Anyone read the times article about how to save your marriage from divorce ?

[kittensinmydinner]

Very briefly, the long and short of it is ... Young children take their toll on a marriage. The 'modern' way of child centred parenting puts too much focus on the children, leading the main carer to stop putting effort into their relationship and the other spouse - working outside the home- to feel pushed out and unloved. (All the love and attention being focussed on the dcs) this leads to resentment from both parties, -Sahp feeling the other doesn't appreciate how hard child caring is, the other feeling they don't matter. Resentment builds until it goes bang - usually but not exclusively with the working parent seeking outside interests to fill the void. The solution. - a la 1950 to put the kids to bed at 7, brush your hair, have dinner ready, bit of lippy ( I'm guessing for the sahm - but who knows) and spend the evening being a spouse not a parent... The philosophy being that by putting your spouses needs before dcs you create a solid foundation for family and happier dcs. Thoughts ladies. Have we gone to far in child centred parenting or is this the holy grail of happy families. ?

agree with AuntieStella GOING OUT is ace together. I am always on here how many people don't.

But even WITH teens, you can't go out every night. You need to be able to connect even with teens everywhere and driving them around all hours of the evening

No shit sherlock, you'd wonder why it takes so long for people to cotton on wouldn't you.

I don't think its a sahp issue though and hear and read about resentment building up when both parents work.
If you have a sahp who does most stuff during the day, and a dh who does his fair share, kids in bed and your time is your own.
The problems come when you let the dc dictate how you live your lives.

Well said morethan that's it in a nutshell.solid foundation, the rest follows.

or when you have kids who have lots of hobbies and that naturally takes up a lot of your time. It happens very fast!

But what about your own life? If you're knocking yourself out with all this cherishing and bomb-proofing you've got no time for seeing your friends or doing stuff you enjoy independently. I'm with AF, really, I think

i think its reciprocated. I gad about as i want, never ( like so many onhere) banned from going out with men, from doing as I please. Just trust and kindness

It can work that way. Its a shame social media has fucked the talking bit after dinner up so it will never be like 1950's style thanks to facebook and twitter.

unless you do that cringey couples twitter thing

ooh @hubby1 bring me a cuppa Hun

ooh ok @wifeywoo i lubs you #bestmarriageever

'In Europe, children go to bed much later and spend the evening as part of the family. I don't see it makes much difference to their divorce rates.'

This. My family is of Mexican origin and were shocked by this idea of putting the kids to bed stupidly early and not eating together as a family. Then parents moan that the kids wake up at 5am. No shit.

And really, there's nothing actually wrong with realising your relationship has run its course anyway. There's a point where Fighting For Your Marriage is just horrid for everyone. Including the poor bloody kids.

expat, sadly I tried putting s1 to bed later. Still woke at 5am
in fact he was about 14 before he slept past 6!!

Even if you have kids that have a lot of hobbies its possible to make time for each other though, if you keep the kettle boiling during the week and then maybe get together for longer at the weekend.

I think it is especially difficult when the dc are little though and both parents are knackered. It can take a lot of effort and forward planning to just grasp an hour together, but imo its always worth it and important to your relationship.

I also think its important to understand that there are various phases and grasping an hour when they are little is nothing to the time you have when they are teens, even if you drive them around to hobbies.

yes, it is. You just have to watch out for passing like ships in the night. Specially if you have more than 2

My 5 and 9yr olds go to sleep at 9 and 9.30 respectively. Both are awake at 6 and 7 am respectively. They need very little sleep. If I put them to sleep at 7 the buggers would be up at 4/5am in the morning. I doubt that would be very good for my marriage or my sanity.

Kids to bed by 7pm = kids up by 5am. I don't think that would be any good for my marriage!

I suppose: "achieve mutual respect, an equal division of labour, equal leisure time and plenty of sleep" didn't quite meet the word count

The writer of that feature has made a bit of a career out of writing about her marriage troubles- including how their previous au pair ( so plenty of help at home) made a play for her DH. She has discussed all of this in the Daily Fail before .........

Don't forget these features are 'sexed up' to get a response.

What happens when you both work?
I work evenings 3 days a week a few hours on a Saturday (I'm a teacher and have a lot of paperwork I need to bring home). It's my job that's killing our time together rather than the kids normally.
Although, right now we have a two month old with reflux and colic, who doesn't go over til about midnight for the night so putting her to bed at 7 isn't really an option at the moment.
It's all very cut and dry in the article but dd1 won't go down til 8ish or she's up at 5am. It has no room for individual circumstances like working hours not being 9-5 and assumes one parent stays at home.

I'm also more likely to take marriage guidance advice from those who had a long and happy marriage.

The writer is Lisa Brinkworth. She makes alving out of washing her dirty laundry in public.

I think a mature man shouldn't need to come first in a family, nor the parent's relationship be more important than other family connections.

I'd say aim for everyone in the family to be equally loved, considered, and cared for, and as Stephen Covey (7 habits of effective families) says everyone should be spending time with everyone else in different combinations - the stronger each of the relationships the stronger the family as a whole.

But a bit of leisure time after DC are in bed is great - seems we've evolved for children to need those couple more hours sleep than adults. So yes, have a routine (good luck with that!) and make the most of it to catch up with one another - and watch the evening telly! Our DC were quite content with an 8 O'clock bedtime for many years through primary years - didn't quite manage 7 - and anyway nice to have an evening balance of family time first

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/aug/03/my-peter-pan-husband-growing-up

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2250734/Now-Im-mother-women-think-husband-fair-game.html

Thinks nothing of talking about it all.

Juggling

I have read that too, its good.

I think its important to make the effort for each other once in a while and believe this is why so many marriages fail.

There are bound to be times when it is difficult but communication and closeness don't need a full night or day to achieve.
Being in one anothers company just for a short while makes the other partner know you care and can be bothered to put them first sometimes.

I don't agree that dc always come first, sometimes its more important to put your partner or even an extended family member first, its about balance and cherishing relationships.

If you read her other features, the marriage is one long series of relationship issues. How playing it out in public helps, beats me.

Obviously someone forgot to send the memo to my sahd ex.

I'm sure he'd have put some lippy too.