Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

At the end of my tether, so upset and need help & advice

122 replies

Feelinghelpless2 · 15/04/2015 19:37

I have posted before, but a quick summary is I have been married for 4 years, with DH for 6. I have a DS of 22 who has just moved out as he was being a right royal pain in the arse with paying dig money, helping around the house with chores and generally wanting to do what he wants after being away at uni for 3 years. So it came to a head he had an ultimatum and he chose to move out just over a week ago. However so much has gone on that even with him gone my DH and I haven't got back on track. But small baby steps and the last day or so has been better. However tonight, my DH was cooking tea and asked if I heard from my DS, I said yes (thought about lying to end so save any potential argument but went with it) and I proceeded to tell him he had text me and had bought a guitar as he wanted to learn how to play. My DH then said oh is that with the money he owes us for rent - DH thinks DS still owes us a months rent, by all accounts he does but I asked him to let it go for my sake so we could move on and I didn't want to cause any more friction or strain between us all. DH cannot obviously not let it go, I then tried to explain that I hadn't had the conversation with DS owing money, which I hadn't (DH then said I was pushing my opinion on to him as I kept going on, I literally said it a couple times) but my DH thinks I am defending him 'yet again'. It wasn't my attention to, but that's how he has took it. He was getting madder and madder and in the end chucked the saucepan he was cooking with to one side and has stormed off, saying to do what I want with the f*cking dinner as he is out for the evening. I feel distraught, I don't think I was being defensive but maybe I was? I know I can be but I am being uber careful what I say at the moment. At the point he said was the guitar bought with the owed rent money, I even said I am not answering that as we'll argue, he then said can't I ask what I want.
I cannot believe he has put us back to square one and it know means he will come home later, sleep in the spare room and we will have moodiness and silence for the next few days until we can start communicating again. I cannot take this cycle anymore, I thought my DS moving out would make things better, but it hasn't. I feel absolutely distraught at the whole thing. Thank you for reading, I am so sorry its a long post :o(

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 15/04/2015 19:42

Sorry that should have been a sad face Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/04/2015 19:42

did you post about this before ?

were you told that it was your H that was the problem ?

that

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 15/04/2015 19:44

Hi - Yes I posted previously but not about this particular scenario.

OP posts:
Offred · 15/04/2015 19:45

Any man that puts himself in conflict with your child is on very dangerous territory AFAIC. Not just because he's making you choose but because a decent man won't try and compete with your child for attention from you. Apart from all that from how you've described it he has an aggressive temperament which is another red flag. I doubt the problems with your marriage were caused by your son and when written like that doesn't it sound a little unlikely to be true anyway?

AnyFucker · 15/04/2015 19:46

Offred ! Where have you been ? < quick hijack >

pocketsaviour · 15/04/2015 19:46

Best case scenario, your H is jealous of your DS.

Worst case scenario, he likes being aggressive and bullying and your DS provides a useful stick for him to poke you with.

I couldn't be doing with a man who was so negative towards my son.

AlternativeTentacles · 15/04/2015 19:46

If you knew it was a red rag why mention the guitar?

Duckdeamon · 15/04/2015 19:46

Throwing things and days of sulking are not OK. Was your H like that before all the hassle with DS?

AnyFucker · 15/04/2015 19:47

why lie (or omit the truth) ?

I wouldn't....not to appease an aggressive, sulking, manchild like this

Offred · 15/04/2015 19:49

Hi AF. Been busy but feeling low, came back for my own advice! :/ no doubt some poster who disagrees will be on in a minute to tell me I shouldn't give advice in my current state! :/
Anyway op - don't agree you should have to keep things secret about ds in order to keep the peace. DH should grow up!

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 15/04/2015 19:50

I don't know what's real and what to believe anymore, I feel totally lost in what's right or wrong. I feel so let down by DH but am I expecting to put his feelings to one side for me, I guess I am and then I think is that me being selfish. So much has happened I don't know what to do! I want everyone to get on and be happy, but I can't see that ever happening. I cannot believe my DH is putting us back to square 1 AGAIN

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 15/04/2015 19:51

I wouldn't....not to appease an aggressive, sulking, manchild like this

Neither would I but the OP said she is trying to get back on track. Whatever that is.

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 15/04/2015 19:51

DH wasn't like this in the beginning now, DS being back has took its toll

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/04/2015 19:52

I read the threads about your son and I think it's better for everyone that he's moved out to his dad's for a bit.

However, I think one of the reasons he should have moved out was because your partner is so horrible to him. There was a bit of a stand off going on there, wasn't there?

Don't you ever think you'd like some time on your own, without anyone shouting at you or bullying you?

AnyFucker · 15/04/2015 19:52

Glad to see you back, anyway, Offy Thanks

I hope you can find a way to improve your situation soon.

Back to OP. Your H sounds like a self obsessed piece of work. All about him, isn't it ? Your son has the excuse of being young. Your H, not so much.

OodlesofBoodles · 15/04/2015 19:53

I would be interested to hear your ds's side of this.

Offred · 15/04/2015 19:53

It's not necessarily his feelings though is it but the way he expresses them. Your DS sounds like an entirely normal (annoyingly free of responsibility) 22 year old. How is dh's reaction in anyway proportionate? It's ok to feel irritated at being used as a hotel, it isn't ok to react to those feelings in the way he does.

woowoo22 · 15/04/2015 19:53

Nothing will change.

woowoo22 · 15/04/2015 19:55

*unless you get rid of him. What a drama queen.

Offred · 15/04/2015 19:55

Op what would you have done about DS if your h wasn't involved?

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 15/04/2015 19:57

My DS says my DH is miserable & moody and doesn't think he treats me very nicely. I think it was a total over reaction to me at worse defending my son (again) but I don't think I was, not overly anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 15/04/2015 19:58

Offred - I'd of put up with it but carried on nagging him. I'd of still threatened him to move out but I'm not sure my DS would have been so quick to follow the move through

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 15/04/2015 19:59

Imperial - yes I often think time alone would me nice to just be me.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 15/04/2015 20:00

I've seen all your threads op and I feel for you, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

They have both put you in the middle of this.

I have to say now your son has moved out your dh should at least be showing you a bit more empathy than what he is doing.

The problem you have is that your dh cannot understand your maternal feelings and behaviour towards your own son. He is plainly seeing your son as just anyone and expecting you to see him as the same.

I know you said your son went to uni before he came back home so how long have you and dh been married?

I don't see how you can go forward with this man when he is still being difficult about your son even after he has left the house.

Offred · 15/04/2015 20:00

So if you would have handled things differently, and he is your son, how is DH respecting your parenting choices? Step parenting only works if you are on the same page and a step parent should certainly not get to bully the parent out of their choices and the son out of the house.

Swipe left for the next trending thread