Affair - Not sure how to cope

[OpheliaRose]

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

Do you think I should text him to say how yeh children are?! I've been doing everything in mum power not to message him although I feel like all I'm doing is looking at my phone obsessively hoping he sends me a text.

I don't feel strong right now I feel like a complete mess. I can't stop crying or just feeling completely numb. I just don't know to do with myself. I feel like everything I did with my free time was based round kids and him.

I have friends but since I've had the twins I don't feel like I've seen much of them or when I do it's not like it was before. I've also been away from my job since they were born so I no longer have that social interaction or distraction in my life.

Please don't message him.

I know you want to and I understand how hard it is.

Go out, do some cleaning, watch a film, to distract yourself.

You could also see if you could organise some counselling.

Hi Ophelia. I have read your thread from the original post. My heart breaks for you. Please do not text him. It is easy for me to say, but please please try and stay strong. You are doing so well.

He is a complete and utter twat (please pardon my French) and if you text him, it looks like you are chasing after him.

I hope you have got around to making some appointments/an appointment with a solicitor. Your priority is YOU and your DT's. Concentrate on you 3 and leave your cock of a stbxh to it. As most PPs have said, it wont last with the OW. Karma is a beautiful, wonderful thing.

Ophelia I spent a good twenty minutes crying in bed last night over your situation .

So much of it resonates with me and I remember the sheer anxiety, I would be racked with sobs, couldn't eat , just total grief at how this wasn't what I wanted for my children .

The way I dealt with it was to view my life as a blank slate - an opportunity. I made myself accept very quickly that he didn't want me - I do you know what - amazingly I put myself out there again and got back on the saddle. I didnt sleep with anyone or have any relationship, but had some lovely dates with some lovely men who helped me to find my confidence again .

Re-read all MaMaos posts and take notes from them. They are everything you need to hear and more.

What you DO also need to do my lovely is to ring the tax credits number and start to claim your tax credits - they were a life line for me.

Don't forget to see your GP too.

I know you have been through and got all the papers you need - but have you got a payslip of his ? You will definetly need that and also details of his pension scheme.

Also .. I know others have said you can't stop him meeting OW - but I did.

Be creative and assertive - when the anger kicks in you will feel able to seize control .

Don't send him a message.

This might sound odd, but can you go for a swim or something? Anything where you have a physical distraction and aren't able to check your phone. Because much as I dislike game playing, I think it'd be good for you not to respond instantly to his messages (if he does send any) and dance to your own tune.

I don't have a copy of his pay statements I never even thought about it. They can access it all electronically now so he doesn't bother with the paper copies.

I can't decide if I should contact my job and see if I can home off my career break earlier than previously agreed. I don't see how I will cope without a job

He should be texting you to ask how the children are. Give him nothing. Volunteer nothing. Get on with what you need to do and ignore him.

Well ask him for copies. I get mine electronically and can print them off.

Re work...good that you have that option but maybe think about it after legal advice. Would going back weaken your position as primary carer? Someone else may know more about this.

I agree - under no circumstances text him. Call tax credits and the council too to sort out your council tax discount. Get a lawyer appointment and do see your gp. Call in your friends. But no contact with him at all. I know it is really hard, but don't do it. And if he texts you leave it before replying. Do not answer immediately. Your power here is your silence. Stop worrying about him and start taking care of you.

Ophelia sweetheart PLEASE make an appointment with your GP.

You need all the support you can get at the moment - this is such an intolerable amount of stress and at the very least you need your GP needs to keep an eye on you to be able see if at any point there is anything they can offer to help get you through .

This will sound silly buy I'm worried if I see a GP they will think I cannot look After my children.

I don't know about working weakening my primary carer I have a friend from work who is a full time working single mum but she only has one child. I know OW is a full time working mum too and I already know how bloody perfect she is so I expect H will expect me to do the same ... If she can a mange it surely I can too!

Stop comparing, or allowing yourself to be compared, to the OW. There is just no comparison. You would not screw over a family!

You will not lose your children because you are heart broken your husband has cheated on you.

That's as maybe for ow, but you need two places for your DT's not always easy to find. And ow is FAR from PERFECT, giving married colleagues blow jobs and jollies in stationary cupboard. Yuck! What kind of reputation is that to be proud of in your work place

I know OW is a full time working mum too and I already know how bloody perfect she is so I expect H will expect me to do the same

Stuff what he expects or wants! Work out what YOU want and what will be best for kids and get the legal advice to make it happen.

His expectations are the last thing to be worried about.

My friend told me last night when she broke up with her ex she listened to a song on repeat almost daily because it gave her strength to get through the heartache.

I need to find something like that

There was a thread on here recently about empowering break-up songs. I'll see if I can bump it for you.

For me the first two weeks were hardest, and I pretty much allowed myself to wallow. After that, I kept myself really busy and it helped. Once the anger kicks in, you won't be able to stop.

Here .

Ophelia trust me they won't think that.

They will offer a safe place to talk and be supportive. My GP really helped to keep me grounded.

You are IN NEED my lovely. There is nothing wrong or embarrassing about that .

Tell anybody you can about whats happened- you will be amazed at the offers and types of support you will get and it will all help to get you through the first few weeks.

I listened to Icona Pop - "I Love It" on full blast . It's about realising he was cheating her. It's fab - rebellious and RAAHHHH!

Ophelia your GP won't think that sweetheart. You deserve and need help and support.

Destiny's child - survivor x x

So sorry ophelia.

I agree with those people that have said he will probably regret this but that is completely irrelevant. By showing no remorse, no desire to end the affair and try to fix your marriage, he has ended it and that is what you need to hold on to. Don't give him the option of coming back.

It's breaking my heart reading this thread - I was in a similar position a few years ago but H did all the right things and we are still together. Even so I can still feel that cold grip on my heart, that sense of disbelief that this nightmare is my reality.

I know you are sad atm, of course you are, but the man who cheated and left isn't the same man you had a good marriage with, this is a man with no principles, empathy or sense of responsibility whom you wouldn't want to be married to IMO.

Good luck x

I was so sorry to read this, your husband's actions make me sick. I cannot get over how cold and detached he has been about all of this. No real remorse. Does he show any regret at all that he will no longer be able to live with his dc?

One of the other posters here said 'your power is in your silence' and I totally agree. You have felt powerless in all of this because he has told you so little of what his intentions are. He is controlling you with his silence. If he doesn't know what your every thought/emotion/next move is then he will begin to feel less sure of himself. Silence is an immensely powerful tool.

Meanwhile, tell those close to you and lean on them as much as you can.

lunacy he's asked for 50:50
Custody of the twins so I'm assuming he thinks he can still have his family