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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Did I handle this passive-aggressive FB comment well?

127 replies

Molotov · 13/04/2015 14:01

After we had been together for about 2y, DH used to work with a woman who he became very good friends with (they worked together for about 6y). I didn't really like how close they became: together all day, every day at work; team meetings/team lunches/boozy outings, etc, where they'd joke around - lots of banter, chatty emails to eachother, that kind of thing. I used to get so sick of hearing her name all the time.

My DH is a friendly bloke who is oblivious to other women finding him attractive. I honestly think this woman had a bit of a thing for him and would have taken things further had I not been on the scene (who knows, maybe DH would have dated her if he hadn't been with me).

After they stopped working together (several years ago now), they stayed in touch via email but their closeness seemed increasingly inappropriate to me and after a few months of it, I asked him to cut contact with her: which he begrudgingly did. It caused some tension between us as I think he thought I was being paranoid and petty.

About 18m later, she joined FB and rather than her creating more tension between us, I relented and 'allowed' (can't think of a better word, sorry) them to be FB friends. I also became her FB friend but this was really just to keep my eye on things.

After our dd was born I tried really hard to be friends with her and went on a couple of outings with her and her toddler. But I just don't really like her. I find that there's something I don't trust about her, which wasn't helped by her saying things like 'Oh! I can't believe Mr. Molotov never told you about that!'

She's been alright most of the time in the 2y since. An ever present member of our FB lives: constant 'likes' and comments from her, which have been harmless enough and I think DH is happy just having her as a FB friend. The intense friendship seems to have subsided.

Except the other week she wrote a passive-aggressive comment about my appearance in a photo. She compared my appearance to a fairly unattractive celebrity. I showed DH the comment and he didn't think she meant to be offensive. I said 'OH, COME ON!' and his response was that I shouldn't put photos like that particular one of myself on FB Hmm We didn't talk anymore about it.

Her comment and his reaction really pissed me off (I was silently seething all weekend) and made me remember everything that I dislike and distrust about her. I find her to be a pest. She's not my real, actual friend IRL so I've restricted what she can see on my FB account. I could delete her as a friend altogether, but this way I can still keep my eye on things.

I dunno. I trust my DH but their past friendship - and that I feel like I'm always the one who is made out to be unreasonable - makes me feel weird. I'd love her to just disappear from our contact altogether.

What do you think? Is my most recent reaction unreasonable? How could I react positively if the subject arises again?

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 13/04/2015 14:04

I feel you need to tell us who she compared you to before giving a judgement.

Molotov · 13/04/2015 14:13

Okay, well, I have naturally curly/frizzy hair which I had straightened on the photo. She noted the difference in hairstyle before saying 'yet, somehow you remind me of a young Kate Bush'.

Not what you want to hear as a frizzy haired person!

OP posts:
Molotov · 13/04/2015 14:16

And I would have thought that to be a borderline thing for anyone to say, not just her. It would have miffed me coming from anyone.

OP posts:
rumred · 13/04/2015 14:17

Kate Bush is gorgeous. I'd be well chuffed

glitch · 13/04/2015 14:17

I think Kate Bush is pretty and her hair rocks so take it as a compliment.

MidnightHag · 13/04/2015 14:18
Confused Kate Bush is beautiful...is this a stealth boast?
Pootles2010 · 13/04/2015 14:19

Its a compliment! She's stunning.

Losingmyreligion · 13/04/2015 14:20

YABU. The young Kate Bush was stunningly beautiful. She has paid you a huge compliment.

Molotov · 13/04/2015 14:20

It was how she said it: the word 'yet'. It's like you look great BUT somehow you still look like this.

Maybe it's me being too defensive because she said it?

The history of their friendship might be distorting my view?

OP posts:
Molotov · 13/04/2015 14:20

No. Definitely not a stealth boast.

OP posts:
Stradbroke · 13/04/2015 14:21

I think if she makes you feel so upset then she should have no part in your life and your DH should support you in this. She clearly grinds your gears so cut her out.

Bluestocking · 13/04/2015 14:21

Kate Bush is beautiful and has gorgeous hair! And as a young woman she was breathtaking. I can understand that this woman is a bit of an intrusive presence in your life but that comment sounds like a compliment to me.

Losingmyreligion · 13/04/2015 14:21

Oops I didn't check which section this post was in. Seriously though - 'relationships'???

TurnOverTheTv · 13/04/2015 14:22

Are you fucking kidding? Kate Bush is not unattractive at all. I thought you were going to say Peter Beardsley or something. You obviously are looking for any excuse to end their friendship.

sooperdooper · 13/04/2015 14:22

Agree with the others, Kate Bush is gorgeous! I'd be well chuffed if anyone compared me to her, she was paying you a compliment and you're completely over thinking it

Justusemyname · 13/04/2015 14:23

I took it as to look like KB was a compliment but she was surprised you looked so good in the picture Sad.

Pootles2010 · 13/04/2015 14:24

Peter Beardsley Grin

DoTheDuckFace · 13/04/2015 14:25

Just had to google young Kate bush and have decided you are nuts, she is beautiful!

Lavenderice · 13/04/2015 14:26

You say you trust your DH but you clearly don't. And Kate Bush is beautiful.

HermiaDream · 13/04/2015 14:27

This reply has been deleted

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Molotov · 13/04/2015 14:30

I did wonder whether to put this in AIBU, but context (which is based on relationships) made me put it here.

Yes, she does grind my gears. I wish I could get DH to understand rather than always leaping to her defence. Maybe it's time for me to put FB down for a while and get some headspace.

Thanks all for taking the time to read and reply.

OP posts:
saturdaysnitching · 13/04/2015 14:30

What they said.

blueberrypie0112 · 13/04/2015 14:30

I would brush it off just this once because she probably found her very attractive even you don't feel she does. There are plenty of attractive celebrity but I never like being compared to them.

TheEggityOddity · 13/04/2015 14:31

I would read that as you look like a young kate bush but without the frizz now. It was meant as a compliment.

NeedABumChange · 13/04/2015 14:31

She was being nice. That's a huge compliment. You should have replied something about the hounds of love dragging you off to DH.