Husband doesn't want kids

[Wonkina123]

New on here so hope this is best place to post this. My husband of 6.5 years doesn't want kids but I do. Been together 11 years & When we married he told me he just didn't want them yet. I was happy to be patient & it was talked about on & off. We even discussed it when moving house & having spare room for baby etc. 2 years ago after a few months of drifting apart, he broke down & told me he didn't want kinds. Said he thinks he has never wanted them but loved me so much he kept hoping he would finally feel ready but it just hasnt happened. I was completely floored but we agreed to try counselling to work out what to do. After 6 months of counselling I decided I could live without kids as I wanted our relationship to be my future so that's how we have progressed. Last 6 months though I've been wobbling & feeling very broody. We have also begun to drift apart again-probably because of the confusion. Don't know if it will pass or if this is my true yearning. Not helped by recent Gynae issues which have resulted in a endometriosis diagnosis & an operation to treat it. Suddenly being told I might not be able to have kids has made me realise I still want it. Don't know what to do. I'm almost 35 & hubby is 40. Lots of love between us but tiptoeing round each other right now as emotions very sensitive. So confused & lots of friends & family having babies this year which just adds to my mixed emotions. Any words of advice or any others experienced similar issues?

for you, OP. What a very difficult situation.

First, a word of hope. A number of older partners of women I know who are your age have had similar issues, and have ridden through them. The man has come around to the idea, and fallen head over heels in love with the new baby. However, a word of caution: in most cases, this has been won by the woman giving up virtually everything to do childcare, while he continues in his career.

Second, a word that is more pessimistic. If this is a really settled intention, i.e. if he really has thought about it and firmly decided that he doesn't want children at all, then I'm afraid there is very little you can do to change his mind. It definitely would not be a good idea to force his hand - it's not fair, for a start. You'll have to decide either to leave and try with someone else (or even alone) or to live with it. In either case, you will likely need psychological support and help.

Finally: whatever does happen, you will handle it and be OK. Because you don't have a choice and you have to get on with it. I don't mean this in a brutal way - I am dealing with the discovery that I can't have children myself right now, and I am devastated. But I have to go on, and I have to find purpose another way. So do you, and so you will.

Thanks & sorry to hear you are getting your head around difficult news. hope you find a way thru.
I'm realistic that I can't stay hoping he changes his mind. I need to be sure what I want/need & then decide if I want to stay or not. It's just so hard to know. Giving up a marriage because I want kids when there is no guarantee I will have them anyway is hard. And to be honest, it's the family unit with hubby i want-not just kids per se. I think he would make a great dad but I appreciate its better for him to be honest than to have had a child he doesn't want,
Other people's lives always seem straightforward but mine always seems complicated!

Tell him what you have told us. Does he realise how torn you are? My DH felt like you do, but he didn't tell me so I had no idea.

He knows I feel like this but says he is 100% sure he doesn't want kids so It is up to me to work out what I want to do. Has said he understands that might mean leaving him but he can't live with bringing a child into the world he never wanted. I respect him being so honest but I feel like I lose out whatever I decide. I either lose the chance or a family with him or I lose him. He does find it hard to talk to me about it any more though as it's so emotional for us both.

OP, you seem to have your head screwed on and will no doubt make the right decision. It was terribly unfair of him to let things get this far thinking he might change his mind though.

I left a man when I was just 27 (the hardest thing I've had to do) as I really forced the issue and wanted an answer from him. When he told me he never wanted kids I left immediately. After 6 months of hell followed by an ill advised dip into the world of internet dating, I moved abroad to teach. I had the best years of my life and met someone when I was least expecting to which resulted in a return to the UK.

If I hadn't met my now partner, I'd still be having a fantastic time, probably in a different part of the world but really at 35, you are still young and could do anything.

Can you live with the resentment this might cause?

Op so sorry ....what a horrible situation to find yourself in.

Was the counselling joint?...seems strange that it seemed to 'confirm' you were happy to carry on without trying to start a family.

I think it's a little cruel that in whatever way he has actually strung you along when his feelings haven't changed. He never wanted children.

I watched a friend go through similar. She stayed with him. They were together be it not very happily for another few years.

So rather than tell you 'I don't know if I will ever want kids' or 'I probably won't want kids' he lied and told you he didn't want them yet?

He is now pretending that the reason he lied is because he loves you?

Hmmm. I don't like him.

What a complete bastard!

I'd be f livid if a man had strung me along from 23 to 34 with the hope of having a family together only to leave me high and dry just as my fertility is about to go into decline.

Honestly to me this is the worst possible treachery- I'd find adultery easier to deal with.

I can't see how this man can love you at all. Surely it's immoral for him to have strung you along for over a decade? Surely he owes you something for that?

I'd've suspecting that he just wants out of the marriage for some other reason and is using this as a excuse to get you to be the one who ends it so he absolves himself of any responsibility.

Why is he so against having a DC? Is he a selfish prick who doesn't want to wipe a shitty bum? It's not like having a DC changes a mans life like it does a woman's!

If he's prepared to lose you over this then I don't think he's worth keeping at all.

You could find yourself splitting up then finding out that he has a new wife and 2.4 DCs within a few short years.

I think you need to tell your DH how torn you are feeling - go back to counselling, perhaps on your own and ask the therapist to work specifically on trying to resolve this issue. It can be so difficult in life to really identify exactly what we want. You have been with your DH most of your adult life so splitting would be a great wrench but you are still young and there are many ways to have a family.

