Affair - Not sure how to cope

[OpheliaRose]

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

So she's the bright eyed bushy tailed bubbly type... so what?

It doesn't matter what she looks like.
It doesn't matter how supposedly lovely/respected/liked she is.

The bottom line is: if one of your friends came to you and said she'd taken up with a married man with young twins and he'd left his wife for her, you'd ask her what the fuck she was doing and tell her to get some self-respect. And you'd never look at her the same way again. She's a bottom feeder.

She knows this, which is why it's very possible (as others have said) that she's horrified that things have blown up like this and may be backing off pronto. If so, he's just made the biggest series of mistakes of his life. Thank God he has, though, because now you know what kind of a bloke your H really is and although it's utterly horrible and shocking, you are in a better place than you were last month, to be honest.

Clearly her 'persona' is the smiley just lovely girl next door with a hint of sexiness - fine, good, not particularly unusual. What you now know is that it is indeed just a persona. I would bet that Miss Lovely is currently not a happy bunny, knowing full well that what she's really like might be about to become common knowledge. Because it isn't going to do her any favours at all - if her image was 'man-eater' - maybe, but what's going to happen is that she's going to look as fake as fake can be. She won't come back from it easily, and I feel that your H may end up being shafted. If this happens, re-read this thread and don't, whatever you do, take him back. You've seen what he is.

Good post Sylvanian I really don't understand the bitching about her looks and personality. I know people are trying to be supportive and cheer OP along, but I think it's misplaced. What matters is her actions and words. And even these are insignificant alongside his.

Op the only person who is going to come out of this with respect and decorum is you.
People will see them for what they, a skanky pair of home wreckers, resorting to sexual acts in stationary cupboards. How immature!

Thank you so much everyone for all your support.

I just feel numb and sick right now. My friend has run me a nice hot bath and suggested I have a good soak, get onto bed (which she's very kindly brought me new bedding so its not its fresh and untainted by him) and try to get some rest.

I just don't know how to keep myself from wondering what he is up to, is he talking to her?

Keep talking to us instead of thinking about him OP. I'm so very sorry you're going through this. Have you eaten anything today? As hard as it might be you need to be kind to yourself and keep your strength up x

SylvaniansAtEase

^It doesn't matter what she looks like.
It doesn't matter how supposedly lovely/respected/liked she is.^

The bottom line is: if one of your friends came to you and said she'd taken up with a married man with young twins and he'd left his wife for her, you'd ask her what the fuck she was doing and tell her to get some self-respect. And you'd never look at her the same way again. She's a bottom feeder.

Yep. This is exactly it.

Also, just to hammer home - do not delay getting legal advice. He has had far longer than you to plan. I bet he's already worked out maintenance etc.

So much has happened in such a minute period of time that Im surprised you are still functioning in any way at all.

You have my utmost respect and admiration.

xxxxxx - a very unmumsnetty kiss and hug for you.

I've tried eating but everything tastes like ashes.

I don't even know where to begin everything reminds me of us. Our whole house is built on happy pictures and 12 years worth of family life. I still cannot comprehend how or why he would want to throw that all away for someone that in reality he barely knows.

I know i've got to stop comparing myself to her but I just can't understand what is about her that turned his head. I'm not saying i'm stupid enough to think i'm the only women he;s ever found attractive over the last 12 years but there is a massive difference between thinking some is good looking and actively seducing them

I know there is a chance their "relationship" won't last as they are both liars and cheats but what if it doesn't end in tears. What if they truely are happy together and I have to live with the fact my twins are part of their happy family while i'm all alone.

Ophelia in around 24 hours your life has been turned upside and you are coping. Your friend is helping you find the important stuff. Stay strong and vent away.

So sorry to read this. Stay strong and stay the one in charge. If he leaves tell him you want the house signed over to you so your kids have security. I hope you are okay. It will be raw for a long time. Take care x

At a time when the last thing we need is for our head and heart to be racing ahead with all kind of thoughts the reality is that it does and there is really nothing we can do except face another day.

Im so sorry you are going through this.

xxxx

Your twins will never be part of stationery tart's family.

I know there is a chance their "relationship" won't last as they are both liars and cheats but what if it doesn't end in tears. What if they truely are happy together and I have to live with the fact my twins are part of their happy family while i'm all alone.

Then you just have to live with that and move one, meet someone else, be single and have fun. This is all a long way off, you need to do what you can now so you are not shafted by them.

Also, just to hammer home - do not delay getting legal advice. He has had far longer than you to plan. I bet he's already worked out maintenance etc.

This ^^ he has had months to plan, he might have been planning to leave putting plans in motion but you found out.

Do you really after all this want him back, how will you trust him again even if he did want to come back, which he has said he doesn't

The twins will also be part of your happy family

Being in lust is very different to setting up home together, she might have just wanted an affair she thought no one would find out about or she might have wanted to steal your husband because she likes the look of what you have but its all a lie, hes a lying cheat who sends mucky picture's to other woman.

Glad your friend is with you and that she bought new bed linen.

I admire you too.

