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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Not sure how to cope

951 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 19:47

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 20/04/2015 18:42

We have thrown a lot of advice at you today op, some of it made in anger on your behalf

But really,how are you, 24 hours ago you thought that you could forgive and forget, he has destroyed that hope

I really feel for you, don't be afraid to come on here , you are not answerable to any of us and if you want to come on and talk at times about how much you miss him then that is okay, if you want to come on and rage against the injustice of all of this, then that is fine too

Flowers
SingingHinnies · 20/04/2015 18:42

She doesn't want him to stay at her house as she has her DC there so the same should be afforded to you. Do not let him take the DTs until he has something worked out, if he has family nearby tell him they can collect the DTs and he can see them at their house until he finds somewhere permanent to live but you do not want your DTs introduced to this woman for a long time yet, they don't even know you have split or had time to process it yet never mind introducing her to them. You do not have to let this woman see your children, this is moving far too fast and because you are fragile and in shock you don't know what to do for the best.

I suspect in the cold light of day she will loose interest in him, thrill of the chase and all that. I would move to distance yourself from him, tell him he has made his bed lie in it and seek legal advice regarding the children to get something formal in place. He's having it pretty easy imo and seem's to only be thinking about her and her DC not you and your DTs.

MaMaof04 · 20/04/2015 18:46

It is me again - Sorry MN ladies;
I have not seen this FB stuff.
I advised to talk about the affair leaving etc and not to be ashamed but I did not mean that you should shout on the roof and make it public.
Speak only to your close friends and your family members. What he will say to his family/friends is HIS PROBLEM. Whenever it is far from the truth or reveal some deceitful tactic to 'clear his good name' DO NOT BE TEMPTED to go and refute him in public (FB). Just use this as some emotional tool to help you expel him more quickly from your heart. The focus is on YOUR WELL BEING not on rumors and spins. Behave in a regal way like the Duchess of Cambridge Catherine when her naked pictures were published. She did not publicly react. She probably laughed them off with her close friends. Stick to your close good friends. Stay off FB! GOOD LUCK!

SweetiePie0 · 20/04/2015 18:49

I have read your post and just want to say how sorry I am, I just hope she does to him what he has done to you and your children...you deserve better than him, but he doesn't not deserve you!

One day he will realise what a cock he has been and what a 'classy' girl he has shacked up with. No- one with any self respect takes someone else's husband or partner - I suspect half of the male population has been for a 'ride' - he just doesn't realise it yet.

Make him suffer!

GERTI · 20/04/2015 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 20/04/2015 18:59

I just feel utterly lost and broken. He was my world we've been together for ever it feels like. Our whole adult lives have been spent together. He always told me he loved me just the way I was and that i was perfect for him but obviously that was all lies.

She is the complete opposite to me tall, Dark Hair and eyes, curvy (not fat just curvy) bigger breasts and from all her photos always laughing, smiling or doing "fun" things. He's already told me how she has a knack for making the person she's talking to feel like the most important person in the room. She's very good with people everyone adores her and never comments on how shy or awkward she is.

OP posts:
GERTI · 20/04/2015 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFormidableMrsC · 20/04/2015 19:00

Handful...am surviving...as we all do...flowers for you too my lovely Flowers. I am just reading this, seeing exactly what this twat is doing and know that they will all pull the most horrendous stunts. It's textbook isn't it? I hope things are OK with you x

GERTI · 20/04/2015 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GatoradeMeBitch · 20/04/2015 19:04

I don't see the point in getting in first with the in-laws. They are going to be naturally biased towards him, and if they want to be dicks about it, they may be prejudiced against you for talking to them before he did. Let him worry about his family. By all means, set them straight if they have been told lies or stretched truths, but presumably he will handle the dc's contact with them over the coming years.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 20/04/2015 19:04

Everyone adores her because she is giving them blowjobs at work..probably always smiling so that she keeps her jaws supple for it

Weebirdie · 20/04/2015 19:04

I generally find that people who have a knack for making the person she's talking to feel like the most important person in the room.

are very practiced socially and everything is a veneer, you scratch the surface and there is nothing there.

