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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Not sure how to cope

951 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 19:47

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

OP posts:
SylvaniansAtEase · 20/04/2015 21:19

OP, he is playing it like that for two reasons, I guess:

  • he's already alluded to her flirting with other men in the office - this is (probably pretty much subconsciously) him trying to move her away from 'office desperate who would have done this with the first one to take up the offer' in his mind. She's lovely, principled, honest, wouldn't have done this with just anyone, yadda yadda. He has to turn the scenario into this in his head otherwise she's a cheap slut and so is he.
  • right now, the script is 'grand passion', and so that's the part he is playing - no it's not something he 'fell' into/was seduced into/did in a moment of weakness and now regrets. He holds his head up! He takes responsibility! He cannot regret the grand passion! It's a twisted way of acting the 'honest man' - he wouldn't have done this for just anyone, it's wrong but now he's done it he stands by it etc. etc. It's not an unusual approach, quite standard for a bloke who likes to think of himself as a bit different from your average run of the mill cheating slimebag... however, sadly there's no difference.

Try not to get hung up on his interpretation of it all - it won't have much to do with reality and will have everything to do with how the teen drama is playing out in their heads - the guff they're currently telling each other about how they couldn't resist, etc. - that they're both such decent honest people so the fact THEY'VE done this must mean it's fate, it's real, it's love. Sadly, all it shows is that they are in fact cheap cheats, just like all the other cheap cheats. Yes he IS a man who'd throw away a marriage and his children's security for a shag. Yes she IS a woman who would throw her lot in with a bloke who would fuck over his babies. Neither of them want to be those people. Neither of them want to be the kind of people who would be in love with those kind of people. So he will die rather than allow himself to think for a moment that he's thrown his family away for a bottom feeder. Ignore it all. It means nothing.

BrowersBlues · 20/04/2015 21:30

Just wanted to say don't worry excesively about your babies. Children are extremely resilient and they will be fine. Enjoy their company and get lots of hugs and kisses from them. You three will be a very tight unit and you are more than capable of parenting them yourself. I hope you get some sleep tonight.

knowledgeispower · 20/04/2015 21:47

My god. I have just read the whole thread and have no words. Except - you sound amazing and strong. What a "catch" he's got there.

Just take one day at a time.

Mrsbird311 · 20/04/2015 21:50

Well he's not going to be such an attractive prospect now is he? How is he going to have the twins in her two bedrooms flat? Surly the other bedroom is for her child, she's unlikely to want random children staying in her child's bed, I know I wouldn't and I know she's a skank but does she really want to move some random bloke into her family home when she previously only spent time in a cupboard with him , I'm imagining she's back peddling pretty hard right now

sassandfaff · 20/04/2015 22:07

My interpretation of him putting the blame on himself instead of on her, fits in with a previous post of mine, about him thinking himself in love.

If he thinks he is in love with her, he will not have a bad word said about her, will not one to think a bad thing about her himself and will want to protect her.

You will probably get closer to the real truth, when he realises what a massive mistake he has made.

dreamingofblueskies · 20/04/2015 22:10

Ophelia I have only just seen this thread and it has made me feel sick reading it.

Your husband is a twat and the OW is not a nice person and neither of them are worth shit.

Look after yourself, I know from experience that what you are going through is possibly the most horrendous thing that will ever happen to you so you need to be kind to yourself.

He has treated you in a way you do not deserve and has shown himself in his true colours. The OW is not better than you, you are a nicer person than she is and I doubt her looks has anything to do with it, she stroked his ego and he thought with his dick.

I hate that people can do this to other people, if they had caused the same pain to you physically as they have harmed you emotionally then they'd be locked up for GBH. Sad

Please please be kind to yourself and take any help you are offered, I tried to cope with it all myself and ended up almost driving myself mad.

BrowersBlues · 20/04/2015 22:15

I would say she is planking herself. She will be ultra aware about what her colleagues are thinking about her behaviour. The blokes in the office will know full well that she has been doling out BJs and shags in the office.

She will now have to introduce your DH to her child who probably won't be delighted that some random bloke is moving in without any notice. Her family might also think it is a bit odd that he has left his wife and children to move in her when they haven't even heard of him.

His family might put on an act that they are supporting him but believe me deep down they will be seriously unimpressed by his behaviour.

Happy families - I think not!

Keep your head up OP you have done nothing wrong.

Louboutin37 · 20/04/2015 22:20

Sylvanians ans sass have nailed it! Good abc ice from these two. Hard to see it now from your perspective but I wish I'd asked their opinion 4 years ago

HelenF350 · 20/04/2015 22:22

OP I think you have been very dignified throughout this whole thing. Please take care of yourself and ensure that you eat properly. The LO's need you. Seek legal advice and do not let him bully you into doing what he wants. He is a horrible excuse for a human being and karma will catch up with him, mark my words it always does.

Ledkr · 20/04/2015 22:35

I think it's easy for the cheater to feel ok as they are not the one hurt and are full of excitement at their new lover and maybe even excited that it's all come out so they don't have to lie.
The reality is often very different when the partner has found out and there is no more ilicitness to make things so exciting and dangerous.
So she now has to live around not just her child but your two, they probably have to live together and it's much too early in the relationship for that, smelly feet and farting in bed, the shine will soon dull.
I promise you that no matter how he is acting now this will bite him in the arse when reality hits.
Maybe instead of him choosing to spend the weekend with her as her child is away, it's time for him to have his children while you take some much needed time to think and recuperate.
Let's see how ow reacts to that.
My ex was like yours all smug and patronising with his protests that he did mean to hurt me etc.
some weeks later he was a snivelling little twat on my doorstep telling me I was being stubborn and ridiculous in not allowing his cheating little toady arse back here.
The tit.

