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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Did I handle this passive-aggressive FB comment well?

127 replies

Molotov · 13/04/2015 14:01

After we had been together for about 2y, DH used to work with a woman who he became very good friends with (they worked together for about 6y). I didn't really like how close they became: together all day, every day at work; team meetings/team lunches/boozy outings, etc, where they'd joke around - lots of banter, chatty emails to eachother, that kind of thing. I used to get so sick of hearing her name all the time.

My DH is a friendly bloke who is oblivious to other women finding him attractive. I honestly think this woman had a bit of a thing for him and would have taken things further had I not been on the scene (who knows, maybe DH would have dated her if he hadn't been with me).

After they stopped working together (several years ago now), they stayed in touch via email but their closeness seemed increasingly inappropriate to me and after a few months of it, I asked him to cut contact with her: which he begrudgingly did. It caused some tension between us as I think he thought I was being paranoid and petty.

About 18m later, she joined FB and rather than her creating more tension between us, I relented and 'allowed' (can't think of a better word, sorry) them to be FB friends. I also became her FB friend but this was really just to keep my eye on things.

After our dd was born I tried really hard to be friends with her and went on a couple of outings with her and her toddler. But I just don't really like her. I find that there's something I don't trust about her, which wasn't helped by her saying things like 'Oh! I can't believe Mr. Molotov never told you about that!'

She's been alright most of the time in the 2y since. An ever present member of our FB lives: constant 'likes' and comments from her, which have been harmless enough and I think DH is happy just having her as a FB friend. The intense friendship seems to have subsided.

Except the other week she wrote a passive-aggressive comment about my appearance in a photo. She compared my appearance to a fairly unattractive celebrity. I showed DH the comment and he didn't think she meant to be offensive. I said 'OH, COME ON!' and his response was that I shouldn't put photos like that particular one of myself on FB Hmm We didn't talk anymore about it.

Her comment and his reaction really pissed me off (I was silently seething all weekend) and made me remember everything that I dislike and distrust about her. I find her to be a pest. She's not my real, actual friend IRL so I've restricted what she can see on my FB account. I could delete her as a friend altogether, but this way I can still keep my eye on things.

I dunno. I trust my DH but their past friendship - and that I feel like I'm always the one who is made out to be unreasonable - makes me feel weird. I'd love her to just disappear from our contact altogether.

What do you think? Is my most recent reaction unreasonable? How could I react positively if the subject arises again?

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 14/04/2015 11:33

Agreed, Duck

If OPs dh has any sort of affair, that's on him. Keep tabs this woman all you want OP, your dh can still go off and fuck someone who isnt even on your radar, if he is the sort of man to do that. Even if this woman was trying to land him, IF she succeeds, that's his failure. HIS failure. HIS betrayal.

Pretending that if such a thing happens you can blame it all on her, because your precious man could only have been turned into a cheating bastard by her is ridiculous.

Basically, you were a little jealous over a decade ago, and are determined for that to be justified. To the point of fake friending her so you can spy on her and catch any slight that proves she is terrible and would have slept withhim except for your vigilance, or something. and now you have succeeded in finding a tiny shred of proof that she doesnt actually like you: being compared favorably to a woman considered quite beautiful by most, albeit in an awkwardly phrased sentence.

Hooray! You have won!

Now unfriend all around and get on with your adult life. This is teenaged stuff.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 14/04/2015 11:41

What Momagain said.

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