OP, my friend is just coming into the light at the other end of exactly the same tunnel (met in first year of uni and 20 years together with DC) including him not hearing a bad word against OW, despite the fact that when OW (colleague and friend from work) got dumped by her husband, she came and stayed at my friend's house for the weekend at DH's request because "poor" OW had been treated so badly by her "bastard" husband, and she's so lovely and just didn't deserve that etc. etc. So at her DH's request, my friend cooked this woman food, made her bed, poured her wine, sympathised… well then you know what happened next.

And still he would not hear a word said against her when my friend discovered the affair by accident

He recently came crawling back on his knees when the whole shitty mess went sour for him and OW…

...and STILL he wouldn't hear a bad word against her!!

Thank fuck my friend didn't cave. It took every ounce of her strength to withstand the pressure but she made the right decision for her and, therefore, for the DC and now she's in the light and she knows that she's happier for it.

You are young. You have a whole life ahead of you. I know you are heartbroken, shocked and sickened, but there is real, honest happiness on the horizon.

Ophelia you must be in a complete state of shock. Try to eat a bit of toast with a cup of tea. I know you won't believe me but I absolutely assure you that this scenario will be completely different in a few days. I would put my house on it that this will end in tears - his!!

I recommend that the only words you say to him from now on are that he is not to return to the house under any circumstances and that you are contacting your solicitor to start divorce proceedings on the grounds of adultery. Keep repeating this over and over to him if he contacts you and then sit back and watch him shit his pants.

You are undoubtedly shocked so don't try to make sense of it now. Just repeat the above over and over and hang up. If he asks to see the children tell him to get his solicitor to contact your solicitor over access arrangements.

He is living in cloud cuckoo land. I am about 20 years older than you and I have seen this situation so many times that it is a joke. Nothing will take the wind out of his sails like the reality of legal proceedings and access arrangements.

I know you are traumatised but you need to put on act of the century. Get in control of this situation and don't let those two boss you about. This is your life and your children and you make the decisions. She may look like she is smiling and always happy in photographs, don't we all? It is utter bullshit and she in is desperate and in complete denial about the damage she has caused.

Contact your solicitor and get legal advice and transfer/spend any money that you can in the meantime from any joint accounts.

Who knows what is ahead and you would not be the first couple to admit to mistakes and to try again. Maybe that is an option but in the meantime stand up tall and take absolutely no shit from him. Fake it until you make it.

I am off to the bookies to place a bet that before long he comes crying back to you begging for forgiveness using the words 'mid life crisis'.

I am thinking of you and willing you to be strong, even if you have to pretend to me. You can do it! Be a great example to your lovely children. Sending lots of love your way xxx

fairy Thank you

laurierf I guess what i'm finding my hardest to wrap my mind around (and so is my friend) is that he is making it very clear he did the chasing, he instigated the kisses, he asked her for pictures, he lead her into the room for a blow job, he started what would eventually lead to full sex. I think i expected him to blame her or at least try and make me see he;d been lead astray but he's been very blunt and clear that the blames lies with him. Like you said won't hear a bad thing said against OW

I've speed read through some of this but I've been engrossed mostly for the past two hours (and not in a rubbernecking kinda way) and I wanted to chuck in my two penneth from experience OP.

You've just taken me back to the most gut wrenching time of my life. Every detail and he way you're feeling reeks of history so a bug hug and I hope you can understand that we all get through it eventually.

Two pieces of advice for you:-

1. try not to get too hung up in the detail of what has happened and how you feel about it. I remember going over reams of correspondence that used to render my legs incapable of movement with the adrenaline every time I poured over them trying to find out how much I'd been lied to.

Eventually I deleted everything as I knew it was destroying me. As someone said earlier, you know all you need to know by now, one kiss or 100, he's broken your heart. And he's not the man you thought you knew.

2. don't protect him in any of this. Don't go screaming the detail on social media but certainly don't protect him from his parents. I did with my ex and it gave him every opportunity to continue playing the victim to everyone after he ripped my heart out and stamped on it. My one true regret was protecting him from the people closest to us at the time.

It's a very long, tiring time that will take all of your strength to fight to get up every day and open the fridge without bursting into tears. But you will get through the next few weeks surprisingly well and take strength and comfort (and amazing advice) from the ladies on here. We're all in your corner here to support you

Please don't agree to 50 50 with the children until you have seen a solicitor. It may be a way for him to avoid paying maintenance and it will be harder to retreat from if it's already established. Every other weekend and one evening (not overnight) in the week is the norm with young children as it is better for them to have a secure and steady main home with frequent contact with the non resident parent.

he lead her into the room for a blow job

How the fuck does that even happen? "Ey up love, off we go, I want my knob sucked".

OP, I know he's your husband and all that but the two of them sound like a pair of sad dickheads.

Have just read the thread from start to finish.
Ophelia, I'm so sorry your having to go through this.

The only bit of advice I have is to try and keep a brave and normal face in front of the twins ((hugs)) and flowers @----

He has to try and paint her in a good light, he can't admit that he has left his wife and children for a slapper, how would that make him look?

Oh I'm so sorry to hear this.

Please get legal advice soon; I left it too late by which time he'd convinced himself I was evil didn't deserve a penny. :(