Did I handle this passive-aggressive FB comment well?

[Molotov]

After we had been together for about 2y, DH used to work with a woman who he became very good friends with (they worked together for about 6y). I didn't really like how close they became: together all day, every day at work; team meetings/team lunches/boozy outings, etc, where they'd joke around - lots of banter, chatty emails to eachother, that kind of thing. I used to get so sick of hearing her name all the time.

My DH is a friendly bloke who is oblivious to other women finding him attractive. I honestly think this woman had a bit of a thing for him and would have taken things further had I not been on the scene (who knows, maybe DH would have dated her if he hadn't been with me).

After they stopped working together (several years ago now), they stayed in touch via email but their closeness seemed increasingly inappropriate to me and after a few months of it, I asked him to cut contact with her: which he begrudgingly did. It caused some tension between us as I think he thought I was being paranoid and petty.

About 18m later, she joined FB and rather than her creating more tension between us, I relented and 'allowed' (can't think of a better word, sorry) them to be FB friends. I also became her FB friend but this was really just to keep my eye on things.

After our dd was born I tried really hard to be friends with her and went on a couple of outings with her and her toddler. But I just don't really like her. I find that there's something I don't trust about her, which wasn't helped by her saying things like 'Oh! I can't believe Mr. Molotov never told you about that!'

She's been alright most of the time in the 2y since. An ever present member of our FB lives: constant 'likes' and comments from her, which have been harmless enough and I think DH is happy just having her as a FB friend. The intense friendship seems to have subsided.

Except the other week she wrote a passive-aggressive comment about my appearance in a photo. She compared my appearance to a fairly unattractive celebrity. I showed DH the comment and he didn't think she meant to be offensive. I said 'OH, COME ON!' and his response was that I shouldn't put photos like that particular one of myself on FB We didn't talk anymore about it.

Her comment and his reaction really pissed me off (I was silently seething all weekend) and made me remember everything that I dislike and distrust about her. I find her to be a pest. She's not my real, actual friend IRL so I've restricted what she can see on my FB account. I could delete her as a friend altogether, but this way I can still keep my eye on things.

I dunno. I trust my DH but their past friendship - and that I feel like I'm always the one who is made out to be unreasonable - makes me feel weird. I'd love her to just disappear from our contact altogether.

What do you think? Is my most recent reaction unreasonable? How could I react positively if the subject arises again?

Does she know that you told Dh to cut contact all that time ago, btw?

There's nothing wrong with Kate Bush's hair.

How bizarre.

I can see why you're pissed off. It's out of order for a woman who is generally known for flirting with one's husband to be commenting on one's appearance.

I wonder if you don't trust your DH at all. You allow him to be friends with her, previously they got too close. Did he have an EA with her? And why doesn't he defend you automatically. Yes I am sure she has no boundaries and maybe she has the hots for him, but rather than getting his ego massaged by her don't you think he should be restricting his friendship with her himself? Or does he enjoy the attention from her?

I haven't abandoned the thread! Thanks for all of your varied input: lots of differing perspectives and lots to consider. Rabbit, Shove, Meerka and Nay (plus a couple of others - I'm using the app so can't scroll up) have my feelings pretty spot-on.

She didn't know I asked DH to cut all contact back then. When they reconnected via FB he told me that she'd asked him if she'd done something wrong.

I implicitly trust my DH, but he is stubborn and

Oops, posted too soon whilst trying to cook!

Please ignore the faces. I had to hide the phone under a tea-towel as I need to keep this private

he is stubborn and will not concede that I've ever been right about her. I trust that from his POV, it was a friendship. He has many female friends, many of whom I am friends with and have never, ever made me feel this way. Only the friendship with her.

It is undermining in a relationship for anyone to have a friendship to which the other objects.

Young kate bush was gorgeous. As is older kate.

It sounds like you're going to dislike this woman whatever happens. I'd delete her and forget about "keeping an eye" on them.

