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Original poster

Is this fair (access)

161 replies

Marmaladedandelions · 08/04/2015 06:51

STBXH is moving. He has a job and a house (though the sale hasn't gone through yet) about an hour and a half/two hours from where we live.

I don't want him having unsupervised contact with the children, who are eight years old and nearly a year old. There's also a second baby girl on the way.

Last week I went up there. He took the eight year old on a day out while I was in the building which I was fine with, and we all went out for something to eat.

I have suggested this on a weekly basis. He has said he wants twice a week. I think a 2 hour drive is too much twice a week. In all honesty I don't want him in my house so it would mean going somewhere mid-week and doing something after school which seems like a lot for the eight year old. Then, DH would either have to drive back or stay over in a hotel or similar and I'm worried about him putting pressure on me to let him stay.

So, I suppose what I'm asking is - is once a week fair? I am flexible when it's school holidays by the way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 09/04/2015 22:13

Thank you. I've got a solicitor but I'll give the lawyer you PMd over a ring - I'm not too far from that neck of the woods at all and if she acted for you she will for me (distance wise I mean.) Husband was also lying about his earnings, oh and emptied the bank account when he left; he broke my phone as well.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 09/04/2015 22:17

Have you got a family therapist or child psychologist involved with your son ? Someone professional who can work with your ds on what he witnessed and how he feels about seeing dad and trust issues ?

Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 09/04/2015 22:17

No, not yet although it's a possibility certainly.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 09/04/2015 22:24

And ss don't contact employers as a matter of course. I.Ve had ss involved and they have not contacted employers of either myself or ex.

Unless your ex works directly with children etc but unless he charged with something it isn't going to cone up is it ?

PeruvianFoodLover · 09/04/2015 22:30

Is the support you have said your DS is getting now tailored to his specific needs? Do the professionals who he is seeing know what the circumstances are and that they are dealing with a child who has witnessed/been coerced into participating in violent domestic abuse?

If not, then if/when he discloses even a little of what you say he's experienced, they will be required to refer to SocServ; any service you are accessing for him should have explained that they cannot maintain confidentiality in those circumstances.

It will be so much easier and less intrusive on you and your son if you voluntarily refer to SocServ now. He'll get support specific to his needs, and won't be subject to intense questions about you; which may well happen if it is his disclosure, rather than you, who brings things out in the open.

TisILeclerc · 09/04/2015 22:31

I think she'll only work via a sol and only for court action. But if it goes that far (which it may well by the sounds of it) see if your sol will work with her.

weedinthepool · 09/04/2015 22:34

I completely understand the turmoil you are in. It sounds like we have had similar abusive experiences. H raped me and made me blame my DS for a black eye H gave me. I also went into a room our baby DD was in when he was hitting me, in order to try make him stop.

I work for children's social care, I train them(!!!) my work colleagues had to get involved with my case when I left (MARAC etc) it was incredibly difficult opening up to them but I had no choice because the police became involved. It really wasn't as bad as I thought. The manager of the child protection team (who again, I know!) had to basically tell me if I returned to him they would look at residential arrangements. But they didn't place any blame at my door. I had demonstrated that I was under extremely coercive pressure but I safeguarded the dc's when it mattered.

I too thought I could supervise contact, he just used it to further manipulate me. Now they go unsupervised but for a limited time. Give yourself time, it's very early days and you are doing well given the recent trauma. Please don't feel you were complicit in your abuse. Unless you were being equally abusive, both physically and emotionally towards your H, he has full responsibility for his behaviour.

Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 09/04/2015 22:39

Gosh, weed, how awful for you. Selfishly I am pleased it isn't just me in a way. It just feels like I as good as did it.

Tis thank you. Thank you so much. Hopefully it won't go too far.

FoodLover it's a possibility and I don't know just yet, I honestly don't know what I'll do.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 09/04/2015 22:59

Also re reading it seems that somehow you have forgotten what your ex did or feel that you have a hold over him by not brining it it into the open so he won't date do it again.
This is surely misguided. You need to cut contact completely no cozy "family" meals out . No hanging out near him. . You might think your ds understands but this looks like a rapprochement. your ds is surely confused. ...or you really do trust your ex enough around your ds. Be more aware. Get some advice before further contact.

If your ex was as abusive as you say _ and I believe you. - Then you need to stop being around him. let him take you to court for contact. Tell your solicitor everything.

