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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Not sure how to cope

951 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 19:47

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 21/04/2015 11:47

This is in no way y our fault and there is nothing you could have done to stop it

If you think about it, what have your children done? Yes he has discarded them too...HE has decided to put the ow before them and not see them this weekend...who does that????

Lifeisadancefloor · 21/04/2015 11:47

OP - please dont think that anything your DH did was a reflection on you. It is not your 'job' to be 'better' to keep him from straying away - that was his responsbility.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 21/04/2015 11:48

Has he contacted you today to see how you or the twins are? He is a total and utter bastard who deserves all that is coming to him

MaMaof04 · 21/04/2015 11:50

I read (backward) the posts- Oh Christina you are so funny! Thank you.
Ophelie, we are here for you.
Your friend is great.
The first days you will obsess with them. Normal. But have faith in your inner strength: you will slowly learn to appreciate the little gifts life gives us.
He is so infatuated with her that it does not bode well for their future together.
Good Luck!

NoWireCoathangers · 21/04/2015 11:50

It's wise to get all your base framework lined up and the information at hand. However there may well be a reconciliation to be had, by forcing your husbands hand may end up with nastiness. The husband has already asked for 50/50 care of the twins as he wants to be a hands on husband. You don't want him to feel cornered and go for 100% custody.

OpheliaRose, you are going through hell here, however don't make knee jerk reactions that will have long term consequences. Yes your Hubby has had an affair, he's been found out and had his arm forced already. The OW doesn't necessarily want him full time. He may not necessarily want to be with her or want to leave you. He's ashamed of being found out, and has gone into hiding.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 21/04/2015 11:52

I don think he has gone into hiding, he seems to be out celebrating his new life

JohnFarleysRuskin · 21/04/2015 11:56

Nowire, he's said he wants to go to her. He said he is leaving. He said he is telling his parents tonight. It doesn't look like he's gone into hiding at all.

NoWireCoathangers · 21/04/2015 12:00

We say things in the heat of the moment. He's not had the wake up smell the coffee moment.

HollyJollyDillydolly · 21/04/2015 12:00

What a shit your Dh is :(
You definitely have nothing to be ashamed about. The only way is onwards and upwards now, I'm glad you're thinking practically and seeing a solicitor and sorting the financial bit. Hard as it is you need to make sure you and your dc are protected.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 21/04/2015 12:02

Nowire
The OW doesn't necessarily want him full time. He may not necessarily want to be with her or want to leave you

To be honest, stuff what Husband and/or OW might want - OP needs to ensure she and her children are protected.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 21/04/2015 12:04

He can't smell the coffee he is too busy in the stationary cupboard

JohnFarleysRuskin · 21/04/2015 12:09

Nowire, Well obviously he's not had the wake up smell the coffee moment yet. He's quite happily making plans for the future with his ow. And you twice say that the op has 'forced his arm' when she has done nothing of the sort. He is gaily setting the pace.

Lifeisadancefloor · 21/04/2015 12:10

I'm surprised he had time to do his job, must be difficult in the office trying not to accidently slip his cock into his colleague all the time Wink

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/04/2015 12:10

I felt too embarrassed and ashamed to go into all the details

Believe me I understand - you know of course that you've got nothing to be ashamed of, but it doesn't stop the feeling of being all over the place

Luckily you've got some great support in place, both in RL and on here, while all he has is a seedy life which might seem wonderful right now, but will crash around his ears soon enough

In time you will come through this - you've shown enormous strength already and I know it will carry you through

Ledkr · 21/04/2015 12:14

Remember that the way you feel now is only temporary.
I literally thought I'd be better off dead when it happened to me.
The humiliation that burned my cheeks, the sudden thoughts that popped into my head when I realised he'd been with her during crucial times in my life.
The fear of the future and sadness for my kids.
The thought that I'd be alone for ever.
None of the above have posed any problem for me.
I have positively thrived since he went.
My life has been so happy and fulfilling. My chikdren are fine.
Those first few weeks felt more painful than anything I have ever experienced but as fairy testified, a few days in and you will notice tiny changes and the feelings will dull.
The angry phase is next.
It's marvellous, enjoy it.

Justusemyname · 21/04/2015 12:23

OP YOU have done nothing wrong or had something wrong with you. Even if you hadn't had sex for years he is still in the wrong.

