Is this fair (access)

[Marmaladedandelions]

STBXH is moving. He has a job and a house (though the sale hasn't gone through yet) about an hour and a half/two hours from where we live.

I don't want him having unsupervised contact with the children, who are eight years old and nearly a year old. There's also a second baby girl on the way.

Last week I went up there. He took the eight year old on a day out while I was in the building which I was fine with, and we all went out for something to eat.

I have suggested this on a weekly basis. He has said he wants twice a week. I think a 2 hour drive is too much twice a week. In all honesty I don't want him in my house so it would mean going somewhere mid-week and doing something after school which seems like a lot for the eight year old. Then, DH would either have to drive back or stay over in a hotel or similar and I'm worried about him putting pressure on me to let him stay.

So, I suppose what I'm asking is - is once a week fair? I am flexible when it's school holidays by the way.

What fanny said too. All four of my dcs had child in need plans (a chin plan) and it really wasn't a big deal. Their schools were notified (but I had already had very frank discussions with both schools as they all needed considerable emotional support). Our Dr was notified. The only other time that I had to mention it was when ds2 had to visit a&e with a suspected fractured foot. So there was no stigma at all. In fact quite the reverse - it meant that they jumped to the top of the queue for counselling etc.

It really won't be as bad as you expect, I'm convinced of that xx

Thanks - not sure really. I'll have a think x

Oh darling, but I'm frightfully middle class too

Nice house. Mercedes on the drive. All that crap. When I mentioned it at a&e the Dr looked at me and said 'are you sure?'

There's no such thing as a SS kind of family. You need help. They can help. I'm the nicest possible way - get over yourself

You have really made me giggle there so thank you! Yes I probably do need to get over myself

*in the nicest possible way. Stupid auto correct.

Without going into my childhood. We weren't what you want to call one of those families. My Dad was a MD of his own company so all the wealth to be seen.. My childhood would of been so different if someone went to SS about what was going on.

Abuse, neglect, DV is not just for the poor it is something that affects all walks of life. I can tell you I have grown up without any interest in material wealth as it was all pointless due to the childhood I had.

Oh I know it isn't just for the poor. Just the same I do inwardly shudder and balk at SS getting involved. However, it isn't just that. The point is, STBXH has gone and won't be coming back.

I've made HUGE steps lately to make things safe and hopefully happy for us. I took the children to Ireland on holiday to see an old friend and meet her family and we had a brilliant time. I've got two people in my life now who can help, and that's two more than last week :) I'm still struggling with my pregnancy but the sickness isn't as bad, I have someone to have the children when I go into labour, am talking with girls to be an au pair to give me a bit of help. That sort of thing. I suppose I feel the worst is behind us now?

It's lovely to hear you sounding so positive and I don't want to bring you down but I suppose I feel the need for a note of caution. These 'clever thugs' rarely give in without a fight. He may not ever lay a finger on you again but he is likely to continue abusing you in any way he can

I'm over two and a half years down the line. The direct abuse of me stopped once I cut virtually every mode of contact. The abuse (emotionally) of our dcs continues as I type. The financial abuse continues - although I expect judgement any day now. Gradually each avenue is closing to him and I think eventually he will just move on to someone else, though I keep my guard up for a last minute blaze of glory kinda thing.

But don't forget - for these men, it isn't over until they say it is. Mine doesn't recognise our impending divorce, no he's going to wait for me 'as long as it takes'. Even our last SW said to me that my ex hadn't 'finished' with me yet

I guess what I'm trying to say is that ANY help you can get in building your boundaries is going to be invaluable.

And - ending positively - even though life can still be a battle, even though I still have to undo the damage he does each time the dcs visit him, even though I wonder 'what next?' life is still so very much better. I wake up each morning without fear in my mouth, without dead in my stomach. Life, with all it's challenges and difficulties, is bloody brilliant

Thank you. Those words are very wise and I shall certainly heed them. I am very worried about the divorce dragging out and about losing money as a result :(

I understand that. Our assets are totally in his control and in the year since the financial battle really began they've decreased by ~35% which has been very hard for me to stomach. However, I decided long ago that it was a small price for freedom. And actually, at our final hearing in Feb it seemed as though the judge thought I should be entitled to spousal maintenance which has left me potentially better off than I had thought.

You need excellent legal support to ensure that you get what you need. Don't skimp on this. Buy the best you can afford. If you're anywhere in the middle of the country I can highly recommend my barrister who has an excellent grasp of financial issues, abuse and has the added benefit that she made him look a complete dick in court. She was worth every penny for that alone!

Btw, that sentence above should read without dread in my stomach

Thank you. Am on English side of England/Welsh border.

I am hoping he will indeed look a dick.