You are letting him back into your life and you can be certain he will abuse you again especially when you vulnerable with a new baby. He is letting you think you are in control. He will pounce again.

Bullies don't change. And abusers can be charming as you know. use contact centres or third parties. You are not doing your dc any favours by facilitating contact in this way. Get professionals involved and font arrange any more trips. Use your pregnancy as an excuse not to drive.

Cut contact til you can arrange contact thru a third party or supervised by someone else.

Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 09/04/2015 23:01

It isn't because I want to create an illusion of cosiness, cest; it's because I don't really want him in my home, his is not currently suitable, pleasanter for everybody to be outside of the home.

The rest is a fair point.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 09/04/2015 23:05

What happened pvsly no one will blame you but you have the chance now to get legal advice and make a stand. From the outside it looks like you don't have concerns and are really happy to be around him. I know the desire to want to trust someone to do the right thing by their dc but it will only be a matter of time before you back in the cycle...unless something has really changed.

Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 09/04/2015 23:08

It's been very hard leaving. It shouldn't have been but it was. It's true I still love DH, I don't know why either, but I do and he does love me. But I won't be living with him. I love the DCs more.

OP posts:
Ratfinkandbobo · 09/04/2015 23:09

Make sure you make provision for your dcs legally.
If you die they will end up in his care automatically.
To protect them from that you need to make the relevant authorities know what he has done to you and that he is not safe to be alone with them. That is the reality.

Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 09/04/2015 23:11

But if I died and DH didnt have them they'd go into care, I don't know but I think the former might be better?

OP posts:
Ratfinkandbobo · 09/04/2015 23:13

Its just a consideration, as horrible as it may seem.

Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 09/04/2015 23:15

No; having lost both parents young I'm very conscious of it. It's just unfortunately there's no one to have the children at all.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 09/04/2015 23:18

I ve done what you have done. Allowed meals out together etc. Allowed ex to stay "for two weeks " to visit dc ...which turned into many weeks and he then refused to leave and I had to flee with dc in the end... ss were involved and supportive. Whatever we think it is for eg facilitating contact; others see it as you getting back together. Or it s nice to think that you in one of those ideal friendly breakups. Which just isn't possible if there has been abuse.

More recently I got safeguarding involved due to ex behaviour towards oldest dd. I let some boundaries slip. I regret that..

You are going to need a lot of strength and clear boundaries in next months and years. You say clearly he can't see dds unsupervised. you going to need professional support to implement this. And to tell all. And your ds is still v young too.

Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 09/04/2015 23:20

There has been abuse but not really of the children.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 09/04/2015 23:24

Your last post about it being better they go to him if you died does not squaRe with you saying he should not be around them unsupervised. It can't be both Ways. That makes no sense. Try and think of someone else.

I' ve named other guardians in will tho of course ex could contest that.

You really need to talk everything thru with someone in rl confidentially eg with a counsellor. And with your lawyer.

Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 09/04/2015 23:26

But I don't have any other guardians. All I'm saying is, I don't know if he's a danger to them or not. But I can't take that chance knowing what I know. I can't go to counselling as I always have the baby.

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cestlavielife · 09/04/2015 23:27

You said further up ds was involved somehow. ..anyway it could be that abuse only of you and he is deemed ok around his dc.

That does not tally with your op where you say he should not be around dds unsupervised. Get some real life advice where you can tell someone exactly what has happened.

cestlavielife · 09/04/2015 23:29

You have to get a childminder or someone to hold the baby. Or get an appt when she sleeps and can sleep in pushchair.

cestlavielife · 09/04/2015 23:32

You will need someone to watch the dc when you give birth. So that person now could be getting to know dd and you can use that time to talk to lawyers counsellors etc

Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 09/04/2015 23:36

Cest, you're heckling me now. Not fair.

If I died, the children's lives would be torn to pieces. Would it be better for them to stay with their father who is abusive in many ways but they know, or go into foster care. I don't know. That's something that needs thought.

Counselling is expensive and I am watching money carefully.

There is a difference between asking someone to stay with me for a couple of weeks when she's on holiday anyway (teacher) and insisting she comes on a weekly basis while I have counselling.

OP posts:
Ratfinkandbobo · 09/04/2015 23:44

Try this, sitters.co.uk
My friend uses them for when she has hospital appointments, recommends them.