Did I handle this passive-aggressive FB comment well?

[Molotov]

After we had been together for about 2y, DH used to work with a woman who he became very good friends with (they worked together for about 6y). I didn't really like how close they became: together all day, every day at work; team meetings/team lunches/boozy outings, etc, where they'd joke around - lots of banter, chatty emails to eachother, that kind of thing. I used to get so sick of hearing her name all the time.

My DH is a friendly bloke who is oblivious to other women finding him attractive. I honestly think this woman had a bit of a thing for him and would have taken things further had I not been on the scene (who knows, maybe DH would have dated her if he hadn't been with me).

After they stopped working together (several years ago now), they stayed in touch via email but their closeness seemed increasingly inappropriate to me and after a few months of it, I asked him to cut contact with her: which he begrudgingly did. It caused some tension between us as I think he thought I was being paranoid and petty.

About 18m later, she joined FB and rather than her creating more tension between us, I relented and 'allowed' (can't think of a better word, sorry) them to be FB friends. I also became her FB friend but this was really just to keep my eye on things.

After our dd was born I tried really hard to be friends with her and went on a couple of outings with her and her toddler. But I just don't really like her. I find that there's something I don't trust about her, which wasn't helped by her saying things like 'Oh! I can't believe Mr. Molotov never told you about that!'

She's been alright most of the time in the 2y since. An ever present member of our FB lives: constant 'likes' and comments from her, which have been harmless enough and I think DH is happy just having her as a FB friend. The intense friendship seems to have subsided.

Except the other week she wrote a passive-aggressive comment about my appearance in a photo. She compared my appearance to a fairly unattractive celebrity. I showed DH the comment and he didn't think she meant to be offensive. I said 'OH, COME ON!' and his response was that I shouldn't put photos like that particular one of myself on FB We didn't talk anymore about it.

Her comment and his reaction really pissed me off (I was silently seething all weekend) and made me remember everything that I dislike and distrust about her. I find her to be a pest. She's not my real, actual friend IRL so I've restricted what she can see on my FB account. I could delete her as a friend altogether, but this way I can still keep my eye on things.

I dunno. I trust my DH but their past friendship - and that I feel like I'm always the one who is made out to be unreasonable - makes me feel weird. I'd love her to just disappear from our contact altogether.

What do you think? Is my most recent reaction unreasonable? How could I react positively if the subject arises again?

Some comments can sound very lovely but you know the barb behind them based on the person, if that makes sense. The 'yet' could either be a back handed compliment or just clumsy writing that you took the wrong way.

You are ok with his other female friends but not this one? probably a good reason for that then. However, your husband sounds completely trustworthy so I would just de-friend her and let them get on with their FB friendship. You have no reason to be her friend and the fact is, if they wanted to have an affair you being on her friends list won't stop it, so having her as a friend serves no purpose :)

Not sure why OP has had such a hard time here. If this was a thread describing the friendship as it was when they worked together the thread would be awash with 'beware' warnings.

Their friendship was inappropriately close so OP does not trust the woman. DH cut contact when asked, so she can trust him. She's wary because these things can develop. Seems fair to me.

I have compared myself to my ex boyfriends' girlfriends before. I was paying attention to their look (which I found them better looking than me) when should minded my own business. So maybe that is the problem. This woman is checking "that other woman" out.

I agree with pp's, go with your gut instinct.
I was in a similar situation with an ex and after I'd pointed out to him how all the touchy feely flirting stuff was her coming on to him he backed off himself!

diymag.com/media/img/Artists/K/Kate_Bush/_1500x1000_crop_center-center_75/kate-bush-press-1200x800.jpg

Are you SERIOUS? In whose parallel universe is being compared to this ^ an insult?

I think she sounds like she's trying to be nice to you and you are determined to see her as the enemy no matter what.

However, I do think you should go with your instinct and if you feel she is a bit over-familiar with your DH then you have every right to ask him to back off from her a bit if it's upsetting you. To be honest though it does sound pretty harmless, just irritating.

I have not read all the comments but just wanted to say in response to your original post I am sorry your husband's friendship is causing you this distress.

It does seem your dh is unaware of how you really feel. I've got no advice except to say that you are not being unreasonable. No friendship or work colleague etc should be above you in terms of your marriage.

I do think Kate Bush was lovely but really this is not about that.

Good luck, I guess my only advice is to put your energies into your marriage and family and not allow this woman to get under your skin.

Are you sure that she's not just a sloppy writer? The "yet" doesn't even make sense.
"You look great, and yet you look like [somebody absolutely stunning]". Huh?

I'm not denying that there is clearly something there for you to feel the way you do about her. But maybe try not to give this one comment too much weight. It could be a genuine typo/writing error.

I'm on your side here OP. It doesn't matter if you are right or wrong in your belief that she is after your husband - she makes you feel uncomfortable and he should respect that and make sure that there are suitable boundaries, even if that means cutting her out altogether.

