Affair - Not sure how to cope

[OpheliaRose]

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

Dear OP

you probably will hate me joining this thread as I was at one point an OW. And there is no justification for it. I can also tell you from experience everyone is right in what they say about people having affairs can justify their own behaviour in some way, but what I will tell you is that when people make almighty moral mistakes who do still have some shred of dignity or moral compass left, they do everything they can to try to do the right thing. We stopped our affair . It was wrong .

and in case anyone wants to judge...go ahead...no one judges me harder than i do myself.

Sadly not everyone who has an affair has the moral compass that you came to jellybean

Stay away from Facebook.

Ring his mum and dad tonight. Reassure them that although you are quite honestly shocked by what you've heard and the photos you've seen, you hope that they will continue to feel welcome by you in your children's lives. You realise that things will probably change between you and them now, but... well, this wouldn't have been your choice... What? They don't know what you're talking about?

Whatever happens down the line, please do not ever consider taking this man back.

I am very sorry

The thing is that his truth is that he hasn't been happy for a while so when he tells his parents and friends they will likely accept

The spineless bit is him not telling you he wasn't happy and instead just porking her

I told me exs parents before he did the 'I'm leaving my marriage for someone else as I wasn't happy' and they never spoke to me again - so really, you have to be ready for anything when it comes to the other side.

My current husbands family would rip him a new one if he acted badly, they're all fantastic people.

you have a decision to make and you dont need to rush it. Your DH sounds very immature and i bet he will be back soon.
however if he wants to reconcile with you , he needs to be doing the hard hard work.
From what i have read on other forums men who genuinely want to reconcile tend to be horrified by themselves and deeply ashamed of their behaviour.
I am not sure if I am allowed to post other forum recommendation on here but try survivinginfidelity.com its really helpful

I'd tell his parents for starters

I seriously would.

What you found, the pictures, the cum shots, the blowjobs at work - the lot. How he was in touch with her the whole time you were away at Easter and how he told you that his most recent blow job was last Tuesday at work.

He's taking them out to dinner tomorrow to give them the "I've fallen madly in love even though I fought against it" bullshit and the "we haven't been getting on" bollocks. And I daresay the fact that you asked him to leave will somehow be turned into the separation being your fault.

Tell them OP. Others might disagree with me, but I fucking well would. It's the least this bastard deserves.

Vivacia has the best suggestion!

I hate how he's making her out to be so dam perfect

Completely understandable, but then he's hardly going to say she's a skank as that would reflect badly on him. I suspect they both know deep down that behaviour like this hardly ever leads to lasting happiness, so they might as well try to portray themselves as star crossed lovers while they can; I've no doubt it'll be over soon enough when reality creeps in

I'm another who'd save the porno texts, etc, for a more useful time; once it's out there you'll lose the initiative, and right now they'll probably just try to paint you as a vengeful wife. Perhaps it might be of more value when the talk turns to money ... ??

Puzzled - she can't blackmail him over the pictures for more money.

FWIW - I told my ILs before my STBXH had a chance to, we'd always been very close. They completely turned on me and said I had no right to go snooping in his private things for evidence. I've thankfully never seen them again. He's still bleating on about how hard done by he was.

I would contact his parents tonight and keep as calm and dignified as possible. Tell them you had to discover the evidence for yourself and unfortunately this included some graphic photographs. Let them know you are trying to keep them in the loop because although your husband has decided to destroy his family, you are working hard to keep yourself together for the sake of your children.

Do not let him spin this to make himself look less of a vile bastard that he is!!
P.s. you are amazing op, a real credit to your lovely children

thankyou cotton bud.
I told my husband everything, i was honest about why i had ended up doing what i was doing and we did really look at our marriage very hard, and we decided mutually that we were just friends and we should separate. It actually was in some ways the best thing we could do, but i did all that after ending the affair. I can clearly say that my husband and i took the decision together without the third party of an affair clouding my judgement.