Why sexual harassment? Clearly both willing. I hope the stupid woman doesn't read this and use that as a way to get away with what she has done.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 21/04/2015 12:24

He is senior to her and she could do a pretty good job of twisting the truth

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 21/04/2015 12:34

I don't think it would be regarded as sexual harassment as although he is technically a higher "grade" than her they don't work in the same team but honestly I don't want to think about that. They were obviously both willing Sad

I don't think I have forced his hand I was sip opus and wanted answers which I got Sad not what I wanted to hear. I kept demanding more information about the situation not to force his hand but because I wanted him to tell me it had all been a terrible mistake a one off it meant nothing anything but that he had fallen for the OW. He chose to leave yes I told him I didn't want him there but he chose to go to a hotel and unending come tell me he thought he had feelings for OW. He didn't even give me the chance to save our marriage despite everything we've been through.

He hasn't contacted me about the reins but he's at work so honestly I wouldn't expect much phone contact. I remember from our conversations last week he has some big meetings this week although now I'm sure if that was true or just a cover to spend time with OW.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 21/04/2015 12:40

You will lose your mind trying to make sense of it all, the only thing you can do now is look after you and the twins

You will be drained, exhausted, battered and bruised

Instead of talking about they two lets think of things that you can do to take care of you...what do you enjoy?

ScrollDown · 21/04/2015 12:41

Hi Ophelia, I have followed this thread from the first post and I feel so terrible that you are going through this. You have been in my thoughts since that first post. I have been where you are with STBXH.

We had been together since I was 17, my whole adult life. Then I discovered he had been conducting an affair with another woman who was well aware of his relationship with me. The day after i found out, I disvovered I was pregnant. My whole world fell apart and I'm ashamed to say I did the 'pick me dance'. He carried on sleeping with me as and when he felt like it but was mainly in a relationship with the ow. I went through all the thoughts and feelings you are going through. It was a devastating time for me. I think the worst of it lasted around two weeks.

After our DD was born, the ow left him (I assume she got bored) and to my shame, I took him back. Another DD later and after 12 years together, he did the same (another affair) but I knew I couldn't forgive him a second time and I left with our two children. I haven't looked back.

I know right now you feel that you will never recover from this and you will be looking forward to the changed future with dread. I did too. I couldn't bear the thought of having to split the time with our DCs etc. BUT, in hindsight it has been the best thing that happened. I've rediscovered who I am, found my independence and I've met a lovely man and we're very happy together. The children are doing fine and I now enjoy the time they spend at their fathers as it gives me a break. I'm a similar age to you as well op.

Just wanted to send you strength and encouragement. These next few weeks will be tough but you will get through them a stronger and better person Flowers.

Cacofonix · 21/04/2015 12:46

OP I have just read through your thread and wanted to say I am seriously impressed with your strength. Loads of good advice on here and you will get through this. It is so hard, as of course we all think our OH are trustworthy - we usually could never imagine our DHs doing this, but unfortunately men, more often than not, think with their dicks, as you have found out. Sad
Please don't think it is anything you have done. Hold your head high - there is lot to be said about holding your shit together and taking charge as that will give you a feeling of control over your destiny - something he has pulled away from you and seems rather unconcerned about.
Flowers

ScrollDown · 21/04/2015 12:47

X-posted with a few. I agree with pps, try not to worry too much about the future because you will certainly feel differently when you are there, even if that's impossible to imagine right now. I never thought I would be happy again but I'm very much loving life at the moment and it is STBXH who is miserable without me. Try to take things a day at a time, even a minute at a time if that's all you can manage. Before you know it, you'll be out of the worst and gaining in strength a little at a time.

Ratfinkandbobo · 21/04/2015 12:54

Bless you op, you have nothing to be ashamed of. I understand how hard it is for you to go into gory details with your mum, you don't have to do that now. I'm so pleased you have told her and are getting good support. You are NOT a bad mum, I have twins and at their age it is bloody hard work! It's great they are with your mum, this is what good mums do, support when you need.
Please listen to pp wrt legal advice/maintenance etc and protect yourself and DT's.
Like pp have said you are grieving like a bereavement, it will get better Flowers

Louboutin37 · 21/04/2015 13:13

glad to hear you're up and about today OP, its the most you can expect of yourself at this stage.

I am livid on your behalf that he hasn't checked in today to see if you and the twins are ok. you hear such shocking stories about people taking drastic action in these situations, he's just destroyed you emotionally (temporarily I should add) and he doesn't even have the compassion to send a text message? That takes 5 seconds to do. I don't care how busy he is, that's the action of a total wanker in my opinion.

You need to remember this in the coming weeks when you start to get angry, it will help to reinforce any resolve you'll need.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 21/04/2015 13:17

If he has had time to form a relationship at work he has time to find out how his children are