You feel threatened by this woman despite the lack of any examples in any of your posts to suggest you have any reason to be. She and your husband and were good work pals for 6 years, during which time you identified her as a threat, (no reason given other than that they were both members of what sounds like a pretty big drinking culture which you didn't like, but which nonetheless does exist in quite a few workplaces) and then unsurprisingly you found it hard to get on with her when you spent time together on your own and in her passing remarks you saw slights where none might have been intended.

You told your husband to cut contact with her and then you 'allowed' them to be in touch on facebook, with your supervision. Meanwhile she has got married and has children of her own. Her only allowed contact with this old friend is to post comments/likes updates to his facebook page (call me silly, but isn't this how facebook is supposed to work?) and she has now somehow managed to insult you with what most other people would see as a totally innocuous compliment.

I'm trying to see where you're coming from but I don't think you're being fair to either your husband or this woman.

Also maybe I should declare an interest - I can't be the only woman here who has lost a friendship with a man due to a partner "trusting their instincts" (as the OP is being urged to do here) and either making the friendship so awkward that it becomes impossible to sustain, or outright demanding that it stops. In my case, I might add, with absolutely no justification: I am the least flirtatious person imaginable; I had known my friend since university and never felt the least attracted to him.

I would have just said 'Yeah thanks, Kate Bush was gorgeous'
Grind her gears right back.

I have guy friends, but they are usually the bottom of my priority list because I have my own family and husband to think of. I have no idea if any of these guys' wife had a problem with me but it is none of my business if they did. They would leave their wife if they wanted to so I am staying out of it. I've never been told if they did have a problem. It doesn't matter because I talk to them once every blue moon.

My husband have women friends, but he rarely talk to them when he is at home. He is just not interested maintaining close friendship with another woman.

My 17 yr old DS has a massive crush on KB.

The 'yet' is puzzling. If it's a great picture of you then maybe she felt she had to say something nice and the 'yet' is just to reign you in. Or she might have an evil sense of humour and thought you'd bite back with a quip. Or she's just checking you out. Women and competition and all that.

Loving the Peter Beardsley! And hiding the phone under a tea towel

I don't find the 'yet' puzzling at all. The OP had straightened her hair before the picture. So this woman is saying that despite her newly straight hair, she still reminds her of a young (big haired) KB. And there's nothing wrong with big hair, before anyone starts. I'd love big hair.

One of my husband's female friends once compared me to that Tamsin Grieg. What to make of that?!

I've had women walk stiff legged around me when I was (much) younger and had to stop any sense of liking for their husbands before it became a friendship due to their bristling ... as well as being good friends with some married couples who are a bit less neurotic, thank god. And I'm as flirtatious and sometimes as tactful as a brick.

But when the OP doesn't have a problem with any of her husband's other female friends except for this one .... then she'd be foolish to not pay attention. The pattern is wrong here.

OP does your husband see this woman at all? Do they have any contact beyond Facebook?

I googled her to see if she was the all pretty goddess she's been made out to be on here and I have to say I disagree with most PP.

I'd be offended as someone who has frizzy/curly hair when you straighten it I want flat, straight 'look at me staying behind your ear' hair. It's kind of like saying

"You're hair looks good, like Monica's when she goes to Barbados in that friends episode"

Sounds like a bitchy comment to me op, given the backstory I think YANBU to feel the way you do. I'd be pretty pissed off with my dh if he couldn't see why the comment upset me and dismissed my feelings about it/her.

I also wouldn't have been comfortable re the extent of their previous friendship- would your dh be so tolerant if you had such a close male pal involving regular nights out/getting drunk together?

Btw I have curly hair with a tendency to frizz- I love Kate Bush but would not feel complimented by being told my straightened hair looked like her- when you think of Kate Bush wild, untamed hair comes to mind, not the smooth sleek straightened style you were presumably trying to achieve op.

It sounds like the "friendship" at work might have been inappropriate but that OP's DH didn't / doesn't accept this. No point in OP being friends with the woman on FB or RL as she is not a friend. If OP trusts her H then no need to seek to somehow monitor things.

But the comment wasn't: your hair reminds me of a young Kate Bush's - it was "yet, somehow you remind me of a young Kate Bush"

The OP writes that she has been compared to Kate Bush - a fairly unattractive celebrity. I suppose its like when, despite my long hair, people compare me to that fairly unattractive celebrity Audrey Hepburn, or when, despite being slimmer, they say I look like that fairly unattractive celebrity Marilyn Monroe. It really hurts.
(not)

Kate Bush is beautiful - I'd be thrilled if I was told I looked like her!

But if you've just straightened you hair, it was probably not the best comparison to make - I agree with you OP - she was being bitchy. In a clever way where you can never prove it.

I would take it that you've tried really hard to straighten your hair but haven't done a very good job as you still look like Kate Bush.