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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this fair (access)

161 replies

Marmaladedandelions · 08/04/2015 06:51

STBXH is moving. He has a job and a house (though the sale hasn't gone through yet) about an hour and a half/two hours from where we live.

I don't want him having unsupervised contact with the children, who are eight years old and nearly a year old. There's also a second baby girl on the way.

Last week I went up there. He took the eight year old on a day out while I was in the building which I was fine with, and we all went out for something to eat.

I have suggested this on a weekly basis. He has said he wants twice a week. I think a 2 hour drive is too much twice a week. In all honesty I don't want him in my house so it would mean going somewhere mid-week and doing something after school which seems like a lot for the eight year old. Then, DH would either have to drive back or stay over in a hotel or similar and I'm worried about him putting pressure on me to let him stay.

So, I suppose what I'm asking is - is once a week fair? I am flexible when it's school holidays by the way.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 09/04/2015 23:44

Not trying to heckle.

nhs counselling is free. Mine was a lifesaver.

Better yes to be sent to trained foster parents than an abusive biological paRent...

You can but ask someone . A teacher might not mind couple hours paid babysitting.

I will shut up now... promise.

PeruvianFoodLover · 09/04/2015 23:46

All I'm saying is, I don't know if he's a danger to them or not. But I can't take that chance knowing what I know.

You're not expected to know if he's a risk. As you have said, he's damaged and needs professional assessment - that's why there are professionals who are trained and experienced.
If you tell someone else what you know, then steps will be put in place to ensure that before your ex has unsupervised contact with your DDs, the risk of what you fear is mimimised. For instance, if you fear that he will rape your DDs as he did you, then any assessment will focus on that. Has he shown any sexual interest in them? Has he threatened to sexually assault them? On what grounds do you fear that he will sexually assault a child?

You, and only you, have the information that will provide your girls with protection from the danger that you fear they will be in. In the event of an unexpected complication with your pregnancy or birth that hospitalises you, and makes you unable to care for them for more than a few hours, he will be contacted, encouraged to take them home with him and no one will understand the risk, because you haven't told anyone.

Ratfinkandbobo · 09/04/2015 23:51

That's very true Peruvian, hospital social services will contact him to take the children, I know someone this happened to, but her ex wasn't abusive like OP's. It is worrying from a safeguarding perspective. No one in RL seems to have a clue about any of this.

PeruvianFoodLover · 09/04/2015 23:52

....and to add, if you plan on leaving the DCs in a friends care while you give birth, then their dad could, quite legally, remove them from her care - and as a teacher, she would not only know that, but be far more likely to comply.

A court order could prevent that happening.

Original poster

Marmaladedandelions · 10/04/2015 08:35

But he wouldn't, because he knows what I know and he won't want that being made public. It isn't just that, no, he hasn't done what you said above and it wasn't proper rape really. My daughter isn't even one yet. Don't say that, please.

OP posts:

PeruvianFoodLover · 10/04/2015 08:42

Ok, OP, I'm going to leave it there, as I'm obviously upsetting you. I hope it works out for your DCs, whatever you decide to do.

TeapotDictator · 10/04/2015 08:53

OP at base line you are posting on here because you want people to tell you whether or not the contact you are suggesting is reasonable.

What people are trying to tell you is that it is not going to work because from what you say, your husband is unreasonable. It's like negotiating with terrorists (I speak from experience). You are also colluding with him if you both are thinking "we'll work together because we don't want outside agencies to know our dark secrets" - even though you are not the perpetrator of those secrets.

From what you say, it doesn't sound as though involving SS is necessary at the moment. However, I don't understand why you are negotiating directly with him regarding contact, particularly if you have a solicitor. In your position (as I have been) I would be discussing with my solicitor exactly how you propose contact to work moving forwards, and sending a letter setting this out. If you believe that it is in the children's best interests to continue contact but only in a supervised capacity, then why don't you set that out, and send it to him? Honestly, what is the point of asking people on here what we think? (I don't say that to be harsh, but it's irrelevant what we think because you are not dealing with a reasonable person.) I think it has already been suggested on here that if you do this and he is not happy with the terms, then he can take you to court. You don't think he will do this because he won't want agencies to find out about his behaviour - if that is the case then so be it - but I really think you should be discussing this with your solicitor and any other agencies that you feel would be beneficial, particularly Women's Aid.

I think you need to start being a bit more realistic, and start detaching from him as best you can. And no fears about what any of this says about you - like others have attested, this is not something that only happens to certain types of families. Prior to separation my H was earning £250k a year, he's seen to it that we've had to survive pretty much on benefits plus an income I have from a property (check out your situation re. tax credits, it didn't stop me receiving them). I still couldn't be happier that I'm out of the relationship. :)

Original poster

Marmaladedandelions · 10/04/2015 08:57

No, I accept all that. Thank you. It's just a bit of a shock sometimes seeing stuff written down.

OP posts:

youarekiddingme · 10/04/2015 09:13

I really think you need to seek support for why you think you are equally to blame for being abused?

Ok, I get you blame yourself for staying - but one of the biggest results of abuse is lowered self esteem which makes leaving harder.

You left you H after he raped you. I don't see how anyone can think you are equally responsible.

But I can see why your being encouraged to get official contact set up. I'd be very concerned about how you sustain supervised contact for the next - at least 10-12 years.

Be kind to yourself - see that you left and you do have the children's best interests at heart. But remember you are also entitled to an opinion.

Original poster

Marmaladedandelions · 10/04/2015 09:17

Thank you. It wasn't rape as such and it wasn't really that. More a culmination of stuff. I think the biggest issue really is knowing what he was capable of I still had children with him.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 10/04/2015 15:34

move only forwards not backwards. but - "knowing what he is capable of" means accepting this could all happen again. so protect yourself protect your DC from now on.

you do not have to collude with him to cover up "keep it in the family" what happened previously.

if you have concerns for your dc being with him then you need to report what happened. tell someone . tell them everything and your concerns.

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