Amanda Redman is the consummate MILF to my eyes.

I think you have to just try to ignore her as much as possible. Don't respond to likes, comments etc.

Personally I can't stand Facebook. The entire concept enables passive aggressive behaviour.

Molotov you are right to trust your feelings about this woman, she is the only one out of all his female friends to make you uneasy.
From the sounds of it you are 100% confident that your Dh literally does not see what you see, to the point where it even annoys him a little (re the stubborness).

Maybe she is even a bit jealous of you, have you considered that?

Does she have a partner?

Pmsl at "Peter Beardsley"

I trust that from his POV, it was a friendship. He has many female friends, many of whom I am friends with and have never, ever made me feel this way. Only the friendship with her.

from this, it's certain that you're not being oversensitive. Trust your instincts here. If you found other females set you on edge, it might be you. if you're cool with most female friendships - it's her.

How to edge her out though, I'm not sure :( I wish your husband had more faith in yoru instincts.

I think I've managed to nudge her to the periphery of our life, but she is still there, IYSWIM. It's been 13y since they first met. There was once a time (several years ago now) when there were many get-togethers after work on Fridays and parties at her house that DH would want to go to (and some we did. Her parties were always alcohol heavy and I didn't really drink back then. They'd always be shit-faced and I'd always be angry about it as DH would promise not to drink too much, and then be near to passing out and I'd have to get him home. I used to think she'd encourage him to drink because she knew it would piss me off).

I'm sure that if I'd dug my heels in and said 'no' to the FB friendship, he would not have had any further contact. But it shouldn't be like that, should it? I can't/shouldn't dictate who he is friends with in any capacity. And I guess it defeats the object.

She has been in two relationships whilst we've known her, and is now married.

What an earlier poster said is true: my DH has never actually done anything. He stopped communicating with her when I asked him to (although that was a hard-fought battle). I honestly don't think there was or is anything there from his side.

Anyway, her presence had got to a tolerable level for me over the last couple of years, but then she went and wrote that on my FB photo and to paraphrase another poster, pissed in my back yard.

Yes Coconutty, it was her writing 'yet' that completely changed the context for me.

I can't/shouldn't dictate who he is friends with in any capacity.

But you keep doing so. Over and over again, you try to control this friendship, and I am sure going back to the days when you BOTH attended parties at hers, she and others have known you have jealousy issues with her, and trust issues with him. Anyone that knows all of you now is probably highly amused at your pretence of friendship with her in order to keep tabs on their non-relationship.

You keep saying that he has shown no evidence of ever being interested in her, and calmly cut her out of his life when you asked. He was fine not having her around for years, and likely would have carried on that way but you backtracked and 'allowed' the FB friending if you could too, but it sounds like he has less to do with her on FB or real life than you do.

You are just messed up. Either accept that he gets to choose and control his own friendships, and affairs are always a risk, and not just from those you suspect likely. Or cut her out again and just move on.

I assumed she was single from your posts! Well it sounds like all she is to you now is an irritating acquaintance. She has her own family and you have yours. Your Dh is nonplussed, so if she did intend her comment as a sly dig at you it just makes her look a bit sadelicious

You need to ask outright if she meant it as a compliment or not! If she did, you can make peace with her in your mind!

omg I meant "sad" not sadelicious lol

Might start saying that though

Kate Bush was one of the most lusted after women in the entire world.
Makes as much sense as being offended if she said you look like Angelina Jolie.

I think trust your instincts OP. If you dont like or trust her then theres probably a very good reason why, its your subconscious telling you that she and her motives are no good.

I dont think youre being crazy at all. Human instincts are finely honed over 1000's of years. Theyre what used to keep us alive. We definitely shouldnt ignore them.

And i wouldnt be too thrilled by that Kate Bush comment either tbh! Only very good friends have the right to comment on your appearance and even then they probably shouldnt!