Did I handle this passive-aggressive FB comment well?

[Molotov]

After we had been together for about 2y, DH used to work with a woman who he became very good friends with (they worked together for about 6y). I didn't really like how close they became: together all day, every day at work; team meetings/team lunches/boozy outings, etc, where they'd joke around - lots of banter, chatty emails to eachother, that kind of thing. I used to get so sick of hearing her name all the time.

My DH is a friendly bloke who is oblivious to other women finding him attractive. I honestly think this woman had a bit of a thing for him and would have taken things further had I not been on the scene (who knows, maybe DH would have dated her if he hadn't been with me).

After they stopped working together (several years ago now), they stayed in touch via email but their closeness seemed increasingly inappropriate to me and after a few months of it, I asked him to cut contact with her: which he begrudgingly did. It caused some tension between us as I think he thought I was being paranoid and petty.

About 18m later, she joined FB and rather than her creating more tension between us, I relented and 'allowed' (can't think of a better word, sorry) them to be FB friends. I also became her FB friend but this was really just to keep my eye on things.

After our dd was born I tried really hard to be friends with her and went on a couple of outings with her and her toddler. But I just don't really like her. I find that there's something I don't trust about her, which wasn't helped by her saying things like 'Oh! I can't believe Mr. Molotov never told you about that!'

She's been alright most of the time in the 2y since. An ever present member of our FB lives: constant 'likes' and comments from her, which have been harmless enough and I think DH is happy just having her as a FB friend. The intense friendship seems to have subsided.

Except the other week she wrote a passive-aggressive comment about my appearance in a photo. She compared my appearance to a fairly unattractive celebrity. I showed DH the comment and he didn't think she meant to be offensive. I said 'OH, COME ON!' and his response was that I shouldn't put photos like that particular one of myself on FB We didn't talk anymore about it.

Her comment and his reaction really pissed me off (I was silently seething all weekend) and made me remember everything that I dislike and distrust about her. I find her to be a pest. She's not my real, actual friend IRL so I've restricted what she can see on my FB account. I could delete her as a friend altogether, but this way I can still keep my eye on things.

I dunno. I trust my DH but their past friendship - and that I feel like I'm always the one who is made out to be unreasonable - makes me feel weird. I'd love her to just disappear from our contact altogether.

What do you think? Is my most recent reaction unreasonable? How could I react positively if the subject arises again?

Just Googled Kate Bush. She's really pretty and ace hair.

Respond with: Thanks x

Nothing like meeting passive aggression (if that's what it was) with complete pretend obliviousness is that even a word

OP- just read this back to yourself:
"I didn't really like how close they became
I asked him to cut contact with her
I relented and 'allowed' them to be FB friends.
I also became her FB friend just to keep my eye on things.
DH is happy just having her as a FB friend.
I'd love her to just disappear from our contact altogether.

I think he thought I was being paranoid and petty"

really (?) why do you think he would think that??

I'm sorry to say you sound paranoid, controlling and spiteful. Your poor DH.

Is this you OP? nipples

Seriously, you are the only woman in the country who'd take offence at being likened to a young Kate Bush. She (and Debby Harry) were the first crushes of a generation of young men

Back in the day most men had the hots for Kate Bush. I would take that as a compliment.

Someone once told me that I looked like Olive from 'On the buses' or whatever it was called. I was supposed to take that a compliment apparently. I don't even wear glasses

Lol NeedABumChange

I completely get how you feel Op. From your point of view, she had a thing for your Dh and didn't care if you knew that or not. You don't like her, and don't trust her. Your feelings are likely right.
Do you think your Dh knew she might have fancied him a little bit years ago and just didn't care.

Lots of women had the hots for her too.

I think you are seeing insults where there aren't any. She's possibly making an effort to be nice to you. I think your dh is more the problem here

Also, did she make you feel insecure.

Perhaps there's issues within yourself you need to address.

Nay, I think he was either genuinely oblivious or chose to ignore her crush. I think he found her a laugh, lots of fun to be around and made work more enjoyable.

For me, they just got too close. I can imagine my DH being the same as me (maybe worse) if the situation was reversed and I was me being giddy with a male colleague, even long after we'd stopped working together.

Also, did your Dh know she might have had a thing for him and was quite tickled by it, is that partly why the friendship has lasted?

These are the hard questions

She was a very beautiful lady KB.

I'd be pissed off too OP, esp how your OH seems to rise to her defence.

Kate Bush was a complete sex Goddess in her day!

That aside- your husband is still perfectly happy to overstep the boundaries of acceptability in his "friendship" with her despite knowing it (quite reasonably IMO) upsets you so you most definitely do have a problem.

Have you ever asked him how he would feel if the situation WAS reversed?

I feel like it is your Dh, rather than the friend that is causing problems - if you felt completely secure in your relationship you wouldn't see her as a threat.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh Op, I've been in a similar situation

hahahahahaha at kate bush being a fairly unattractive celebrity.

But the main point is you feel uneasy around and about her, it can be hard to pin down.

Comparing you to a young Kate is indeed a compliment, unless she doesn't find her attractive herself (how could you not though)

Fuck sake. Get a grip.

You are massively overthinking this and it does come across as petty and paranoid. Sorry. I do not think it's fair or appropriate for one partner to dictate to the other who they are "allowed" to be friends with. (Unless there has been "improper" behaviour which doesn't sound the case here.)

I think I'd post a really sexy pic of Kate on my facebook page and say I'd be likened to her and how chuffed I was about it!
This really IS the way to do it in style!

Years ago a guy in a nightclub told me I looked like Kate Bush. I really, really don't.

It was dark and he was drunk. I went home feeling sad lol.

"She's not my real, actual friend IRL so I've restricted what she can see on my FB account. I could delete her as a friend altogether, but this way I can still keep my eye on things."

She is not the problem.

Your paranoid mistrust of your DH is.

The kate bush thing is neither here nor there, the real issue is that this woman is not a friend of your marriage, and you wish your DH could see this and didn't want her to be a part of his life. She has acted a bit like a dog marking it's territory with some of her comments in the past, but you are the one who has ended up looking unreasonable and controlling with your Dh because he has done the whole "but we are just good friends" thing, (which I understand is the title of a book by Shirley Glass about how extra marital relationships can start, so being "just friends" can be a dangerous game to play). I wouldn't want her around either.

How is Kate Bush "unattractive"? FGS

ummm, I think the Kate Bush thing is a distraction, the point is that this woman is kind of subtly treading on molotov's toes. Assuming that there is a -pattern- of comments about 'oh I can't believe he didnt tell you that!" ... it's a way of establishign a bond between the two of them that his wife is definitely excluded.

I'm fine with male-female friendships generally, I think it's very sad when people get all suspicious about a friendship just because one person has a different set of genitals than another, but in this case I'd be getting a bit edgy.

I do think your husband needs to wise up to what's going on because I think she's deliberately trying to set you on edge. How to get him to wise up? Uh, I hope someone else has some good ideas here ...

Agree with what stripy said about a "dog marking it's territory" on FB.

I was going to say what if you sat down with Dh and told him look, Im not keen on this woman, but you kind of already have made your feelings clear in the past when you told him to cut contact.

They are both responsible for making you feel insecure.