Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Not sure how to cope

951 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 19:47

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

OP posts:
tinystrides · 21/04/2015 15:12

Please don't contact him. Have you been to some solicitors? Write down his salary, find out where is pension is, savings accounts etc...Don't worry if you cant find them it just makes it easier for the solicitor to deal with your case.

You could contact work and find out your options. Finding out more information at this stage will give you power and options. A lot of the hurt you are feeling now is compounded by anxiety because your whole world has been turned upside down. He is financially responsible for the twins upto the age of 18 but you need to do everything you can to safeguard yourself and the twins from him x

GERTI · 21/04/2015 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 21/04/2015 15:30

Thanks Gerti I've read so many stories about how courts just give 50/50 access now as the norm I'm not sure what to do.

I have 4 appointments tomorrow with solicitors so hopefully they will be able to help me understand what I need to do.

OP posts:
DavidTennantsBeard · 21/04/2015 15:32

OP I hope you aren't on your own with the kids. Can you get a friend or relative (mum or sister?) to come round for a cuppa or even better stay for a few days. MN is a help but there is no substitute for real-life company. The worst bit of this is the loneliness.

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 21/04/2015 15:37

What Gerti said - yes yes.

Plus hes pie eye in the sky if he thinks 50/50 access is going to work.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 21/04/2015 15:43

Perhaps he should consider how good at parenting he is, when he can wank away to pictures of his ow when he is supposed to be in charge of his children

ravenmum · 21/04/2015 15:46

Seeing a GP is a responsible way of making sure that you are in a fit state to look after your children. It's not something that counts against you. Not sure how your husband or the OW ever know about it, but they can think what they like; you are your own person and don't report to them or ask for their approval. They have nothing to do with you any more.

Ratfinkandbobo · 21/04/2015 15:47

I don't see how he can have twins 50/50 if he works f/t. How will ow feel about that I wonder?
Its just another stick to beat you with, the nasty twat!

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 21/04/2015 16:01

Ratthey have a nursery attached to their work. It's where her child goes f/t so I assume he will look
To get the children a place there or another one.

OP posts:
LunacyPays · 21/04/2015 16:03

50/50 is still not living with your family full-time. He is being so cold.

I agree with the advice that you should be doing every thing you can to protect yourself by gathering information on your financial and legal position and also evidence of what he has done. He has treated you like shit and you need to be in a position to prove it.

Charley50 · 21/04/2015 16:19

hi OP don't believe his shit about how perfect she is. She made a decision to flirt and fuck a married man with children; young twins! That is behaviour that makes her very far from perfect. I just want to say that as I have a strong moral compass that has always allowed me to easily avoid married men as I don't agree with affairs. And he is a cunt. Sorry you are going through this.

SylvaniansAtEase · 21/04/2015 16:25

No, he won't be doing any of those things.

Firstly, things like him asking for 50/50 - ignore for now. All hot air. It's more likely that in two weeks' time he's going to be crying on the doorstep begging for forgiveness, but that's by the by. Things like 50/50 are a LONG way off - and if you don't agree, then it will be decided by the court - and it's unlikely that they'll agree, really - it would be far more likely with him working full time that he'd get every other weekend and a midweek. Sadly, if he does stay gone, it's more likely that he'll eventually only WANT every other weekend if he's busy building another relationship, or has trouble sorting out suitable accommodation - lots of things.

YOU are primary carer. They are tiny. These two things combine to make it the case that YOU call the shots. Nursery? You'll have the casting vote on that, and it'll be one suitable for YOU, nothing to do with his work. He walked out, he gets to walk back to a place that suits YOU when he's doing the nursery run. And no, they DON'T get to go to two nurseries for his convenience... a court would throw that out straight away. They'll be at a nursery local to you if needed, or a childminder you choose.

It's worrying a little bit that you seem to assume that he'll just 'do' these things - get them a place in his work nursery? Wtf? No, he doesn't get to make those choices. He never will. He's left, you're the resident parent. They aren't his decisions, they were only ever joint decisions, not his - and now they are your decisions. Get into that mindset - you will need it. In fact, the mindset now is: Fuck off with any thoughts about what will happen with the children - I'll be the one deciding that, seeing as your priority is your dick, if you don't like it, think about me showing that timed photo of your wank products to the judge and explaining that that's why I don't want you having them unsupervised.

But ALL this is way in the future. Stop thinking about it - it's distracting you, and the likelihood is that it will all change TOTALLY by this time next week. Keep calm, see a solicitor (or four), start gathering info, get as much financial stuff on him as you can and most of all, refuse to engage with being bumped along into anything. All of this can take all the time in the world to consider and for you to catch your breath and start making thought-through plans of your own. 'I'll get back to you when I've thought about it.' - that's plenty good enough for him right now.