DragonsCanHop · 20/04/2015 22:54

Your updates make me feel so sad, I hope you start to feel the rage very soon.

MilesHuntsWig · 20/04/2015 23:00

Ophelia. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Couple of points:

  1. your ex is a grade A selfish cunt. When he grows up he'll hopefully realise this.
  2. don't beat yourself up, OW is the dubious bitch who shagged your DH, who gives a flying fuck whether she's got nice curves, she has a skewed sense of morality and it will bite her in her perfect ass one day.

I reckon when they both have to address the day to day side of a relationship and be at work together they'll soon cool off.

Please be kind to yourself and your DC. Get angry, you've done nothing wrong, this is out of your control. I'm afraid you can't cure stupid.

laurierf · 20/04/2015 23:18

Ophelia - just come back to this thread and, yes, agree, Sylvian, sass and others have nailed the explanation for this not hearing a bad word said about the OW bullshit. It's plain for everyone to see that they are as despicable as each other. All this shit he's coming out with right now has nothing to do with her or with you… it's all about him, him, him.

You are the only person who can hold their head high and feel no shame in this scenario.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/04/2015 23:22

Superb post, Sylvanian Smile

whitsernam · 21/04/2015 01:43

I dated a man for a while who had been cheated on and was afraid to show up at functions for his daughters, because he thought people would look down upon him. My advice to him was: You have done nothing to feel ashamed of. Chin up, Shoulders back, and Look 'em in the eye. He tried it, and was amazed at how he could face people!! I think you could try the same thing, as you've done nothing wrong at all.

But do go to a solicitor, find a good one, and get yourself protected financially. He is apt to suddenly decide you don't deserve a dime of "his" money (totally wrong, of course, but he won't admit that) so you need to stay ahead on that.

Good luck. Time wounds all heels.

MerryKat · 21/04/2015 06:40

I've read all the way through too. Ophelia you've had some great advice from people. When the dust settles and you feel less shocked you will be ok. You will find your strength. You will move on and you will be happy again. Flowers s

GERTI · 21/04/2015 07:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GERTI · 21/04/2015 07:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ledkr · 21/04/2015 07:30

You may not sleep for ages to be honest, or eat for that matter.
I eventually took control and used to eat some yogurt or a banana before bed as I felt that helped me sleep a bit.
I was a bit chubby so it was good but if you aren't you coukd get some complan today from the chemist as you need to stay well.
Herbal sleeping tabs are ok too, you may sleep initially but stil wake early because your cortisole leveks can be higher early morning leading to increased anxiety.
If this occurs just get up, have a cup of tea and watch tv or do something else.
I used to see each day as another one ticked off towards my recovery.
I knew I would feel better eventually so hung onto that.
First two weeks were the worst but once Id decided to have or know as little to do with him as possible (got sisters to do handover of kids) I started to recover.
Don't underestimate the healing power of going no contact for a bit, it's like a miracle cure.

TinyDancer69 · 21/04/2015 07:35

Orphelia my heart goes out to you and your babies. You say he was a wonderful husband and father. But a wonderful man wouldn't treat the mother of his children and them in such a hideous way. He is profoundly selfish and better you know the real him now as painful as that may be. As for her, desperate, selfish cow. No good woman would treat one of her kind like that. They have no morals and frankly deserve one another. But life has a funny way of working and one way or another they'll come a cropper. You in the meantime reach out to all your friends - they, like is on MN are behind you all the way. When the rawness settles and the fog lifts you will move on with the lightness that comes with being an honest, lovely, young woman with great integrity and decency. (((((((Hugs)))))))

Justusemyname · 21/04/2015 07:38

I've been thinking about you, OR, and hope you managed some sleep. Make sure you drink even if you can't eat.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 21/04/2015 07:53

Ledkr

I think " tit" sums him up rather nicely

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 21/04/2015 07:59

Morning Ophelia sweetheart.

Make sure you see your GP very soon - mine was a godsend.

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 21/04/2015 08:15

Sass @ 22.07 last night was spot on.

When my DH left within the first week he was professing how "wonderful" OW was. ( she was and is in my eyes a whore - I could never ever do that to fellow female ).

A few weeks down the line he was wasn't so sure ... As she had children she was dictating the pace. He had this illusion he was moving into an exciting new relationship , she seemed panicked he had left me for her. It all went tits up.
Strangely enough , as I had kicked him out within 24 hours of finding out - in the end I was the one with all the control.

Do you know what though- I have never in my life believed I was capable of hating. Sadly the OW has opened me up to the experience of true hate. I am the softest most forgiving compassionate person. But I hate her with every fibre of my being.
I have thoughts about giving my DC her address when they adults so that she can have a visit out of the blue.

But Ophelia the experience made me realise just how resilient I am. I really don't need to go on a Bear Grylls survival island to realise how strong I am - I am so proud of how I kept going with my DC those first couple of months and you will be too.
You will feel like Zena Warrior Princess. X

knowledgeispower · 21/04/2015 08:25

Actually upon reflection, I've not been through this myself so I'm sure others that have have mentioned it. You get back in the driving seat - the biggest insult is that he's said he's meeting with her at the weekend to discuss a way forward?!!!

There is only one way forward for you - that's up! Divorce the asshole. By the time it all goes shit shaped for them (which it will!) you will no longer care in the same way you do now.

Sorry if I'm not making much sense - I'm just shocked! That's just from reading.