At the end of my tether, so upset and need help & advice

[Feelinghelpless2]

I have posted before, but a quick summary is I have been married for 4 years, with DH for 6. I have a DS of 22 who has just moved out as he was being a right royal pain in the arse with paying dig money, helping around the house with chores and generally wanting to do what he wants after being away at uni for 3 years. So it came to a head he had an ultimatum and he chose to move out just over a week ago. However so much has gone on that even with him gone my DH and I haven't got back on track. But small baby steps and the last day or so has been better. However tonight, my DH was cooking tea and asked if I heard from my DS, I said yes (thought about lying to end so save any potential argument but went with it) and I proceeded to tell him he had text me and had bought a guitar as he wanted to learn how to play. My DH then said oh is that with the money he owes us for rent - DH thinks DS still owes us a months rent, by all accounts he does but I asked him to let it go for my sake so we could move on and I didn't want to cause any more friction or strain between us all. DH cannot obviously not let it go, I then tried to explain that I hadn't had the conversation with DS owing money, which I hadn't (DH then said I was pushing my opinion on to him as I kept going on, I literally said it a couple times) but my DH thinks I am defending him 'yet again'. It wasn't my attention to, but that's how he has took it. He was getting madder and madder and in the end chucked the saucepan he was cooking with to one side and has stormed off, saying to do what I want with the f*cking dinner as he is out for the evening. I feel distraught, I don't think I was being defensive but maybe I was? I know I can be but I am being uber careful what I say at the moment. At the point he said was the guitar bought with the owed rent money, I even said I am not answering that as we'll argue, he then said can't I ask what I want.
I cannot believe he has put us back to square one and it know means he will come home later, sleep in the spare room and we will have moodiness and silence for the next few days until we can start communicating again. I cannot take this cycle anymore, I thought my DS moving out would make things better, but it hasn't. I feel absolutely distraught at the whole thing. Thank you for reading, I am so sorry its a long post :o(

Thanks Quite, you've summed up how I feel very well. I feel torn, like I'm walking on egg shells and utterly heartbroken as my relationships around me break down. We've been married 4 years.

And what does h actually expect you to do? Not speak to your son? Never mention him? If he is still angry then asking about your son is just the same as picking a fight. One month of digs money is really nothing tbh...

Hi Offred. I made the choice to tell my DS to move out with consulting DH, I think that's part of the problem - I don't communicate to my DH as I can't bear the fall outs so I bottle it up and try and sort myself and fail miserably. My DH never said my DS had to move out just that he had to pay small amount of digs and do a couple of chores a week which I agreed with.

Could there be another reason why he might be picking fights? A little suspicious that he seems to have picked this one and then suddenly had somewhere to go to be 'out for the night'...

When my DS first went DH was lovely saying DS should come round for dinner etc. and then this. I feel that saying about rent was picking a fight and yes he's entitled to say what he wants but so am I? If only id said id never heard from him then I wouldn't be here, sat alone, crying feeling like shit again not knowing where my DH is or what he's thinking. It's seems so over the top!

Would he have somewhere he could be sure of going at the drop of a hat like that?

It is over the top

No I don't think so Ofred, I trust him implicitly in that respect. He's v v stressed with work & money at the moment so I'm trying to make allowances but it's so tough. We don't cuddle, kiss anymore - I feel at a loss totally.

He's entitled to feel things, he's not entitled to say horrible things. Saying horrible things is abusive.

He just drives around I think. In RL I have no one to talk to, I'm too embarrassed. I even spoke to the Samaritans last week as I was so sad / down with it all - I can't believe its come to this.

Is there a particular need for him to be stressed about money atm?

He doesn't call me names he just shouts at me - I hate being shouted at, I tell him that.

Try not to absorb his anger, I know that's easier said than done.

Yes we were expecting some money and it isn't happening, it's several thousands, it's causing a strain. We literally found out yesterday.

Keeping on shouting at you when he knows it makes you upset, and to the point where you are calling the Samaritans is surely abusive behaviour don't you think?

Are you generally struggling for money or is it just that you were disappointed?

I always try and remain calm and rarely raise my voice. I have read lots of advice on line recently about handling arguments so try to practise what I read to make things better.

I don't know Offred, I just can't see the reality of the situation as so much has gone on. We will struggle now yes for money

It won't work if he is the one behind the blow ups. If you've been trying to work on reducing conflict and it isn't working the next thought should be to examine what he is doing I think, whether his behaviour is behind the toxicity.

It isn't right, people should have more self control and respect for their partners than to keep haranguing them past the point of making them upset. Lots of people are upset by shouting, you may be thinking it is a problem with you being particularly sensitive but it isn't. Being shouted at is not nice and just because it doesn't affect some people doesn't mean you are overly sensitive.

No-one can expect to never be upset and never be shouted at but it should not be a pattern of behaviour that is causing you to alter yours to avoid it.

I hate it and that's why I never do it now. He seems so angry with everything right now. We should be coming together not fighting. I want to tell him how I feel over DS but I don't as we just don't communicate

I think what your DH just isn't understanding is that you don't ever stop being a parent - I think about and worry about my adult DCs just as much now as I did when they were toddlers, and I get the same amount of joy and pleasure from them now as I did then. The relationship changes, but they're always your kids. So whatever happens in the immediate future re the rent/guitar etc, there's always going to be this source of conflict. I really feel for you - it must be very hard.

It isn't your job to avoid provoking him. It's his job to do something about his anger.

I know, and it's seems such a trivial thing that's set him off and now he's off God knows where and will come in and sleep in spare room and then I've got that awful thing where I go to bed & sob and have to wake up, sob bit more and then put my face on and go to work and pretend everything great in my world!!! I want to scream NO ITS NOT!!!!! He text me earlier in the week saying he hoped things could get better and then this?! I can't fathom out why he's do cross still