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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What happens when it goes wrong with OW?

107 replies

NobleLocks · 10/04/2015 18:00

It appears it's all gone wrong with my exp and ow after he left me three years ago for a woman I knew.

I feel quite torn tbh, we have a gorgeous 2.5 year old, but I ended up taking him to court for contact when she was 10 weeks old. We tried several times to make it work but unbeknown to me he was still seeing her.

Things have been strained, we have been fully off now for 2 years. I'm stronger, and I'm not one for being arogant but I've come a long way. From being suicidal to having a lovely dd, car, house and I'm a student nurse.

He however has achieved very little.

I don't know who broke up with who, and I suspect it's run it's course.
I did suspect for about 6 months something was going on and we have been getting on very very well so I asked him outright.

What I guess I'm posting to ask is if anyone has experience of this? Do they try and come back? Does it work?

I know what I should do but nearly three years have past (don't keep dates) and I still love him with all of me.

OP posts:

Original poster

NobleLocks · 10/04/2015 18:01

He finished it when I had just found out I was nearly 6 months pg, and me and dd moved back to family home 2 hours away

OP posts:

base9 · 10/04/2015 18:06

He left you while you while you were pregnant. Please keep repeating that to yourself. O you lovely, hardworking woman who has bounced back so incredibly, you do not need this wanker in your life. Have you been able to get any counselling? It must have been a very tough road.

Mouthfulofquiz · 10/04/2015 18:07

I agree with base9. A lot.

jonrotten · 10/04/2015 18:08

He left when you were pregnant with his child.

It takes a special kind of shit to do that.

It sounds as though your live has moved on brilliantly - keep it that way!

MaryWestmacott · 10/04/2015 18:08

OP - he picked her over you, if he comes back now, it's because he can't have her anymore, and you will still be the "runners up prize". Better to be someone else's gold medal, than know he's only with you because he can't be with the woman he considered 'better' and always fearing that he could leave again at any moment when "something better" comes along.

It sounds like you've moved on with your life. Well done, don't let him drag you back. carry on as you are, find someone who will want to be with you because you are the one they want to be with, not because they can't have the one they want to be with.

Quitelikely · 10/04/2015 18:08

Please tell me you aren't thinking of going back for more?

With all due respect if you weren't the girl for him then you won't be now.

Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

And I mean what I say kindly.

Original poster

NobleLocks · 10/04/2015 18:08

I have had some counselling, but I hate remembering it tbh.
I'm wondering if I feel this way as in three years I've not met anyone else. I've tried and I can't, as I am aware in not over him.
I even went to a medium for closure, and even she told me I'm nuts for still loving him and to wait.

I suppose it's irrelevant he's not even asked to come back

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 10/04/2015 18:10

Please don't even consider taking him back

you are better off alone

base9 · 10/04/2015 18:14

You have a toddler and are a student nurse and negotiated a huge house move. I am impressed if you can brush your hair in the morning, let alone find a new man. Give your poor self some time! If friends and family can help with childcare, maybe you can start looking around a bit?

Original poster

NobleLocks · 10/04/2015 18:14

I know, my family would disown me.

I guess he hasn't asked yet, I just need to insulate myself

OP posts:

JohnFarleysRuskin · 10/04/2015 18:17

Oh god I hope you don't go back to him.

Original poster

NobleLocks · 10/04/2015 18:20

I'm not planning on it.
It's just very hard when it's all you've wanted for 3 years and just when it goes away BANG they split up

OP posts:

Snowflake15 · 10/04/2015 18:21

You are worth so much more than a waste of space prick who leaves you at your most vulnerable, takes you to court over the child HE left and then comes crawling back. You have shown extraordinary strength to come from the bottom (where HE put you!) and manage to become a successful independent woman!

Please don't go back to him! Even if he replies to the Facebook message don't respond again, he's not even worth that

Twiggy71 · 10/04/2015 18:22

Please don't even think of being with him again especially now you've gotten on with yours and dd's life..

expatinscotland · 10/04/2015 18:23

What base said. Repeat.

lastlines · 10/04/2015 18:25

Listen to Base9.

Ask yourself if you'd advise your worst enemy to get back together with a shitty lowlife who dumps a pregnant woman and has no sense of responsibility towards his unborn child just because his better offer had packed up. My guess is you're too nice to wish that even on your worst enemy so why inflict it on yourself?

You have come a long way. Keep heading up and leave the way clear for a man with morals, kindness and respect to replace him.

Whenever you see him, however charming he is, remind yourself that he was the one who shat on you and your tiny baby when you needed him most. Still want him? If you do, get therapy.

lastlines · 10/04/2015 18:32

Have you asked yourself why you still want him and what it is about him that you want so much? is it the shitty unreliability? The gross narcissism and selfishness? The way he makes you feel second best? Why does this man appeal?
On your own you have managed to raise a child, retrain in your career, sort out a home and a car. He will drain that focus and energy out of you. Trust me, men like him do.
There is nothing I despise more in the world than a man who walks out on a woman with a young child. he is barely worth your civility let alone your time, energy, emotions and heart.

Original poster

NobleLocks · 10/04/2015 18:34

I honestly wish I knew why I feel how I do, I can see it's ridiculous.

He hasn't even said he wants us yet, so I can't work out if it's worse if he still doesn't want us, or is that simply because he is ashamed

OP posts:

Weebirdie · 10/04/2015 18:36

Please don't have him back.

He's a cheat and it would appear he left you when you were pregnant.

You are doing so well. I think you're fabulous.

Please don't look back.

magoria · 10/04/2015 18:42

He will only come back to you until the next one comes along and then he will be off screwing you and DD over next time.

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/04/2015 18:43

What they ^ all said.

he is a dick.

Vivacia · 10/04/2015 18:43

Sweetheart, there's no indication that you are his second choice. Please, please, please don't give him the opportunity to treat you like crap again.

wobblebobblehat · 10/04/2015 18:43

No no no no no!

You are doing just fine without him, thank you very much. You also deserve the type of man who will not walk out on you when are you are pregnant for another woman. Remind yourself of this often and give him a very wide berth. No doubt in my mind that he will try his luck and he doesn't deserve a second chance.

We will all be very disappointed if you give this toad any head space.

handfulofcottonbuds · 10/04/2015 18:45

I'm stronger, and I'm not one for being arrogant but I've come a long way. From being suicidal to having a lovely dd, car, house and I'm a student nurse

You are amazing!

You have not only survived, you have thrived.

Insulate yourself as much as you need to but do not even consider feeling sorry for that man let alone take him back.

Original poster

NobleLocks · 10/04/2015 18:49

You've all been really kind tbh I was expecting a roasting

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