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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What happens when it goes wrong with OW?

107 replies

NobleLocks · 10/04/2015 18:00

It appears it's all gone wrong with my exp and ow after he left me three years ago for a woman I knew.

I feel quite torn tbh, we have a gorgeous 2.5 year old, but I ended up taking him to court for contact when she was 10 weeks old. We tried several times to make it work but unbeknown to me he was still seeing her.

Things have been strained, we have been fully off now for 2 years. I'm stronger, and I'm not one for being arogant but I've come a long way. From being suicidal to having a lovely dd, car, house and I'm a student nurse.

He however has achieved very little.

I don't know who broke up with who, and I suspect it's run it's course.
I did suspect for about 6 months something was going on and we have been getting on very very well so I asked him outright.

What I guess I'm posting to ask is if anyone has experience of this? Do they try and come back? Does it work?

I know what I should do but nearly three years have past (don't keep dates) and I still love him with all of me.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/04/2015 20:18

Well, I could predict your future if you start back up with him again. ....

LittleBairn · 10/04/2015 20:21

Have you considered the relationship has ended because he's moved onto another woman?
It sounds like a reconciliation would be disastrous for your mental health not to mention deeply unsettling for your DD when he once again abandons you both.

Original poster
NobleLocks · 10/04/2015 20:30

That's true, it might not be me he's thinking of

Maybe I'll just keep looking after us

OP posts:
Phoenixashes · 10/04/2015 20:33

'You' looking after 'us' is the best solution. You deserve happiness.

I don't foresee this with ur ex twat

Cherryapple1 · 10/04/2015 20:40

You are wayyyy too good for him and his feckless ways!

I agree, you miss a relationship, but not him.

And you do a 5 hour trip to do drop offs? Erm why? I hope is paying you the correct child maintenance btw.

FeijoaSundae · 10/04/2015 20:41

Please don't take him back. It will your self-esteem no end of damage.

More than that, he will never respect you for taking him back. It would totally give him the green light to treat you with complete disdain. It's a road to unhappiness, and an awful model to provide to your daughter.

You both deserve so much better than this 'man'.

Imsosorryalan · 10/04/2015 20:42

Not sure if this has been added, but would you trust him again? If he's been capable of having an affair at your most vulnerable, would you not question if he could do it again? It wouldn't make for a great start if you were to be wondering where he is, when he's home late or who he was texting..

Well done you for making a success of your life. I think you've had good advice so far.

iwashappy · 10/04/2015 20:45

You have been through hell these last few years, all of which has been caused by him. But despite that you are now doing really well. He left you when you were pregnant and at your most vulnerable when you really needed him to support you, care for you and love you and be there for your daughter. Instead he abandoned you for another woman, forced you to go to court over your daughter and now that his wonderful new life hasn't worked out you think he might want to come back because you are now getting on well again.

You say that before you tried several times to make it work but he was still seeing her behind your back. Because this OW is no longer on the scene doesn't mean that it would now work. Would you trust him? Every time he was late back from work or you couldn't get hold of him would you not wonder what he was doing? You say that you want security but I fail to see how you would get it with your ex. He is not worthy of you or your trust.

You can still love someone but it doesn't mean that he will make you happy just because you love him. It is good that he now makes an effort with your daughter but that is the very least that any decent father will do.

If he does want you back it is because at the moment it suits him, just liked it suited him to abandon you when you were pregnant and like it might suit him in the future to find another OW.

You have done so well, don't give him the chance to hurt you again. He doesn't deserve that chance. But you deserve a wonderful future with someone who loves and cares for you and treats you well. Because you are single it doesn't mean that you would be happier with him as your partner again. It is better to be single and secure than with someone who doesn't treat you well.

Read your OP without your own emotions involved and read it objectively and ask what would you advise someone else and you will have your answer.

Because you haven't met anyone yet doesn't mean that you won't. It is far better to be single for a while longer and end up meeting someone who deserves you than to get back with someone who treated you and your daughter like shit. If he can abandon you when you were pregnant then he can leave you at anytime.

Original poster
NobleLocks · 10/04/2015 20:50

Thank you again

No I guess I wouldn't trust him, I know you are all right and if I'm honest with myself I don't think I could bring myelf to choose him.