Ok. Will pm you her details then as she is very excellent. You will only need a barrister if it gets to a final hearing but if you do, she's your woman!

Please please don't worry about SS involvement, you sound very similar to me (although you've been through worse than me) - I too went back and stayed far too long.

This time when I left, I reported it all to the police, to the courts. SS got involved as DD witnessed DV incidents. They were brilliant, so supportive of me and DD. Before I left they very gently, but very firmly, explained that me and the ex could not continue living together.

Once I left they backed right off - just helping to get a support team around DD and to provide evidence to the courts if needed.

I am also middle class :)

I'm all very new out of this, but it sounds exhausting doing all this on your own. I have support from SS, an IDVA and a named police contact. I know that the ex will have unsupervised contact eventually, but when he does I know - and he knows - that he will be being watched.

Well, I am still horrified at middle class me having SS involvement i am worried it could jeapordise STBXHs job too.

It's starting to get easier. It's just hard sometimes because I feel like I'm not even real myself. I miss my friends and my family so much.

Also and since this is my 'safe' place I am sick of snarky comments about being pregnant and having recently chucked out husband. It's clear some people think I'm some sort of sex maniac (ha.)

Sometimes I want to scream at it. He really, REALLY hurt me and had me so scared and was awful to me yet I'm in the wrong permanently somehow.

you need to focus what is worth you worrying about - and what isn't. Your ex's job is not your responsibility, it's his worry.

You are so not in the wrong. Care about the people who care about you. Everyone else can swivel ;)

Please do the freedom programme, you sound like you are still in the fog. You will find yourself again but you need to completely stop seeing him to do this.

I am more worried about if his job goes so does our financial security not for me but the children.

What is the freedom programme?

I do understand that but you might want to try and get some more independence from him (tax credits etc) as he doesn't sound like someone you can rely on.

This is the freedom programme: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ they often do them in children's centres to help with childcare but you can do it online too.

It's very, very tricky with tax credits: I own a total of three properties outright, one of which I live in. this is because my mum and dad had a house and my mum died when I was 15 and my dad lived in it.

I didn't know my dad had bought a flat with his lump sum from his pension (he was a headteacher) and also my mum had kept the house HER mum and dad, my granny and grandpa, had left her when THEY died.

When my dad died when I was 29, in 2011, the 3 properties were split between my brother and I. Then my brother died a few months after my dad. So everything went to me. So on paper I am very wealthy but it's tied up in property not actual cash.

As it is the flat and my mums house are let out, and we live in the farmhouse. Obviously we have no mortgage as a result which is nice and I have an income of £800 p/m from the two properties. With CB this means even without working I have £1000 a month. However DH earns close to three figures so he SHOULD contribute.

And thank you re freedom programme.

Gosh you have been through a lot.

Yes you're damn right he should contribute (and I would recommend going through child maintenance and not bothering with any arguments about it if you have to)

The good news is that you'll be ok, not wealthy, but ok if you had to go it completely alone.

Thank you it means such a lot you said that and not 'you're so lucky.' I am lucky in a way but I miss my family so much.

oh bless you, no amount of money can make up for losing the people you care about. You've done amazingly well to get to where you are after everything you've been through.

That's a lovely thing to say, thank you, although I don't feel amazing at all, but thank you

You poor love - of course you're not lucky. I'm so very grateful that my parents are alive and able and willing to help out both practically and financially.

I heartily endorse the freedom programme recommendations but also would suggest you get legal advice as a priority. Being so asset rich it's imperative that you get yourself protected. And yes also to the suggestion that you just go for maintenance through the CMS. My ex runs his own company and keeps his declared income artificially low to avoid paying more than the bare minimum in maintenance but without the CMS he'd be paying even less!

I think you are naive sending your ds off unsupervised skiing etc when you don't trust him behind closed doors. There are plenty of closed doors in public places such as in the toilets behind walls etc. People wont necessarily do anything if they witness abusive behaviour.

Also your ds has witnessed abuse but you are telling him it's ok to be alone with this person. Must be very confusing....

So either it is ok because without you in the picture you think ds is ok with him.
Which can happen.

Or its not ok because you don't trust him and you need to go down the formal route. Proper supervised contact then let judge decide...

Do the freedom programme.
get couselling for yourself.

Tell someone what happened eg a helpline Anonymously if you need to.

Supervising contact yourself is just not going to work. Like others I tried this and it was a huge mistake.

If you are sending ds off make sure door is open for him to tell you truthfully how he feels. Let him know he can tell you anything. Let him know he does not have to go. That there are other options to see dad but supervised.

It is not your responsibility to worry about your ex s standing if you go down formal route. By continuing a sort of relationship with him (in the sense that you are having to arrange this contact. Supervise. Be nearby etc ) you are allowing him a way back in to control you. It will creep up on you.