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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What happens when it goes wrong with OW?

107 replies

NobleLocks · 10/04/2015 18:00

It appears it's all gone wrong with my exp and ow after he left me three years ago for a woman I knew.

I feel quite torn tbh, we have a gorgeous 2.5 year old, but I ended up taking him to court for contact when she was 10 weeks old. We tried several times to make it work but unbeknown to me he was still seeing her.

Things have been strained, we have been fully off now for 2 years. I'm stronger, and I'm not one for being arogant but I've come a long way. From being suicidal to having a lovely dd, car, house and I'm a student nurse.

He however has achieved very little.

I don't know who broke up with who, and I suspect it's run it's course.
I did suspect for about 6 months something was going on and we have been getting on very very well so I asked him outright.

What I guess I'm posting to ask is if anyone has experience of this? Do they try and come back? Does it work?

I know what I should do but nearly three years have past (don't keep dates) and I still love him with all of me.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 10/04/2015 18:52

Look how successful you have become without him! Look what a disaster he is, you deserve way better and there will be lots of opportunities to meet decent single men in your new career.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 10/04/2015 18:59

Don't go back - you will be his rebound . He will ask you because it sounds like he has been doing the ground work. He will be off when someone else catches your eye. At the moment he probaly sees you as an easy bet.

It took me four years to get over someone once. I seen him a few years ago and he was bald and fat. His partner is not a patch on me and my DP is a million times the man my ex was.

Don't go back - you will meet some one fresh and new when the time is right .

Justusemyname · 10/04/2015 19:03

The only reason you should be thinking about how he hasn't asked to come back yet, is so you can plan how you will tell him to FOTFOSMWHGT.

handfulofcottonbuds · 10/04/2015 19:05

All you need to remember is one thing:

he doesn't deserve you

NoPsipsinaChocolateOrange · 10/04/2015 19:16

Oh I have been there, and was overjoyed when he called and said he was leaving her and asking if he could come round, though he didn't move in with us (said he was staying with a work friend).

Two, maybe three months later, when ds was only 18 months old, he was living with someone else that I didn't know about. They got married and he is still with her, 10 years later...he is a complete knob, and I understand that now and no longer love him but at the time I would have thrown myself on a level crossing to have him back. I felt totally destroyed.

Now I am so glad I can see that he was using me. Please be strong OP, you sound brilliant, and he is a coward who never loved you Flowers

NoPsipsinaChocolateOrange · 10/04/2015 19:18

..and mine never loved me, either. Actions, not words - Ok? He has shown this very clearly.

Original poster
NobleLocks · 10/04/2015 19:24

Thank you all.

Actions do speak louder than words I guess

OP posts:
NoPsipsinaChocolateOrange · 10/04/2015 19:30

Sorry, it must be very hard to bear. It has taken me this long to get over mine though life does go on with children, as you know.

I still get the heebie jeebies occasionally when he is acting super nice. Once you have loved someone a great deal, it is hard to stop. You just have to keep away from them as much as possible and make decisions using your head, not your heart. I never believed someone could be so bloody wonderful to me (sometimes) and at the same time be just using me.
However mine is treating ds with the same disdain and inconsistency and I have stopped access now as it is so painful to see ds letting him get away with it.
I hope he is kinder to your dd than he has been to you xx

Duckdeamon · 10/04/2015 19:34

It's more likely that he will choose a third woman, since he clearly can't handle real life.

"He hasn't even said he wants us yet". By "us" do you mean yourself and DD? Are you hoping that having rejected family life he will now choose it?

However he treated you in the past he still has the opportunity to be a good father. If he's not arsed about his DC either, that just makes him even more of a shit.

Vivacia · 10/04/2015 19:34

I wonder if this is more about wanting security and familiarity rather than actually him.

HazelBite · 10/04/2015 19:35

You have just said it OP "He hasn't even said he wants us yet"

I'm not being cruel but that says it all really, have some dignity OP, close that chapter of your life and don't attempt to re-open the book.

Duckdeamon · 10/04/2015 19:36

In terms of you getting on well, it'd be sensible to consider your boundaries with him, eg not spending time with him as you would a friend, having personal conversations, doing stuff together. Stick to discussions about parentinh and practicalities. He might well just be looking for ego boosts with you.

Original poster
NobleLocks · 10/04/2015 19:39

I think it is about security. And being on that shelf.

I have to say although it's a 5 hour round trip (to drop off dd) he's fantastic with her now she's a child not a baby. He does the same drive to bring her home

OP posts:
areyoubeingserviced · 10/04/2015 19:41

Please don't go back to him.
He left you when you were at your most vulnerable. Remember this when he attempts to worm his way back into your life.

Vivacia · 10/04/2015 19:42

Be very wary of being used for just sex.

toffeeboffin · 10/04/2015 19:42

Do not take him back. Finish your studies. You'll meet a great guy very soon Wink

springydaffs · 10/04/2015 19:55

Not just please, please, PLEASE, don't take him back but also please stop relating with him (re we're getting on well lately'). Don't 'get on with' him, keep your distance.

Darling, surely the 'shelf' is infinitely preferable than damaged, and damaging, goods. You need him like a hole in the head, don't sell yourself so short. Please!

Plus there's every likelihood he'd do it again

Original poster
NobleLocks · 10/04/2015 20:03

I just wish I knew who or what was waiting in my future

OP posts:
Vivacia · 10/04/2015 20:07

Why?

Original poster
NobleLocks · 10/04/2015 20:08

I just hate being sat here on my own.
I've tried dating Hmm

OP posts:
Vivacia · 10/04/2015 20:10

I guess in that case it could be pretty much what you want it to be. Would you like to change your social life a bit?

Original poster
NobleLocks · 10/04/2015 20:12

Tbh vivacia I have very little time and very little single friends where I live now.
I guess I could try going out with my best friend a bit more, in the next county when I don't have dd or work

OP posts:
mrscynical · 10/04/2015 20:13

Not knowing what's in the future is half the fun. It won't be fun if you take him back or rather let him know you would take him back.

areyoubeingserviced · 10/04/2015 20:15

Noble- you don't want your ex back, you are just lonely.

Vivacia · 10/04/2015 20:17

I agree with areyou, I think that this has just brought in to focus that you're at a stage to make some changes to your life.

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