GERTI · 20/04/2015 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 20/04/2015 19:08

My friend has helped me find all the important documents

I have the twins birth certificate, information about the house, mortgage and home insurance.

I have all our bank details including the latest statements from his personal and savings account. I also found his credit card statement which shows some charges to a pizza express (there is one near his office) and a holiday in for a day he told me in was in another part of the country for a meeting.

I feel utterly sick, it was a holiday inn by where their office is located. so he told me he was off for a meeting in one place and even got a hire car through work but really he just drove there and spent the day in a hotel and drove home to me and the twins.

I can't believe he is still lying t me after all the bile he's said other the last 24 hours you think he could at least be honest that there was another occasion in a bloody hotel!

I've looked through his bedside table and home office drawers. I found a scrap of paper with an email address i don't recognise on it. My friend says if its anything like her ex then he has a secret email account

OP posts:
Fontella · 20/04/2015 19:09

She is the complete opposite to me tall, Dark Hair and eyes, curvy (not fat just curvy) bigger breasts and from all her photos always laughing, smiling or doing "fun" things. He's already told me how she has a knack for making the person she's talking to feel like the most important person in the room. She's very good with people everyone adores her and never comments on how shy or awkward she is.

Wow ... all that ... and she gives blow jobs to married men in offices and sends them pictures of her tits and other body parts.

She's a real little darling isn't she?

..............

Please OP - stop torturing yourself with how wonderful she is. She can't be that fucking wonderful ..... if she has to have sleazy office gropes and shags with someone else's husband.

Cherryapple1 · 20/04/2015 19:10

She sounds incredibly fake to me. And her publicity pics online - well nobody puts up pics which make them look miserable or unpopular. Anyway, she can look like Cindy Crawford - she is still an immoral piece of work. Hardly something to be proud of is it.

GatoradeMeBitch · 20/04/2015 19:11

He's already told me how she has a knack for making the person she's talking to feel like the most important person in the room

And if it's true (and he doesn't just have his horny blinkers on) that is something that may rebound horribly on him in the future... You say he doesn't have much going for him in the looks department and they are fairly equal at work, perhaps all it will take is a suave charming higher-up in the company to notice her, and she'll be off. It's hard, but try not to obsess about her. She's not perfect, she has faults. He's never experienced her morning breath or a million other unsexy things. Those blinkers will fall off at some point, and hopefully by then you will be radiantly happy without him!

Ratfinkandbobo · 20/04/2015 19:14

You're doing really well op, glad your friend is helping you to gather info and had insight from a similar experience.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 20/04/2015 19:14

You will probably find a lot more, you don't really know what has happened or who he has become, that's why we are saying get a solicitor

Phoenix0x0 · 20/04/2015 19:14

Sorry to hear you have found more.

Is has lied and is a liar.

Keep looking.

handfulofcottonbuds · 20/04/2015 19:16

No matter what she looks like, she has a black heart and so does he!

Christinayangstwistedsister · 20/04/2015 19:17

Let's hope his knob turns black too

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 20/04/2015 19:24

Christinayangstwistedsister thank you for making me laugh.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 20/04/2015 19:26
Wink
SingingHinnies · 20/04/2015 19:27

I can't believe he is still lying t me after all the bile he's said other the last 24 hours you think he could at least be honest that there was another occasion in a bloody hotel!

Stop asking him for detail's he has proven to you he is not who you think he is, he is a bare faced liar. You are torturing yourself asking for info he will lie about anyway.

I am going to be brutal, he has left and has told you he doesn't want to come back, he want's a relationship with her.

You have got to think about yourself now and make sure you protect yourself and your DC. He is not coming back he doesn't want to come back and is probably getting a kick out of you asking for more info.

She is not wonderful, she sleeps with other woman's husband's, what goes around comes around. She is now in a relationship with a cheating liar, you are not. You will not find out the info you want to find out because he is a liar, he checked out months ago and is relieved it is now out so he can make a move to be with her. It remains to be seen how she reacts to this. There are jealousy issues already, she is a flirt and he has already said he didn't like her getting attention from other men, see how she reacts to this in the future.

Its done, he's gone and theres nothing you can do as he doesn't want to come back, cut him dead, leave him alone and concentrate on doing whatever you have to do to secure your DCs future.