Affair - Not sure how to cope

[OpheliaRose]

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

I have thoughts about giving my DC her address when they adults so that she can have a visit out of the blue.

My friends teenage children paid a visit to their fathers mistress and emptied the contents of a huge garbage can all over her car. It was what Americans call a dumpster, the kind of thing you see at the back of supermarkets. A neighbour of the woman saw them doing it and gave her mum and dad the registration number of the car and they called the police. The police turned up within an hour when it became painfully obvious to all what was going on. It was all a bit of a mess for a few hours considering where we live and not just because of the size of the dumpster.

As for my friends children - nothing happened to them.

Just one more thing - I'm willing to bet money on this being a rebound "relationship" (sordid affair!!) for her. She isn't very long out of a long relationship so it's pretty obvious to me that even though she's going around telling people at the end of last year "she's working on herself" she is quite obviously open to an ego boost. It's just a great shame that she's chosen someone elses husband to give it to her.

Anyway, enough about her. I hope you slept at least a little last night.

Hope you're ok OP - you've had such a lot to deal with in such a short period.

I keep saying it but please ensure you get legal advice ASAP. You can see already how he is justifying his skanky affair - he'll be doing the same with finances next.

Was also thinking about your husband. He needs to be very careful. I work for a fairly laid back company but the things your husband has done cross so many lines that even here he'd be in trouble:

• used "mentoring" to facilitate affair
• admits doing all the running to pursue an affair with a member of staff less senior and bring the one to instigate bj/whatever

-doing his dirty deeds on company property

If she ends up regretting this whole thing, things could get very nasty for him.

Yes, this has sexual harassment written all over it

Yes, I was thinking sexual harassment as well. The whole shop floor sound like a pack of wolves out on the hunt.

What's the saying...don't dip your pen in the company ink?

Gerti

Totally agree, not as attractive now that it is beyond flirting and meeting in hotels....and now he has no where to live, half the money and he needs to spend time looking after his twins....oh and everyone at work will know...a proud moment indeed

Hope you are ok Ophelia, thinking of you.

He was my world we've been together for ever it feels like. Our whole adult lives have been spent together. He always told me he loved me just the way I was and that i was perfect for him but obviously that was all lies.

It became lies. But you always were, and are still, just perfect for you. I know you have been together for so long, and from so young, that it is hard to see yourself for yourself. Your whole identity has been intertwined with being his partner, but you are still there. Trust us, and your lovely friend who came yesterday, YOU are just as fine and lovely and nice as you ever were.

It's a dreadful situation you find yourself in. Time to regroup your feelings and work out how to move forward.

Get the practicalities sorted first. Finances, home and family.

Deal with the emotional issues after the secure frame work has been built up.

Stop comparing yourself with the other woman, it'll only lead you to further insecurities about yourself. It's happened, for what ever reason and you have to take life by the reins and make solid decisions over your future. This may be independent life or perhaps building bridges and reconciliation with your husband.

Take Care

I have nothing to add here apart from to second what has already been said. But your story and that of your children has really touched me and I am thinking of you. I know you are strong and you will get through this, and to be honest you will come out of this as the better person. As for your DH words fail me.
Please take care of yourself there is only one way up from here.

Thank you everyone got your kind thoughts this morning. I didn't sleep much last night just had too much on my mind thinking about H &OW, how I'm going to cope alone, work, money , housing.

I went over to my mums early this morning to see the twins and tell her the situation. She was utterly shocked, I felt too embarrassed and ashamed to go into all the details but I made it clear he's had an affair and had left me for her.

She was very supportive and has offered to have the twins for a couple of days to give me a chance to sort myself out and take the time I need to get through the initial shock. I feel like a terrible mother for not having the twins home with me but with two of them all alone I'm not sure how I'd cope right Joe given that I can't stop crying and feeling like I'm going to be sick.

Going to call some solicitors and make some appointments.

Not a single message from H so I'm assuming he's fully going through with leaving out family for her.

Oh bless you. Stay strong and focussed on what you need to do right now. Get your ducks in a row then melt down.

This I felt too embarrassed and ashamed to go into all the details is why people who have affairs are vile. Wtf should you be feeling ashamed because of someone else's actions.

Remember, your life is built on integrity. Theirs will be built on mistrust. They will always be waiting for it to tumble down.

