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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Not sure how to cope

951 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 19:47

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

OP posts:
namechange2015 · 20/04/2015 17:34

Ophelia do you have anyone you can tell in RL? Someone that can listen /support you?

SylvaniansAtEase · 20/04/2015 17:34

Don't get hung up on her supposed 'perfection'.

You know deep down as well as we all do what everyone's going to think of her once you let it be known what they've done.

'I know! She handled herself with so much dignity when she broke up with her ex... would never have thought this of her... marriage wrecker... maybe that's why, do you think she was sleeping around when she was with X? ... God, you never really know people do you?... And she's got a kid herself, can't believe she'd sleep with a married bloke with two babies... What a bitch... and him, what a cunt, his poor wife... Well, talk about being all nice as pie and butter wouldn't melt, would never have thought she'd be the kind of person to stoop so low...'

Etc.

That's what the office gossip is going to be. You know it, we all know it. Even if it's polite smiles to their faces. It WILL be polite smiles to their faces, because right now they'll want it kept right under wraps.

I suggest you take that choice away from them.

LaurieFairyCake · 20/04/2015 17:34

Try not to text him. It's not you and him against the world anymore, it's just you.

Also, you don't have to agree to anything right now - he may try and get you to agree to things over the next few weeks so he can show you're unreasonable later.

One of the best pieces of advice ive ever seen on here is not to answer questions even if you're being shouted and and they're demanding answers - he doesn't get to demand. Just say you'll think about how you want it to be.

GatoradeMeBitch · 20/04/2015 17:36

And remember - of course she's been lovely and welcoming to her ex's new gf - she's had her sights set on your DH!

Chances are she's been orchestrating the whole thing before he even realized and only mentioned another man to give him a kick up the arse.

My room-mate in college invented a fictional boyfriend while she was flirting with a guy who made YouTube videos. She started making videos too and saying in a low seductive voice 'I have to be quiet. My man is sleeping in the other room...' It drove her target crazy, he had to have her!

You'd be surprised how often one person has been pulling all the strings. Not that that excuses your DH at all, I'm just saying, don't think he's going off to live in paradise with this woman - she'll have tantrums, irritating habits, and zitty bloated period days like every other woman.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 20/04/2015 17:36

He does work with spreadsheets a lot. It wouldn't surprise me if he has one somewhere.

No not her superior, he is a higher level but they are not in the same team so he's in no way part of her management chain

OP posts:
Phoenix0x0 · 20/04/2015 17:37

OP I would tell his parents before he does. He is likely to spin some tale delusional twat about how YOU threw him out, things were not good between you etc etc. I would be very surprised if he would say that he had met somebody else.

Ratfinkandbobo · 20/04/2015 17:38

phoenix that was brilliant post. Op you could use that, put it all over Facebook Grin

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 20/04/2015 17:39

I don't get why she would set her sights on my husband. He's good looking but nothing special there are so many single attractive men at their work (I've seen them at work events!) why would she want my DH! He's so normal and the from stalking her Facebook the complete and utter opposite to her ex bf!

OP posts:
FelicityGubbins · 20/04/2015 17:40

Honestly need to get this known now, today before they start telling "their" side of this, don't give them the opportunity to lie and minimize their way out of this, tell his parents tonight...

handfulofcottonbuds · 20/04/2015 17:41

I don't get why she would set her sights on my husband

Because he was a challenge. He was happily married with children and probably spoke fondly about you all. She wanted that!!

Vile people

Christinayangstwistedsister · 20/04/2015 17:41

Go into his Facebook and do it from him, then you can tag her into it

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 20/04/2015 17:42

I have a friend on the way over once she finishes work but I don't know if I can face anyone in real life right now I feel such an idiot. How could I not see this coming.

I was so happy when DH got this job because his old one (where he talked daily to OW for work) was long demanding hours so this meant he had more time but the. He ended up sat in the same office space as her so it became so much more than just liking talking to her on ten phone

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 20/04/2015 17:43

No, no, no social media.

Maintain your dignity, honestly it's the only way. You don't want to be seen as the crazy wife.

Silence is the best form in this situation.

Ratfinkandbobo · 20/04/2015 17:43

A friend of mine done it to her cheating ex, put up a status on his fb wall that he was a lying, cheating scum bag!

ravenmum · 20/04/2015 17:44

He can tell his parents and family what he likes; you can't stop him from being a liar. They'll believe what they want anyway. Then you can decide whether you want to have anything to do with them any more or not. If he lies to them, he can sit there with a bright red face hoping that the truth never slips out. You don't have to rush to get in first and make yourself look bitter or as if you have anything to prove.

aftereight · 20/04/2015 17:44

Please DON'T consider using FB to put your side forward.
A text to his parents tonight, stating the facts, may be a good idea though, otherwise he will spin them a tale about being kicked out by you etc, etc.

