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Original poster

Is this fair (access)

161 replies

Marmaladedandelions · 08/04/2015 06:51

STBXH is moving. He has a job and a house (though the sale hasn't gone through yet) about an hour and a half/two hours from where we live.

I don't want him having unsupervised contact with the children, who are eight years old and nearly a year old. There's also a second baby girl on the way.

Last week I went up there. He took the eight year old on a day out while I was in the building which I was fine with, and we all went out for something to eat.

I have suggested this on a weekly basis. He has said he wants twice a week. I think a 2 hour drive is too much twice a week. In all honesty I don't want him in my house so it would mean going somewhere mid-week and doing something after school which seems like a lot for the eight year old. Then, DH would either have to drive back or stay over in a hotel or similar and I'm worried about him putting pressure on me to let him stay.

So, I suppose what I'm asking is - is once a week fair? I am flexible when it's school holidays by the way.

OP posts:
fannyfanakapan · 08/04/2015 22:46

he made your son actively participate in your abuse?
And your son has witnessed physical and emotional abuse?

OP, please do not underestimate the effect of this on your child. As a foster carer, I can tell you how a relatively minor sounding incident to adults can assume HUGE proportions to a child under 8.

By your being there during contact, you are telling your son that the behaviour was acceptable and that his very scary dad is still calling the shots. This is not OK.

Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 08/04/2015 22:49

No, God no, I'd NEVER tell her that. It's not her fault. She's my child and I will love her. No, some things do NOT need saying, which is why it's so hard for me to talk about it, even on here when it's anonymous. Apart from anything else, it's humiliating.

Fanny trust me, I know it's hurt him, I know it's harmed him - I just wish I could turn back the clock and I cant.

OP posts:
Cherryapple1 · 08/04/2015 22:50

You need to report his behaviour to someone official. Women's Aid, Police, HV, GP. Then you can get the support you need.

How could there ever be room for negotiation with a rapist?

PeruvianFoodLover · 08/04/2015 22:51

Foodlover it was more my fault, that one, it really was. And I'm so very ashamed of it but I at least bear equal blame for it.

Your DCs still deserve justice, no matter who was responsible for "forcing" them to participate in abuse. If you were the victim of that abusive act, then you cannot be "to blame" - however, if your DCs have been coerced into abusive acts on others, for which you consider yourself responsible, then there are serious questions to be answered by both you and your ex.

Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 08/04/2015 22:53

I wouldn't get support, though, just plenty of scrutiny unfortunately. Perhaps deservedly, but I am doing right by the children now and while I have been misguided in the past I have only wanted them to be happy.

I don't think he even thought of it as rape although of course it was.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 08/04/2015 22:55

Foodlover 'justice' might mean foster care or more likely scrutiny from SS.

I don't think that's in their best interests. I've never intentionally harmed them, though of course I have. I'm trying to put it right now.

OP posts:
mummytime · 08/04/2015 22:55

Contact Women's aid - they will not judge you but may be able to help you sort out how to protect your DC, and to get them the help they need.

Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 08/04/2015 22:56

Thanks, mummytime

Will try that.

OP posts:
Cherryapple1 · 08/04/2015 22:57

So you won't report him to anyone incase you get reported too and get the children removed from you? Why do you think his abuse towards you is your fault?

PeruvianFoodLover · 08/04/2015 22:57

OP, even if you don't believe that you will get support, surely you can see that by reporting it, your DCs will get the support they so desperately need?

If they don't, then one day, it'll all come tumbling out from your DS, and your family unit will be ripped apart. Face it now, deal with it and then you can rebuild your lives.

Starlightbright1 · 08/04/2015 23:00

Have you looked at the freedom program. I think it will help you with a lot of what is going on here.

I also do worry what you consider to be your ace will be pretty useless very soon.

If you report something years after the event will look as malicious or past as he has proved himself.

I really think you need professional advise, whether you ring womens aid, sols or SS ..But all of them have a duty of care to the children to report something if they feel a child is at risk.

Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 08/04/2015 23:00

Cherry, I went along with it. I put up with it. On that one occasion I deliberately went into the room DS was in because I thought that would make him stop. I lied to protect him. I downplayed stuff to protect him. I left him twice and went back. No, I'm not blameless. Sad I'm not saying I am as bad as DH but innocent martyr I'm not

Foodlover DS is having help, I'm doing everything I can for him, really I am.

OP posts:
Thisismyfirsttime · 08/04/2015 23:07

You've said yourself op that he's not that interested in the children. If so, you go through the official channels and he'll lose interest as you have said. That is not you depriving your children of their father, that is you taking back control.