Nobody lies like that because they love someone, they lie because they're selfish and want to control the relationship, to force their terms.

He has manipulated you horribly, and you may end up not having kids because of it.

I've seen two guys do this, both women ended up unable to have kids and both guys went on to have kids with other women.

In your shoes I would lose respect for him, for his weakness and betrayal of your trust.

Agreed, I'd be livid.

What if you stick with him just to find that in a few years this has become the elephant in the room, you can't forgive him, and you split anyway? By the you've got no chance of finding another partner and having children, and will have missed the boat.

What if you stick with him and he changes his mind in a few years, when it's too late for you anyway? What if he then goes off and finds someone younger? He can have kids any time, but he can't have kids with you any time.

I think if you want kids you have to bite the bullet. A child will be your child always. He isn't guaranteed to always be your husband, particularly if he is able to mislead so spectacularly on this subject.

If it were me personally, I'd leave him.

I have always wanted children and knew my life wouldn't be anywhere close to what I wanted without them.

What fourteen said, too. He can always have them.

I don't know your DH, obviously, but I've heard many a tale of a man who "didn't want kids". Then he and his partner split up in their mid to late 40s, he meets some 20 something and decides that by golly he does want some kids after all! And his ex partner is too old to have any of her own, but the man who denied them to her is vacationing in Fiji with his decades younger pregnant wife.

Stay with him for the moment.

Go out and try and meet someone and see if you can get pregnant.
Then leave him.

I've never known situations like this ever work out.

I'm afraid I agree with cheerful yank. Sorry.

Erm herandthere that's nuts advice.

Look op, even if you leave him, you aren't guaranteed to find anyone else who you want to be with, anyone else you want to marry or anyone else you'd rather have kids with.

Maybe you can't have kids.

What can you personally live with?

Would you have kids on your own if no one else came along? Or would you rather take a risk and stay with your husband?

No one has a crystal ball and no one can tell you what will happen. You just have to be able to wake up in ten years time, after your fertility has declined, and know that you did what's right for you.

I'm sorry, there's no magic answer here.

Can I just add, that my relationship history is an absolute car crash, but the one thing I've come out of it with is DD.

And honestly, the rest of it doesn't matter because I have her. It makes me sad that none of it worked out, and in an ideal world I'd have loved a husband and a "proper" family. However I've got the solution that I can live with, and that's me and her.

No its not.

She wants kids. She does not know if she's fertile. She's 35. She needs to get a move on ASAP.

She needs to find if she can meet someone else and see if she can get pregnant. The existing relationship is basically over, dead.

He's jerked her around. She can jerk him around.

That's madness.

I'm firmly in the livid and leave him camp.

I know a twat man who did exactly what your H has done. They split when she was 42. he's now married with 2 kids, she's in her early 50's, childless, single and extremely (understandably) bitter.

This kind of scenario hardly ever works out in favour of the woman and her emotional wellbeing.

hereandthereex I think you know that is just reactionary nonsense.

I do think OP you might want to take a temporary separation to decide what you really want. Not having children means also not having grandchildren, it means no children directly related to you for the rest of your life. Please don't stick with him out of fear. You are not too old to meet another man who loves you and wants a family.

I think your DH sounds very immature not to have been honest with you and letting you live in hope all these years. Think about that and the fact that if you did somehow find you had a child you could expect no emotional or practical support from your DH. That is hardly what I would call a marriage or family.

Take time for yourself alone and give yourself space to figure out what you want. Thinking of you x

What reasons does he give for not wanting them? Is it just a vague "don't like children" or "can't see myself as a Dad" or to do with pressure to earn monye, significance of a lifelong commitment to another human being, fear of messing up (perhaps he had a bad childhood?), can't face giving up lie ins, only enjoys adult company.....you need specifics. Some specifics can possibly be addressed or might be misonceived. Appreciate you may have already gone through that in counselling.

Do you ever spend time with children of friends or family? I was ambivalent about having them but found that actually interacting with my nieces and friends' children helped make it all seem more feasible/tangible and less like a million miles away from my normal daily life, so we are now ttc.

Does he have any good mates who are fathers? Perhaps they are influencing him. My good friend is a great Mum but she recently told me that she and her DH had never had a weekend without the kids for 7 years. That almost put me right off. However for DH one thing that convinced him was how much his mates raved about fatherhood so if you can find a mate that is positive about it that might help.

I think it boils down to this: you want kids, he doesn't so therefore, you are with the wrong guy. Being a mum I think it is too much to forsake having children. You might become bitter with him. He might move on and have them with someone else.

At 35 your clock is starting to tick, although it will be a few years yet before menopause. However, you have had a good 11 years with him. Now it's time for you to move on.

There is no guarantee you will meet another man who will give you children tho, so it is a bit of a gamble. But one you have to weigh up and decide if you feel that strongly is it worth it?

This is very difficult. You have another 10 years at the very most to have children he probably has quite a bit longer. But in that time your fertility will decline. I've known more than one person in this position whose husband or partner has said they didn't want children and then goes on to have them with somebody else. Not saying this would happen in your case but I don't think the possibility can be ignored.

Tell him either he agrees to have children or you will end the relationship. Why should you give up your chance to be a mother because of his selfishness.

Worth bearing in mind that you don't need to meet another man to have children, there is always the option to have a child/children alone.