Ah Ophelia I am so sorry, glad however that you have spoken to your mum and you have support

Please do start to call solicitors, you need to protect yourself and the twins and don't feel guilty about them, they will love being spoiled at granny's

Oh and remember that have a father, is he devastated with guilt about them...it appears not...get angry on their behalf

Ophelia you are going through a bereavement accept in this case the bastard is still alive. It is ok to fall apart but we just want to make sure you have the legalities underway before you do as you have done nothing wrong.

If you are married you are entitled to a share in your husbands estate so it doesn't matter that he owns the house. Please get yourself to a good family solicitor and start finding out how the land lies. Also as a single parent I imagine you can apply for some financial help.

I want to say get CSA involved but actually you will probably get less money that way than coming up with a mutually acceptable maintenance agreement.

Glad you are getting a solicitor. You may also want to look into child maintenance. You could put in a claim with CMS if you feel he is not going to be forthcoming. Your mum sounds great. Please don't feel bad for her helping out during your hour of need. It doesn't make you a bad mother.

Placing your children with someone who can look after them and keep them warm,safe and protected makes you a bloody good parent, not a bad one.

When you see a solicitor and he gets contacted thats when the reality of it will hit home for him. you can tell by the way hes acted, he thinks your just going to accept it and do nothing. DO EVERYTHING possible to protect yours and your DTs, i know you feel like shit, its horrible and hard to function but make a move now while you haven't got the twins. Im sure someone here will tell ypu what practical steps you need to take to protect the house and finances. Its very possible OW could force him to make a move regarding the house and money, you have got to protect yourself

Ophelie,
I am thinking about you. The first days are hellish with little or no sleep at all. Do not beat yourself because you are not with the twins. You are going through a TRAUMATIC BEREAVEMENT.
I think that what I wil write reflect what most ladies said above. Still I will say it.
As the ladies said above sort out your finances ASAP then collapse - but not on your own. g
et friends around/call. Do not be ashamed by what he did- he has to be ashamed NOT YOU. Speak about it to your closest friends and relatives. With details. That will help you clear your mind of their nastiness. IMO avoid trying to be nasty to the OW or to him by publishing their sordid affair or by meeting her or doing something nasty to her/him. IMO this might bring you down to their level. Besides remember that he is the DAD of your kids. By all means clear your name with the people that are important to you but no more. (BTW affairs have no weight in divorces/separation.) Try to have some special activity everyday:

• meet your friends out in a coffee/bar/McDonald to get some food and to pour out your heart and to cry; *go out for a walk, a nice walk and learn to reconnect to the nature- watch the colors of the leaves, their movements; feel the wind; SMELL THE ROSES (transform this expression in something beautiful); *watch a movie; *listen to some music; *go to karaoke; *wear some nice perfume;
• have a long shower; *have a nice cup of coffee/tea or a glass of wine. Everyday do some little nice thing just for you- to uplift your mind/heart awake your sensual being. (I joined some dancing classes: at the start I was counting the micro-seconds to the end of the class but the music the moves the ambiance slowly started flashing back in my mind/body during the day, lightly taking me through the day, past my sadness. I read a lot like when I was a moody teenager. I stayed a lot at bed - just like a teenager. I focused on how I felt, on my sadness, on the pain in my heart: like if someone was drilling through it; I nursed my pain under a nice blanket whilst looking past the windows to the trees out. You know what: I now have fond memories of the first days/weeks/months post Discovery/Disclosure Day (DD)- even if when I lived them they were hellish. HOWEVER they helped me to reconnect with my inner self- to find myself back and to try to work on becoming better (more compassionate -more modest but unfortunately that does not come so easily.) Good Luck.

all your advice and kindness has me in tears. Thank you so much this is literally the hardest thing I think I've ever had to go through.

I know I shouldn't be ashamed it should be him his actions are disgusting but still I find myself thinking that if I'd been better or something more then he wouldn't of felt the need to kiss, get a blow job or have sex with this girl!

Oddly enough I think it's the fact that he kissed her that hurts the most. Kissing to me is quite an intimate relationship thing to do. Sex can happen without kissing so I feel deverstated that he felt enough for her

What a horrible shock. He sounds like an enormous twat.

I'm glad your mum is a good un and you can rely on her.

I would drop his parents a very nice text:

Hi, As you probably know by now, DH is leaving me and the twins for the woman who he has been having an affair with at work. I just wanted to say that I hope we can continue to have a close relationship and that the twins will always have their grandparents.

I would also insist DH has the twins on sunday. Tell him that you might as well start as you mean to go on.