It is fair to say that marriages dont always last, or stay the course, and even if oyu have children you shouldnt necessarily stay together, however the OP husband is being awful. He never even gave them a chance..to swan off to OW after a few bonks in the stationary cupboard is unbelievable.

YES ring his parents.....ask them if they could come and babysit THEIR grandchildren as you and DH need to discuss him leaving you..

She can't blackmail him over the pictures for more money

It wasn't more money I had in mind - simply her fair share. Given how this bastard has behaved, any available lever could be of value if he tries to cheat her

One thing I've noticed from your updates is that he is the one creating timelines and plans and he is the one saying when you will talk and how it will be in the future.

He is using your initial shock against you to control the situation. He is being cold, distant and heartless. He is 10 steps ahead of you and you are playing catch up while dealing with the instant shock of your world falling apart.

Do everything in your own time, there is no immediate hurry to see a solicitor but it is something you need to do to know how the future may look for you and your DCs.

If he dictates anything to you then keep it short and say you need to think about it. After all, they have made it clear that they will need time to think about things.

The bare-faced cheek!

Yes I would let his parents know too. Are you on good terms?

Even a simple 'I discovered that he was cheating on me' will probably be a different spin to the 'we've been having problems for ages, way before I met x' that he will spin.

Let them know that you are devastated, had no idea he was cheating and had been since Christmas, that there has been nothing wrong between you as far as you knew until you found the evidence. That you understand that they will want to support him but that you wanted to make contact now and make it clear that you will always be there to facilitate their grandparent relationship with your children and you hope that you can always be on good terms.

And you could finish by saying that you hope it doesn't sound strange that you felt you had to be clear about this, but the way he's currently acting, you feel that he's turned into a complete stranger and you simply wouldn't trust him not to misrepresent you to them.

i would second cotton buds advice....you do not need to do anything right now....if he asks to make custody arrangements/talk/collect stuff etc....say 'when i am ready'

He wants out ...you didnt make this as a joint decision after discussing it and working out a plan for the future as two people who want to co-parent amicably but both feel their adult relationship is over...therefore do not be rushed.

remember he has had time to decide and plan....you haven't.....the fact he is not on bended bloody knee grovelling even if he doesn't want to be married to you anymore seems unbelievable, he doesnt seem to comprehend that he is responsible for this mess.

Ophelia
There are studies that clearly show that there are women that are more attracted by married fathers than by single males. Nothing to do with looks. More to do with the fact that for them the married fathers proved that they 'can be domesticated' . Often than not, by having an affair these men show that they are not that domesticated. So the game is like this:
1- the OW expects a nice tamed male; hence she expects him to do all kind of stuff for her (pulling his weight in the housework? the financing? the childcare?) when he set 'menage' with her;
2- he the cheater expects to escape the 'grind' of everyday life and the same seductive behavior she displayed to lure him away from you and his kids; but of course to continue this seductive behavior is not in her plans (and not humanly possible between us) when he 'set' ménage with her.
So the outcome of their 'menage' will be far from what they expected and behave so immorally to achieve. Statistically the chances for the betrayer and his OW to end up in a happy relationship is almost zero (unless the 'betrayer' was with an awful P and in a very bad original relationship- NOT YOUR CASE.)
Hate them, the OW and your H if you want but you should work on yourself to think about them as some soon to be yellowish fading unpleasant memories in your life. You already gained kids (wonderful) from this marriage and you will get wisdom from the affair. You will learn to put everything that happens to you into a good perspective and your resilience and compassion will grow, believe me.

So Ophelie IMO:
1- First thing: be convinced that YOU ARE OK. Do not be ashamed that he cheated on you and wants to leave you. DO NOT BE ASAHMED to feel shaken unsecure confused angry etc etc We women who have been cheated on feel like we have been raped by the same men that pledged to support and protect us- same trauma. Like raped women, we might feel ashamed by our pain and suffering and by what happened to us. But that is not right. WE ARE OK! WE suffer from the same traumatic feelings/thought.

2- Tell your good friends and your relatives about it. Soon enough they will know about it anyway. Now you need their support. Talking is important. Hugs are important. You will find more support than you expected.
3- LET YOUR ANGER AT HIM BURST OUT: shout/swear at him if you want. YOU HAVE BEEN SHAKEN IN YOUR BASIC NEEDS OF SECURITY LOVE TRUST. Or just talk calmly if you prefer. He should have involved you from the day he started having feelings about her. HE HAS NOT BEEN HONEST. It was his duty to do so- one of our tacit vows when we enter a relationship/marriage is to be honest/open with each other about OUR INTIMATE LIFE, feelings etc. AS long as there is a relationship we are the PRIVATE LIFE of each other. (Sorry I did not read all the posts: was your sex life OK until now?)
1- take few days off work if you can; have some good friend/s with you . Again do not be afraid to tell your story: YOU ARE OK. The OW and him should be ashamed of their behavior. NOT YOU.
4- TRY TO GET HELP from your family friends with the kids. Do nothing at home but the bare minimum. (The hell with laundry/cleaning/cooking. Take the kids out to eat. Ask your friends to help you feeding them/washing them).
5- Enroll a friend to help you pack all his belongings and sending him OFF to the OW. Earlier he is out of your sight the better it is for you. It will speed up the DENIAL PHASE. YES IT IS A BEREAVEMENT PERIOD.
6- TALK TO HIM ABOUT SEPARATION?DIVORCE. He wants to leave. GOOD RIDDANCE! LET the kids know about the affair and the separation. Tell them in age-appropriate way. Let the school know. (They are brilliant and unfortunately quite experienced with kids whose parents are getting divorced/separated.) The kdis must understand why you are so sad and angry. Try not to say bad things about him- say just the truth about the leaving for an OW and about your feelings (they are your feelings only- they must understand that they should continue to love him and that they can continue to love each of you separately and it is fine; your feelings are adult stuff- to do with him as husband not as dad; they should understand that both of you will continue to dearly love and care for them but will do so SEPARATELY. HUG THEM A LOT. (IT is good for you and them)
7- Be sad- stay at bed- take time to cry for your dead marriage but at the same time try to do stuff you like (going out more often with friends- reading- walking etc). Go to the GP he might prescribe some pills to help you go through the first days/weeks/months (they are hellish times).
8- Reconnect with yourself. Hug yourself and your kids as often as you can. Remember the times you suffered before. You forgot? So you will also forget about this painful episode in your life. Yes it is just an episode. All your life is beyond you. It is tough but keep having faith in your inner self , you can make this tough journey and come out of it stronger! GOOD LUCK!

I fully intend to post later..I am so upset by this thread. I just wanted to cut in quickly in response to a comment by Handful..."waves, hope you're well my love". Just the comment about no hurry to see a solicitor, I have to say I disagree, he has purposely blindsided OP and my ex did exactly the same...I have since discovered that he sold everything out from under me, even the children's shares, I also received a divorce petition 3 days after he left. I had had no idea he was having an affair and it took me a long time to realise what he was doing in terms of finances etc. Please see a solicitor asap and as others have said, gather up every last bit of financial information you can get you hands on, change passwords, do not give him an inch. I will come back later, I have been in your shoes with a man who behaved in an identical fashion to your husband. They are arseholes.

I get on really well with his parents but I know from his 2 brothers relationship break downs they always side with their kids.

Hello MrsC - glad to hear things are more positive for you

WE all give advice based on our own experiences, and the OP will know which is the best route to take. As I said upthread, I do think it's vital you get the paperwork photocopied, P60s, payslips, insurance, bank statements, anything you can for now.

Sadly these situations rarely end amicably.

If I can give you one piece of advice - block her on facebook. Actually get her friend list and block them, and then block her. Then make your own FB as private as poss. Hide your friend list, your likes, groups everything. Make yourself as invisible as possible.

And yes, do tell his parents yourself what he has done. A brief email is sufficient. But tell them the truth.

I came off FB so I wouldn't be tempted to look.