Cherryapple1 · 08/04/2015 23:26

You lied to protect all of you. Can't you see that you are a victim in all of this? This self flagellation is not going to help you one bit. You need to see him for what he is and stop taking responsibility for it.

And you need to stop calling him 'd'h also - he is an ex.

AyeAmarok · 09/04/2015 00:20

Oh OPSad Flowers

Agree that you do still sound like you are being controlled and manipulated, and no way should you be driving 2 hours to him, after school, very pregnant, every week.

whyMe2014 · 09/04/2015 00:20

Please get help through the Rising Sun and get onto a Freedom Programme.
You need to see him for what he is.

Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 09/04/2015 06:42

I do, honestly. And thank you. I'm not trying to self flagellate myself - it's just unfortunately in the context of official authorities it is relevant as like I say I'm not blameless. And you're right; I shouldn't refer to him as DH.

OP posts:
TisILeclerc · 09/04/2015 07:44

marmalade I self referred to social services. I told them all the worst - that I had failed to protect my dcs, that I had allowed him to abuse them, that my behaviour to protect myself had also verged on abusive. They were more concerned that I had taken steps to ensure that my ex was no longer in a position to abuse them. I was told in no uncertain terms that if he came home the children's place at home would be considered very carefully. I self reported as he was trying to question my mental state, making out I wasn't coping with the kids and that I was losing the plot.

That was more than two years ago and since then contact has been sporadic due to further abusive incidents. Finally after a period of court ordered supervised contact, in September we arrived at the end of the road and I now have a defined contact order which states eow plus half school holidays. Although he now lives about forty minutes away there is no midweek contact nor does he ever take them to our collect them from school. He is not allowed to come to my house. He is not allowed any contact details of mine other than my email. He has to ensure that another adult is with him when he has the children when possible (which means nothing really but spoke volumes of what the judge thought about him)

All of this was with all the abuse reported post split so it was totally my word against his.

Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 09/04/2015 07:56

Thanks for that. That's really helpful - I'm just very, very scared of involving SS.

OP posts:
Starlightbright1 · 09/04/2015 08:13

Maybe talk to womens aid first but you do IMO need to do something official now..

I think many people are scared of SS but they are there to help.

Cherryapple1 · 09/04/2015 09:06

Has he threatened to tell them what you are meant to have done? You seem utterly browbeaten by him. Your fear seems pretty irrational to an outsider.

Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 09/04/2015 09:21

I'm not sure about that starlight - thanks though :)

Cherry, no, it's just that the children aren't strictly speaking safe with either of us, historically I mean.

OP posts:
fannyfanakapan · 09/04/2015 09:42

Marmelade, the most important thing for SS will be that you have the capacity to change, that you have recognised that it was unhealthy for your kids in that environment and you got them out. They need to see who you are NOW, not who you were then, when you were under the thumb of a nasty abuser. The fact that he made your DS participate in abuse is wrong. Your complicity - well why were you complicit - did you do it because you wanted to or because you wanted to get some horrible incident over and done to protect your child and yourself? There is a massive difference.

Yes, SS might keep an eye on your for a year. But actually they can be really supportive and provide you with help and training.

I think he's done a right number on you and really scared you with talk of SS taking the kids away and telling you that you are just as guilty (because that is actually what abusers do - make you doubt yourself, make you feel responsible...)

But you have a very limited window of opportunity here before SS will start looking at WHY you are allowing continued access to an abuser. Yes, you are supervising - for now.

TisILeclerc · 09/04/2015 09:43

Self referring carries a lot of weight. My ex used to threaten all sorts wrt SS but the fact that I had self referred and actually 'confessed' the worst took the power away from those threats.

Honestly, talk to them. Tell them what's happened and that you need their support to continue to protect your dcs and they will help you. Talk to WA. WA often have legal clinics for free where you can talk over anything with a professional. Be warned though - these services are often well used and so an appointment may well be necessary. If you need help accessing any of this I'm happy to research it for you, just PM me your city/town and I'll get onto it.

Please don't be frightened of asking for help.

Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 09/04/2015 09:47

Thank you. I just - may as well be honest - just don't see us as a SS family. I know that sounds horrible, don't kick me too hard :) STBXH might be an abusive bully but he has a professional high earning job and I don't want to jeopardise that for him or for us. (I have called him a clever thug in the past; he is.) I suppose in many ways we are quite frightfully middle class and I think - know - that exterior shielded us and screened us where otherwise eyebrows might have been raised.

I don't know, honestly. I know there are some brilliant social workers out there but unfortunately I also know there are some who aren't and you just don't know who you might get.

OP posts: