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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What happens when it goes wrong with OW?

107 replies

NobleLocks · 10/04/2015 18:00

It appears it's all gone wrong with my exp and ow after he left me three years ago for a woman I knew.

I feel quite torn tbh, we have a gorgeous 2.5 year old, but I ended up taking him to court for contact when she was 10 weeks old. We tried several times to make it work but unbeknown to me he was still seeing her.

Things have been strained, we have been fully off now for 2 years. I'm stronger, and I'm not one for being arogant but I've come a long way. From being suicidal to having a lovely dd, car, house and I'm a student nurse.

He however has achieved very little.

I don't know who broke up with who, and I suspect it's run it's course.
I did suspect for about 6 months something was going on and we have been getting on very very well so I asked him outright.

What I guess I'm posting to ask is if anyone has experience of this? Do they try and come back? Does it work?

I know what I should do but nearly three years have past (don't keep dates) and I still love him with all of me.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 11/04/2015 09:45

Don't mistake familiarity for security. This familiar person has proved he can't offer security. When you find yourself in the fire, there's absolutely no point in climbing back into the frying pan. Get right away from the stove!

I wonder if maybe, when you're dating, you're always on the lookout for the next life partner rather than just enjoying a pleasant evening of male company? That will not only scare prospective suitors off, it'll scare you. No wonder no-one measures up, because you're holding the yardstick of what the last husband and father looked like (well, the good bits at least) to someone who is a completely different human being. If you just think of it as a date, to repeat if enjoyed by both parties, you give the poor sod a chance to show his own qualities. If they're quite different from the ex's, that's probably a good thing! There are plenty of lovely men but you don't have to get together permanently with any one of them right now.

Original poster
NobleLocks · 11/04/2015 09:51

I know your all totally right that's what's fustrating. I'm not planning in going back to him. I'm aware 'family' would be used against me if I said no.

Shirley 'no clues other than his nice ness

OP posts:
lastlines · 11/04/2015 10:02

The very least he should be is nice to you. You are the mother of his child. To get you back after what he did to you, he should be crawling on his belly through mud and kissing your feet, renovating your house, nursing you 24/7 if you so much as have a temperature, helping you revise for all your student nurse exams, writing you award winning love poems, remembering your family's birthdays unprompted and whisking you and your daughter off to the Caribbean for a fortnight. Oh and he should get therapy so he can face up to what a slimeball he was to walk out when he did, and fully admit his immaturity and selfishness and apologise profusely for it. That's the minimum that might allow you to possibly reconsider him if he continues to behave.

Being a bit nice? Driving a couple of hours to see his own daughter who he abandoned? Waaaayyyy not enough.

Don't behave like a kicked dog. It doesn't bring you happiness or love and respect.

newnamesamegame · 11/04/2015 20:39

Noble for what its worth I was talking to a friend this week who is a single mum who has been in a similar position to you (i.e. partner left when she was PG, not for an OW but for very selfish reasons, and basically vanished for 3/4 years, is now trying to worm his way back into her affections and into the family set-up.)

She was initially mildly tempted but has come to her senses. But her take on it was this if you bring up a kid from small babyhood alone its obviously hard work and challenging and you have very little personal and private life its very hard to have another relationship or much of a social life unless you have shedloads of money. So you move on much more slowly than you would after a normal relationship break-up because there's very little opportunity for any of the other distractions you would have.

She said remembering this has really helped her not go back to him and she has stuck to it and he has now slung his hook with tail between legs.

It sounds like you are a tough, resourceful person who has made the absolute best out of a bad situation. Don't even think about screwing that up for him. It would be the worst thing you could do for yourself and your DC.

MissMogwi · 11/04/2015 20:59

You sound like you have a great life and are doing a fab job bringing up your little DD.

Having, like many others, been left with young children for another woman, I can totally understand where you're coming from.

I was single for about 8 years when my ex left, give or take the odd date. I stupidly slept with my ex a few times in the beginning as he was 'sad' or 'confused'. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking as he was blatantly using me. I was left a broken heap of a woman.

Cut to a few years down the line, I had graduated, had a lovely home, gorgeous DD's and a lovely life. When the ex came sniffing round, I told him to piss off, he has no part in my shiny, happy life and neither does your ex in yours.

I met someone through work, and as I was in a good place, it worked out. A proper, grown up, equal relationship and mutual respect.

He doesn't deserve you, don't let him
Back in your head or heart.

Original poster
NobleLocks · 12/04/2015 07:15

You all speak so much sense, and I can see it totally.

OP posts:
ReallyNot · 12/04/2015 08:52

My XP left me for OW and they are playing happy families and all is rosy. I would love him to tell me he had split up with OW and wanted me back. I'd love it; just love it.

And then I would tell him to fuck off.

ALaughAMinute · 12/04/2015 09:21

Wake up and smell the coffee! He's a shit and you are well rid of him!

One day you will meet a man who loves you and won't let you down. Don't settle for anything less.

MatildaTheCat · 12/04/2015 09:35

OP, up thread you said you cannot bear to remember the bad times when he left and all the terrible things that happened. You need to remember them. Write them down and learn them by heart. Then write in block capitals underneath, NEVER AGAIN

You don't need him. He's not nice. Repeat.

And btw Flowers for doing so well. Keep looking forward never backwards. And remember the adage, be careful what you wish for.

Original poster
NobleLocks · 12/04/2015 12:32

I do wonder sometimes if there is exceptions, like where it had worked out?

Please note I am not softening

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/04/2015 12:43

You are softening

don't kid yourself

MissMogwi · 12/04/2015 12:45

It won't work out. You will end up the one who is hurt whilst he waltzes back to his gf or some other poor woman.

RubbishMantra · 12/04/2015 13:50

Not sure if it's been suggested already, but doing the Freedom Programme could be good for you. It's not just for domestic abuse survivors. It's for all women who've been treated like shite by an ex partner. Those who've been emotionally abused. There'll be a programme in your area, but if you haven't the time, (which as a single parent and training to nurse I expect you don't have much of) you can do it online.

I read that you've had counselling. How many sessions? Was it the standard 6 - 12 sessions of CBT via your GP? I think it would be great for you to seek more counselling. Help you understand your feelings of grief and come to terms with the end of your relationship with this wanker man. Ask your counsellor to help you to work on your self-esteem, boundaries and assertiveness.

Look at your life now - independent, career, parent. Much better than 6 months pregnant abandoned and feeling as if you wanted to die. Please don't let him cause you to feel like that again. Hold your chin up love. You have so much to be proud of. Don't let him grind you down again.

lastlines · 12/04/2015 15:54

You deserve what MissMogwi has. That's also what you really want. A good relationship with a great man, which he has proved he isn't.

Original poster
NobleLocks · 12/04/2015 20:11

He doesn't want me back anyway so it's irrelevant

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/04/2015 20:23

have you asked him ? (I don't recommend it, btw)

Original poster
NobleLocks · 12/04/2015 20:27

Oh no he just came out and told me

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/04/2015 20:32

well, look on that as a mercy Thanks

now you know where you stand

Justusemyname · 13/04/2015 07:42

I'm not sure if you're trying to convince us or yourself. It comes across as a 100% certainty that you would take him back if he did the bare minimum. A hug and he's inSad.

lastlines · 13/04/2015 07:56

Thank God he doesn't. Now you can focus on all the amazing things you've achieved since he knobbed off, and you can sort your heart out to be free for someone worth having.

In case you haven't worked this out already: just because he doesn't want you doesn't mean you're not worthy of his or anyone else's love. It's not because you're not good enough for him, or his standards are amazingly high. Lowlifes feel very uncomfortable around people who are emotionally and morally better than them.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 13/04/2015 07:59

I think he let you know that as reverse phycology and it is working.

Move on love and see what type of bloke he is and why you are better off with out him and why your kid kids are better off not seeing his poor treatment of you.

What kind of nursing are you going in to? I'm in hospital now and the nurses have been Angels. Honestly they have really made a difference so you training to be one is invaluable. Be mega proud of your achievements. Flowers

Original poster
NobleLocks · 13/04/2015 10:25

I think it's because I haven't met anyone else tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
NobleLocks · 13/04/2015 10:25

I will be an adult nurse Smile

OP posts:
Joyfulldeathsquad · 13/04/2015 11:12

you will some one. It took me 17 years to meet DP and I knew him along I just didn't think he was my type and only went out on a 'date' as I was pissed off/bored. He is the best thing that happened to me apart from my kids (we have a dd together)

It will fall in to place when it's ready and you can't meet the specail person if your pissing about or hankering after a tried and tested failure of an ex.

It is hard and I've been lonely and that's when I've made my worst mistakes.

You've got loads going on at the moment focus on that. Honestly if you get back with him it will be like putting on
a old pair of baggy tights Sad

Inertia · 13/04/2015 11:37

Of course he is telling you he doesn't want you back- for some unknown reason he thinks he's worthy of you and your daughter, but is taking the opportunity to knock your confidence so that you don't feel ready to move on. He is so arrogant that he genuinely believes that the only thing stopping you keeping your hands off him is his unavailability.

He is not fit to clean your boots. He left you while you were pregnant with his child.

You are strong, motivated, hard-working, and a great parent. You've been busy taking care of your child, studying for a career and moving house- that doesn't leave much time for meeting someone new! Your Ex has probably dumped OW because the next shiny gullible fool has caught his eye- fortunately you are too smart to get involved.