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 21/04/2015 16:34

Ophelia whatever he SAYS at the minute is going to be a far cry from reality .

He does not love her - this in infatuation- and like my H he is likely in a couple of months to be very disillusioned and disappointed with how things turn out.

It took my H weeks to sob .

But when reality kicked in he sobbed and sobbed - because at the end of the day like my H and his OW - all their ideas are jackanory and they are not destined to be each other's "happy ever after". Far from it.

Ratfinkandbobo · 21/04/2015 16:37

A great post from Sylvanians

BoredAdminGirl · 21/04/2015 16:42

Excellent reply Sylvanians

MaMaof04 · 21/04/2015 16:42

She is so strange; the whore with married dads in a cupboard and the good friend in the office! I am not sure her behavior is plain British- let alone lady-like!
Re-the kids, I know what I will say is tough but think about in few days: if they want 50-50, then it is not a tragedy. You will have time for yourself. You might rebuild your life. The kids might happy to have two homes. If you see that the kids are not happy with them, then you can take him to some mediators to help you reconsider the 50/50. (I am not sure the OW will accept the 50/50 TBH. But if she does and the kids are happy then take it positively: you got free child-minding. I know it is hard for you to see this but you are young, nice, decent, clever, pragmatic and well-grounded. About your physics: a friend said once: there are no pretty or ugly women, there are only well-groomed ladies or neglected ones. If they take the kids on 50/50 you will have time to groom yourself!
TIME is a healer ; positive thinking and faith in oneself are wonderful companions through this dear life. Good Luck!

FriendofBill · 21/04/2015 16:47

Don't listen to what he says anymore Ophelia, when it starts rolling around your head remind yourself that he is a liar and you can't believe what he says.
You will have to take your cues from what his actions say.

Listen to Sylvanians and others who have your best interests, others who have navigated this successfully, and take on their suggestions until you are in the right frame of mind to do it yourself.

Do whatever you can to get through the day/night. Hang out with MN. We are with you and for you.

Lifeisadancefloor · 21/04/2015 16:48

Again brilliant responses from all - OP you are in control. You might not feel it at the moment - but you are and will always be - his behaviour has made sure of this. Be brave and carry on - with your strength and this much support you can do anything!

Joysmum · 21/04/2015 16:48

Does he realise he'll take away the twin's full time mother full time so he can have them 50/50 for them to be in a nursery.

This isn't just about him having an affair now, it's about him impacting on the twins.

molyholy · 21/04/2015 16:53

Love sylvanians reply. If he attempts to contact you over anything, that should be your reply - 'I'll get back to you when I have thought about it'

Ratfinkandbobo · 21/04/2015 16:57

Or a curt, I need to speak to my legal team first! Fuck off you cheating scum bag, I'm running the show!!!!

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 21/04/2015 17:01

Sylvanians thank you for an excel t post! I know I come across as weak and letting him call the shots but it's just because I'm confused and really upset. I never ever imagined myself in this situation, as naive as that sounds, we made the choices is be a SAHM for ten early years we had the money to do it and he wanted me to enjoy my children's early life not stress about work so I can understand how he can be prepared to just throw all this away.

Especially some it's only been going on since January at the earliest. To me it just seems unthinkable you would ditch 12 years and 2 kids for a few months of flirting and sex.

He messaged me about 20 minutes ago asking how the twins where and if I was still ok for him to take them out for dinner tomorrow night. I haven't replied yet but since my mums offered to have them for a few days I'm tempted to go back and say no sorry they are having a holiday with my mum and he can see them next week.

MaMaof04 I don't understand her at all. How can you be sleeping with a married man but act so normal about his family. Thing is her messages are so friendly kind chatty I don't think she was asking him to leave.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 21/04/2015 17:04

No she isn't friendly and kind, she is playing a role " look what a lovely person I am "

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 21/04/2015 17:12

I've just looked on the maintainer calculator and I don't think I could live on just maintained alone even for two children.

I've just done some reading around it and I know I'm thinking worst case but if he actually does take up with OW would her child be taken into account?! That's what I seem to be reading but that seems utterly insane as his dad must pay maintenance for him. That sounds totally silly I know And I feel pathetic for saying it but I can't see how I can survive without going back to work

OP posts:
derxa · 21/04/2015 17:14

I have no experience in this area except being a woman who was 'played' in the workplace by a married man. I didn't succumb but I understand the affair bubble. I note that you keep praising this OW. Stop now! She's a complete wh*. Good Luck
Dx