The contact drive is court ordered

OP posts:
Ouchbloodyouch · 10/04/2015 21:13

I thought my ex maybe wanted to come back because he wanted to be friends and he 'missed my friendship' . I dreamt of him asking me back. But he didnt. Two weeks later I met someone I am really enjoying spending time with. Life can be very strange. I wouldn't say I was lonely. I just wanted to 'win' (he went off with OW) Blush

Original poster
NobleLocks · 11/04/2015 07:17

I feel like that ouch I want to 'win' except it's not winning at all

OP posts:
FloristryCommission · 11/04/2015 07:45

Imagine a man doing that to your DD; imagine how your family would feel, watching it happen to you again - because a leopard doesn't change its spots you know.

Be proud of what you've achieved and what a fantastic example you've set your daughter.

Ouchbloodyouch · 11/04/2015 07:49

No its not winning. We would be runners up. The booby prize. But you have won by turning your life into a better one.
If he does start sniffing round remind yourself that he is only doing so because his 'grass his greener' turned out to be full of moss.
I honestly wouldn't have taken up with my ex but I obsessed over his relationship failing and his contrition to the point where it was quite unhealthy. I do understand how you feel. It will pass. Wink

lastlines · 11/04/2015 07:59

Noble, being lonely is tough, and it can make us imagine we want things we really don't want at all. See your interest in him as nothing more than a warning sign that you need to make an effort to get out and meet someone.

I'd rather do all those clichéd tricks of joining a car maintenance or plumbing course than take back a self-centred arse.

LokisLover · 11/04/2015 08:02

It can be confusing when you've been on your own for so long. You just want to be part of a unit sometimes and have someone look after you, feel wanted and desired. I've been single for 5 years, it's taken me that long to get to a place where I want to meet someone for the right reasons.

I am on very good terms now with my ex, every once in a while that would confuse me because I'm having a hard week or feeling lonely and any attention can seem better than none. That's natural. But to go back would be a hideous mistake because of all the reasons we split in the first place.

You don't need him in your life, it's ok to question it and work out why you may feel like you do. In fact it's good as it helps you work out how you really feel.

I expect you have a lovely home, your DD is happy, you are independent and I'm sure these are things you have waited and worked for for a long time. You are worth so much more, although I don't know how much you believe that. But this is not the man for you.

Weebirdie · 11/04/2015 08:04

Re the 'winning' aspect of things.

Any person winning this prize specimen would only be winning the booby prize.

Original poster
NobleLocks · 11/04/2015 08:06

It does make me wonder if I come across as desperate when I do go on date Confused

It is totally never ending, I wish it was. 3 years on I didn't expect it to be like this.

OP posts:
NoPsipsinaChocolateOrange · 11/04/2015 09:04

You're in a really good position having a job, as that is how most people meet their partner, through work. So all is definitely not lost.

mikulkin · 11/04/2015 09:07

I am going to go against the flow and say, don't plan much what you will or won't do and go with your heart. Just remember who you are and what you have achieved in such a short time, be proud of yourself and don't let anybody treat you in a way you don't deserve to be treated.

Original poster
NobleLocks · 11/04/2015 09:23

It's all irrelevant really since he hasn't actually said anything?
It would be really silly for me to say anything at the risk of looking stupid, or getting it thrown in my face and looking completely open to attack sol of which I'm trying to avoid

OP posts:
newstart15 · 11/04/2015 09:27

You may feel love for him but he's unlikely to be capable of the love you need and deserve.Just keeping saying to yourself "I deserve better". I had a charming ex who I cared deeply for however he had many issues that meant he couldn't commit to anyone.I deserved better and I could not fix him.

I think you need to be free from the thoughts of your ex as it makes moving on impossible.You will meet someone, trust that this will happen.You are doing so well and should be proud of your achievements.Once you believe it your confidence will shine through and there is nothing more attractive than quiet inner confidence.Good Luck

Original poster
NobleLocks · 11/04/2015 09:31

Ah see I think that's a major downfall of mine. I struggle with confidence in myself and my achievements.
I therefore downplay my achievements and look like an attention seeker.
I think that stems from xp being quite arogant. There's a fine line between confidence and arrogance and I get most things in life wrong so stay clear!

OP posts:
binspin · 11/04/2015 09:36

As a student nurse you have your life ahead of you.
What happens when he does it again? How many times will you take him back?
Think not just yourself but of your child, can you put her through what you went through?

JustJanice · 11/04/2015 09:44

Do you want to be a strong, professional woman? Or some drippy sap who spends her time mooning over a man who doesn't deserve her and wasting money on fortune tellers Hmm

Why on EARTH would you go back to someone capable of what he did to you? Wake up.

shirleybasseyslovechild · 11/04/2015 09:44

OP you sound like a lovely tender hearted woman.
Well done on all you have worked so hard to achieve .

is he giving any cues at all that he wants to get back together ?