Cookiecake · 20/04/2015 17:45

This is such a horrible situation for you OP. I had a similar situation with my sons father, we weren't a married though and hadn't been together as long as you. I found it embarrassing that this had happened and kept thinking there must be something wrong with me.

In reality it's not you at all, things with someone else are always going to be all new and exciting but to it doesn't usually last. My sons dad tried to get me back on and off ( he is still trying) soon after breaking up but the thought of him with this girl was too much.

I wish that I had just dealt with my emotions myself rather than texting and begging him, it's embarassing that I did that. I didn't do it for too long though and I never did anything spiteful or anything like that which I am glad of. I can look back now and although it upsets me it isn't comely heartbreaking and my life has now moved on and I am reasonably happy without him.

I really wouldn't put anything on Facebook though or anything like that, keep it dignified, you'll be glad in the long run and your so much better than lowering yourself to that level.

FelicityGubbins · 20/04/2015 17:45

I wouldn't see her as the crazy wife cottonbuds, I would see her as someone not taking that shit lying down, just the same as I do on here tbh...

LinaDee · 20/04/2015 17:47

OP - I've been following your thread since it started and am still unable to offer you any advice - believe me, I wish I had some for you.
My heart is breaking for you - this is an absolutely awful situation for you to find yourself in.
I hope you have lots and lots of support in RL to help you with what this fucker is putting you through.
I'm can't believe how selfish people can be!

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 20/04/2015 17:47

He's been very clear he did all the chasing. He said he kisses her, asked her to meet him on the landing because he left the office with a key that needed putting back. Sad obviously it wasn't against her will bit he made it every clear he did the the pursuing

OP posts:
Psipsina · 20/04/2015 17:47

I asked if that meant he was now in a. Relationship with her. Apparently no the OW thinks that's too disrespectful and he needs to work stuff out with me like kids money etc but they will carry on seeing each other and "taking it slow"

This means (and I have no doubt whatsoever about this, though of course, I could be wrong) that she is freaking out that he is suddenly a bit too available, and realises that what was just a bit of fun and daring behaviour has turned into something she DOES NOT WANT.

In short, he's prematurely ejaculated from your marriage. She didn't want any of this. It's a proper turn off and she is panicking and trying not to lose face. She barely knows him. They have only shagged once.

I think you can probably guess the rest. Which will kind of serve him right.

Bowerby · 20/04/2015 17:48

So sorry OP - this is horrific. I cannot believe the gall of the man!!!

I can guarantee one thing though - he is NOT thinking straight at the moment. It will take a couple of weeks for the reality to even start sinking in.

For the moment I echo the pp who have said - no contact and take as much control over joint finances as you can. I personally would empty the joint account into a personal one entirely.

I actually wouldn't go public though. That way, you retain the moral high ground.

I absolutely guarantee that he will, at some stage, come crawling back. This isn't love - it's lust. Pure and simple. God knows why, but it's superficial. He might like to think he's all ready to play happy families with OW but the reality will be VERY different. When he's in HER house, with HER child and she farts under the duvet, etc., etc. Grin The glamour will soon fade.

And plus - how could he ever trust her? He knows what she's like. She might be into him at the moment but that'll change...........In the meantime challenge him on his behaviour, he's being very passive aggressive.

  • don't allow him to call the shots with the twins. Tell him firmly and calmly that you'll let him know when a good time will be.
  • remove as much money as you can from the joint account.
  • call his parents and tell them before he has time to.
You can very quickly shatter his illusions!

And FWIW - you sound like you're coping brilliantly. You've retained your self-respect and that will get you far.

I'm here as another hand to hold - be kind to yourself, chill the wine, call a friend and get the tissues out.

handfulofcottonbuds · 20/04/2015 17:48

Felicity - none of us here supporting her would view her as the crazy wife, even if she built a bonfie outside his work and threw all his belongings on it while whistling dixie.

But - others will sympathise with him if this is put out there in a vengeful way on social media.

There are ways to deal with this and that's not one of them as it only gives a short relief and then people judge, have their say and take sides.

ravenmum · 20/04/2015 17:49

She wanted your husband because she was deluded too - partly from the excitement and "romance" of keeping it all secret and partly from him acting all amazing, knowing she wouldn't be able to see him in a normal situation. He probably told her all kinds of amazing things about what it would be like if only he was not tied down ...

My husband even said to his OW that he dreamt of having children with her. I asked kindly how it was going with their plans for a child recently, and he said that well, what with his job at the moment it wasn't really the right time. He's 46 this year and in the real world, where they are now living, I somehow doubt he really does want a new baby.

parsnipbob · 20/04/2015 17:52

I second other pp. don't post anything about him on social media. Men like this utter twat are very good at portraying their ex wives as mental cases to justify their disgusting behaviour.

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