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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

At the end of my tether, so upset and need help & advice

122 replies

Feelinghelpless2 · 15/04/2015 19:37

I have posted before, but a quick summary is I have been married for 4 years, with DH for 6. I have a DS of 22 who has just moved out as he was being a right royal pain in the arse with paying dig money, helping around the house with chores and generally wanting to do what he wants after being away at uni for 3 years. So it came to a head he had an ultimatum and he chose to move out just over a week ago. However so much has gone on that even with him gone my DH and I haven't got back on track. But small baby steps and the last day or so has been better. However tonight, my DH was cooking tea and asked if I heard from my DS, I said yes (thought about lying to end so save any potential argument but went with it) and I proceeded to tell him he had text me and had bought a guitar as he wanted to learn how to play. My DH then said oh is that with the money he owes us for rent - DH thinks DS still owes us a months rent, by all accounts he does but I asked him to let it go for my sake so we could move on and I didn't want to cause any more friction or strain between us all. DH cannot obviously not let it go, I then tried to explain that I hadn't had the conversation with DS owing money, which I hadn't (DH then said I was pushing my opinion on to him as I kept going on, I literally said it a couple times) but my DH thinks I am defending him 'yet again'. It wasn't my attention to, but that's how he has took it. He was getting madder and madder and in the end chucked the saucepan he was cooking with to one side and has stormed off, saying to do what I want with the f*cking dinner as he is out for the evening. I feel distraught, I don't think I was being defensive but maybe I was? I know I can be but I am being uber careful what I say at the moment. At the point he said was the guitar bought with the owed rent money, I even said I am not answering that as we'll argue, he then said can't I ask what I want.
I cannot believe he has put us back to square one and it know means he will come home later, sleep in the spare room and we will have moodiness and silence for the next few days until we can start communicating again. I cannot take this cycle anymore, I thought my DS moving out would make things better, but it hasn't. I feel absolutely distraught at the whole thing. Thank you for reading, I am so sorry its a long post :o(

OP posts:

Offred · 15/04/2015 20:23

It is important to try not to keep this to yourself btw. Is there someone in RL who could be supportive?

Offred · 15/04/2015 20:25

I worry you're falling into the trap of trying to work out why he's so cross so that you can change yourself or make excuses for him though. It really does come down to the simple fact that he is angry and he is not dealing with those feelings in an appropriate way - only he can do something about that.

pictish · 15/04/2015 20:26

You've posted about your dh and his utter shit a good few times now that I've noticed. He really doesn't like your son does he?

Your husband is a fucking bully. It's constant and ongoing. He will never change.

Offred · 15/04/2015 20:26

It is very, very hard to deal with someone who is angry though, I know.

Original poster

Feelinghelpless2 · 15/04/2015 20:26

Thanks Hassled.
I'm so embarrassed to share this in RL. I have lots of friends but not one that is really want to share this with who'll be non judgemental. We both put on such a happy United front that no one would ever suspect. That makes it so much sadder. My family aren't much cop either so that's a no go, thanks Offred, your being v kind

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/04/2015 20:28

Do you think that if you share this in RL, that your H will be judged ?

So he should be

Offred · 15/04/2015 20:28

Have you thought about your boundaries when it comes to his anger? He seems to have already pushed past them into affecting your self esteem, how will you fix something in place so that stops happening and would you be able to get into your mind that you will leave if he doesn't stop?

Original poster

Feelinghelpless2 · 15/04/2015 20:29

How do I make him see that? I am scared of my marriage failing & I'll happy talk things through until the cows come home but he's not very good at that.

OP posts:

Offred · 15/04/2015 20:30

It can be hard to assert yourself when the rage happens if you haven't thought this stuff through beforehand you see...

Offred · 15/04/2015 20:31

I know you want him to see but the truth is he may just be one of those angry people who may not be willing or able to see. It has to be about you - your boundaries. He does not need to understand them or they wouldn't be your boundaries.

Original poster

Feelinghelpless2 · 15/04/2015 20:31

Hi AF, yes I think he'll be judged and that'll be hard. He has already threatened to leave as he said he couldn't take it anymore but with my DS gone I thought we could get us back on track. I feel I'm constantly walking on egg shells.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/04/2015 20:32

The best way is to not have to deal with it all.

Offred · 15/04/2015 20:32

Do you think your friends would judge you or DH?

Offred · 15/04/2015 20:33

Do you not think seeing him through other people might be helpful?

Original poster

Feelinghelpless2 · 15/04/2015 20:33

My DH, they'd totally be on my side I think. I don't want to give up but I'm at the point where I'm tired of living like this.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/04/2015 20:34

Do you think those family and friends that would judge your H accordingly are all wrong ?

Offred · 15/04/2015 20:34

It won't work to remove any possibility of him feeling angry. There'll always be something. The only two important things are how he deals with his anger and how it affects you. He doesn't deal with it well and it affects you badly - that's a toxic situation.

Original poster

Feelinghelpless2 · 15/04/2015 20:34

Yes Offred but when they think we've got a perfect life and very happy I wouldn't know where to start and then they'll know and I just feel sick at the thought.

OP posts:

pictish · 15/04/2015 20:35

Your marriage is failing now. He's a miserable, selfish cunt and you are deeply unhappy, so it's safe to say it hasn't worked out.

Original poster

Feelinghelpless2 · 15/04/2015 20:35

In honestly AF, no

OP posts:

Offred · 15/04/2015 20:36

He picked this latest fight IMO and that may mean that he enjoys feeling angry and the effect it has on you in which case there is little hope tbh, you'll just get more and more worn away.

Original poster

Feelinghelpless2 · 15/04/2015 20:36

I feel you may be right Pictish. Just gutted

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/04/2015 20:36

Then you are stuck with keeping up the pretence. No one can live like that long term without getting very ill.

Offred · 15/04/2015 20:37

Ppl usually know more than they let on and don't bring things up unless you mention them but I think it is the letting go of the idea that your marriage is fine that is holding you back from opening up.

Original poster

Feelinghelpless2 · 15/04/2015 20:37

Offfed, I'm pretty worn now and emotionally bruised with all that's gone on.

OP posts:

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