At the end of my tether, so upset and need help & advice

[Feelinghelpless2]

I have posted before, but a quick summary is I have been married for 4 years, with DH for 6. I have a DS of 22 who has just moved out as he was being a right royal pain in the arse with paying dig money, helping around the house with chores and generally wanting to do what he wants after being away at uni for 3 years. So it came to a head he had an ultimatum and he chose to move out just over a week ago. However so much has gone on that even with him gone my DH and I haven't got back on track. But small baby steps and the last day or so has been better. However tonight, my DH was cooking tea and asked if I heard from my DS, I said yes (thought about lying to end so save any potential argument but went with it) and I proceeded to tell him he had text me and had bought a guitar as he wanted to learn how to play. My DH then said oh is that with the money he owes us for rent - DH thinks DS still owes us a months rent, by all accounts he does but I asked him to let it go for my sake so we could move on and I didn't want to cause any more friction or strain between us all. DH cannot obviously not let it go, I then tried to explain that I hadn't had the conversation with DS owing money, which I hadn't (DH then said I was pushing my opinion on to him as I kept going on, I literally said it a couple times) but my DH thinks I am defending him 'yet again'. It wasn't my attention to, but that's how he has took it. He was getting madder and madder and in the end chucked the saucepan he was cooking with to one side and has stormed off, saying to do what I want with the f*cking dinner as he is out for the evening. I feel distraught, I don't think I was being defensive but maybe I was? I know I can be but I am being uber careful what I say at the moment. At the point he said was the guitar bought with the owed rent money, I even said I am not answering that as we'll argue, he then said can't I ask what I want.
I cannot believe he has put us back to square one and it know means he will come home later, sleep in the spare room and we will have moodiness and silence for the next few days until we can start communicating again. I cannot take this cycle anymore, I thought my DS moving out would make things better, but it hasn't. I feel absolutely distraught at the whole thing. Thank you for reading, I am so sorry its a long post :o(

Would not recommend wine btw if in a fragile emotional state! Baking a cake, watching tv, reading, listening to (cheerful) music?

Something to keep you occupied and at least give the impression you aren't sobbing in bed as usual. And use the time to think through what you will do tomorrow - work? Meeting a friend or making plans to meet a friend? No pressure on yourself to say anything but feeling as though the option is there to.

And if you really can't then sobbing in bed is not taking a step backwards so don't beat yourself up about it.

Go and tell him to shove the marriage up his arse then! Makes a positive change from sobbing yourself to sleep while he cold shoulders you over fuck all again.

Yes, if you can see it through tell him to shove it but not if it'll make you feel worse and you'll take it back and feel even more of a failure.

I'd normally watch some trashy tv which I don't get to do whilst he's here. I'm going to text my friend tomorrow and see if she wants a catch up with the view to spilling a few beans, she's been in a similar situation so I know she'll be good. I have work tomorrow, I'm a senior mgr so it's face on and business as usual. The funny thing ppl confide in me with their problems, I'm normally the go to person - funny really. Wine would be a slippery slope so I'll avoid! A PP asked what advice id give to a friend telling me all this - I know what it would be and it's not what I want to hear but might need to heed. Thank you all, particularly you Ofred, you've been a little star and made me feel clearer and more positive.

Rejoice in watching the trashiest tv you can then even if you quietly sob a bit while you do!

you must a lovely friend in RL

I'm glad you're feeling more positive. I expect it will be up and down but you have to start with being a friend to yourself and then surrounding yourself with a good support network.

I'm not surprised at all that you have a good job and are generally the go to friend! People who are able to put up with the angryness for long enough for it to wear them down usually are kind and resilient but no-one can take it indefinitely!

I hope things settle down again for you soon OP and he doesn't keep this up for too long. Until the next time.
It's no life this...but you know that.

Your DH won't be happy till you dislike your DS as much as he does. This won't be calming down any time soon. Sounds like your ds gets scapegoated for ALL problems your DH has.

Trashy TV and why not text your friend now?

I'm wondering if you have only been married four years and your ds has been away to uni if you didn't really get to see how their relationship was going to be.

I think that given the fact your ds has moved out you have done all you can in terms of demonstrating your commitment to your marriage to your dh.

He, imo is asking far too much of you now.

I'm not of the opinion that children should always come first either. I like to think everyone's needs are equally important. Your dh just cannot see that. He is putting his own beliefs and feelings first at the expense of yours and it is starting to interfere with everything else.

I know you said he was stressed about money but his response to that stress shouldn't be leaving you feeling this way.

You do need to discuss his behaviour with him.

I've been watching RuPaul's drag race on Netflix... You can get some episodes on you tube. Excellently trashy and very good cheerful distraction! Eleganza extravaganza!

I agree...he won't be satisfied until you cease to exhibit any regard for your your son whatsoever. Your h can't stand him, he feels threatened by him, he wants rid of him and he can't bear that you love him.
Deal breaker.

Never mind all the goading and punishment games. The sulking and the control.

Just no.

Thank you all I will text my friend tomorrow as she has a new baby and it's getting late (for her!) I need to decide what I want and that starts with some clear thinking and perhaps putting this all done on paper. In all honesty I don't feel I'm being treated in a nice way at the moment, that's really tough to admit. I don't want to live my life like this, I be better on my own. I just need to do something about it now. Thanks for the tv tip offred, noted!

Let us know how you get on. Small steps easier than big ones when you're feeling low and all steps forward no matter how small they feel are steps forward nonetheless.

Agreed. Do let us know how you are OP. x

Yes I know your right. I left my first DH and broke his heart as I didn't love him. I keeping thinking this is karma and im getting my just desserts. Ho hum - off to bed. Night all and thanks again

Will do Pictish

Yeah, you know things don't work like that really and your first DH wouldn't have been better off staying with a wife who didn't love him anyway! Brave step to leave in a situation like that! Sleep well.