At the end of my tether, so upset and need help & advice

[Feelinghelpless2]

I have posted before, but a quick summary is I have been married for 4 years, with DH for 6. I have a DS of 22 who has just moved out as he was being a right royal pain in the arse with paying dig money, helping around the house with chores and generally wanting to do what he wants after being away at uni for 3 years. So it came to a head he had an ultimatum and he chose to move out just over a week ago. However so much has gone on that even with him gone my DH and I haven't got back on track. But small baby steps and the last day or so has been better. However tonight, my DH was cooking tea and asked if I heard from my DS, I said yes (thought about lying to end so save any potential argument but went with it) and I proceeded to tell him he had text me and had bought a guitar as he wanted to learn how to play. My DH then said oh is that with the money he owes us for rent - DH thinks DS still owes us a months rent, by all accounts he does but I asked him to let it go for my sake so we could move on and I didn't want to cause any more friction or strain between us all. DH cannot obviously not let it go, I then tried to explain that I hadn't had the conversation with DS owing money, which I hadn't (DH then said I was pushing my opinion on to him as I kept going on, I literally said it a couple times) but my DH thinks I am defending him 'yet again'. It wasn't my attention to, but that's how he has took it. He was getting madder and madder and in the end chucked the saucepan he was cooking with to one side and has stormed off, saying to do what I want with the f*cking dinner as he is out for the evening. I feel distraught, I don't think I was being defensive but maybe I was? I know I can be but I am being uber careful what I say at the moment. At the point he said was the guitar bought with the owed rent money, I even said I am not answering that as we'll argue, he then said can't I ask what I want.
I cannot believe he has put us back to square one and it know means he will come home later, sleep in the spare room and we will have moodiness and silence for the next few days until we can start communicating again. I cannot take this cycle anymore, I thought my DS moving out would make things better, but it hasn't. I feel absolutely distraught at the whole thing. Thank you for reading, I am so sorry its a long post :o(

He's been gone ages over a little disagreement, whats the point of anything - he's clearly not bothered about our marriage

Yes, but unless you change something (that you are able to change) about the situation it is not going to change. You can't make him not be angry or shouty. You can start coming to terms with the fact that that is the way things are and opening up a bit to your RL friends (that you trust) even if it is slowly.

Sometimes I just want someone in RL to know - I feel quite lonely despite having lots of friends I see regularly.

Hi, OP. Lots of similarities in our experiences. I could never work out the actual truth of what was happening. Felt like I was treading on eggshells caught between them.
Then a huge argument, provoked IMO by DP. He was very aggressive verbally to 19 year old DS and ordered me to 'sort him out or else'! He was barely containing his temper. I realised that expecting my children to join me treading on eggshells in our own home was never the dream. It was the last night partner ever spent under my roof. DS is still a pain on occasion but lovely too.

You don't even need to think in big scary terms like the marriage being over or him being abusive. Just accept he is angry and you feel bad about it, slowly reach out to people and see where it takes you.

Is there someone you could text to come round tonight?

Or someone you could go to?

Thanks Cloud and what an inspiring story, thank you for sharing. That must have been very tough. I hate being caught in the middle and neither party seemed to care.

Ofred- I think baby steps is a good idea. I'm not strong enough at the moment to go all out.

My DS said to me once that 'we wouldn't want to make DH angry would we'. He was being sarcastic I guess but they don't like each other it's fair to say. Wasn't meant to be like this,

No one really, the person I think I would trust has not long had a baby so bit late now. But I think I need to share in RL yes.

No 'may' about it. You've been posting about him for ages. This narcissistic prick that can't bear for you to love your own son.

You can't fix him. He's broken and that's the way he likes it. No amount of frank talking, compromise on your part, soul searching or pleading will save this abysmal marriage. This is what he is.

I feel such a failure and being in my 40's like I should know better.

A phone call? Perfectly acceptable to dripfeed things slowly while you are coming to terms with it or just speak to someone for a distraction and not mention it at all. I don't like to think of you just sitting at home feeling sad and waiting for him to decide to come back.

You haven't failed!

He's back - I feel sick

Let's hope it's not for round 2.

When a relationship is bad it is sad no matter what the relationship is like. We're all told that leaving a marriage is a failure but really that is a success if the marriage is actually toxic.

We're here if you need us.

How would you feel if you found out one of your friends was in a bad situation and wouldn't tell you because she was embarrassed that you would then know her life wasn't actually perfect? What would you want to say to her?

Your friends will want to help you. Why not let them?

Not before the strain of keeping it together made me ill. Now I feel like a weight has lifted. He needs to care just as much about your feelings as you do his. He needs to respect you and the relationship you should be able to have with your DS - even if has moved out.

You are absolutely not a failure. Being shown proper consideration and respect by your partner is a basic requirement in a relationship and he needs to man up and do that.

Hi, he's come in and as expected straight upstairs and into spare room. Not a word has been uttered. Do I say anything?

Thank you all. You may be strangers but I feel like I've got someone on my side. Thank you, it makes a difference

There's nothing to be gained really from saying anything if he's still sulking. What things can you do to take your mind off it?

Don't know, I feel so hurt. I want to go up there and tell him to shove the marriage up his arse. Theres no point anymore. Q me going to bed and sobbing as my life's a total mess. I don't know what to do Ofred

Fake it till you make it. He's sulking upstairs, you have the run of the house. Take that anger and use it to make yourself behave as though he is not there. Try not to go to bed and sob as he'll be expecting that. What would you usually do if he had gone out on a planned night out with no argument?