talked to her often. Some women have no shame and nor morals.

Justusemyname · 21/04/2015 17:53

Bloody iPad. Orphelia! Sorry.

Cherryapple1 · 21/04/2015 18:11

you won't be expected to live on maintenance alone. What about tax credits, child benefit, council tax benefit, etc...

Go the the entitled to website.

SuchSweetSorrow · 21/04/2015 18:13

Agree that she clearly has no morals and is most definitely NOT nice. You, on the other hand, sound wonderful

Original poster

OpheliaRose · 21/04/2015 18:15

He replied that he is disappointed i've made arrangements for the kids to be away even though he mentioned to me yesterday he would like to take them out for dinner. He's disappointed but understand ...

he's fucking disappointed! how dare he tell me that i'm devastated that the man i love has not only been shagging some girl at work but he's also chosen to leave me and our beautiful twins for her!

OP posts:

JohnFarleysRuskin · 21/04/2015 18:17

If he gets in touch again, suggest Saturday night to Sunday.

Louboutin37 · 21/04/2015 18:18

Try not to worry at this stage about any empty threats he makes about the legalities of this situation. My ex told me when I said I was leaving that he was going after an attachment of my future earnings. I'd worked all the way through our marriage and we had no kids.

When they're backed into a corner and literally shitting themselves as yours is right now they'll say any old rubbish to puff themselves up. The practicalities or legalities of those words are rarely thought through

mindifidont · 21/04/2015 18:19

Awe bless his little heart, he's "disappointed".

You should tell him you're in fact a little disappointed too...

Louboutin37 · 21/04/2015 18:21

Fuming again on your behalf OP, but you're getting angry now, anger is a good sign. It will help you deal with this much better and pragmatically rather than emotionally. Those of us who have been there will agree.

I would suggest you don't let him near the children until you both have a plan that you agree on of how you will handle their explanation of this and ensure their welfare is protected. If he takes them out alone, that in itself is enough to get them asking questions. If he's not equipped to handle it sensibly for their sake then he's best off staying away.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 21/04/2015 18:22

Tough fucking shit!

I'd be torn between tormenting him with silence or sending a "yeah, shit happens doesn't it?" message.

OP genuinely, has he ALWAYS been so arrogant? He sounds an absolute tit.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 21/04/2015 18:24

Or a "yeah sorry about that but I needed a bit of space to make arrangements and put things in place..."

Nah, silence is better but by God the arsehole would benefit from a bit of his own medicine.

namechange2015 · 21/04/2015 18:25

"Well I'm fucking disappointed that you've thrown away 12 years & been shagging around behind my back!!"

Phoenix0x0 · 21/04/2015 18:26

He's fucking 'disappointed'!

The response back from him is outrageous and very entitled indeed.

That phrase 'I'm disappointed' is something a parent would say to a child.

Dick.

Let that inner rage out...

As katy Perry sang 'let me here you roar'!

JohnFarleysRuskin · 21/04/2015 18:31

Say "I'm sorry that you are disappointed, how about you have them this weekend? We might as well get them into the routine...right?"

Ratfinkandbobo · 21/04/2015 18:31

What namechange said.
How dare he, Christ this bloke is a total arsewipe

Ledkr · 21/04/2015 18:33

Yes, suggest the weekend to him, let's seen how disappointed he is then the fucker.

ophelia I'm a sw and trust me going to your gp isnt a problem.
I know you feel powerless but trust me, maintaining an aloofness and composed responses to his questions will give you so much dignity and make him squirm.
Ten years later I'm stil so glad I didn't do that.
Oh no. I strutted about in my heels in my new two sizes smaller jeans, died my hair blonde and found a social life.
I worked part time, had no help with the mortgage but got tax credits and still lived well with a nice holiday once a year.
The song I played was "stronger" by Christina aguilara.

Sausagerollers · 21/04/2015 18:34

The fact that he's disappointed with the way his new life is panning out only 24hrs after he started it proves it takes more than a bit of dick sucking to make a wonderful new life.

Keep hold of that anger, and remember whenever he plays the "poor little me" card, that this was HIS choice. He has chosen to leave the family home and not to be there for his children everyday; any unhappiness this brings him is entirely on his shoulders.

Bambino1234 · 21/04/2015 18:35

Please stick with the resolve you have now - you are so strong I wish I were as strong as you have been.
Desperation doesn't work, I was desperate and begging it made no difference in fact with hindsight it probably pushed him further and further away from me.
My partner made his choice just as yours has, he expected everything on his terms and I was weak and a door mat I fought for all the wrong things and he walked over me. I wanted to see him fight for us, he didn't. I wanted him to fight for his children he didn't.
Stick with the choices you have made and show him that he will not beat you.
I am only now four and a bit months on feeling more in control and my desperation in the early days really hindered my healing process.

I know how you feel but it will get easier, you will detach and hopefully by the time he realises what a mistake he has made you will be in a much better place and not want him anymore.

molyholy · 21/04/2015 18:39

He's disappointed!!!!!!!!!!!! Poor diddums. His dickishness knows no bounds!!!!

Christinayangstwistedsister · 21/04/2015 18:40

Prick

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