Husband doesn't want kids

[Wonkina123]

New on here so hope this is best place to post this. My husband of 6.5 years doesn't want kids but I do. Been together 11 years & When we married he told me he just didn't want them yet. I was happy to be patient & it was talked about on & off. We even discussed it when moving house & having spare room for baby etc. 2 years ago after a few months of drifting apart, he broke down & told me he didn't want kinds. Said he thinks he has never wanted them but loved me so much he kept hoping he would finally feel ready but it just hasnt happened. I was completely floored but we agreed to try counselling to work out what to do. After 6 months of counselling I decided I could live without kids as I wanted our relationship to be my future so that's how we have progressed. Last 6 months though I've been wobbling & feeling very broody. We have also begun to drift apart again-probably because of the confusion. Don't know if it will pass or if this is my true yearning. Not helped by recent Gynae issues which have resulted in a endometriosis diagnosis & an operation to treat it. Suddenly being told I might not be able to have kids has made me realise I still want it. Don't know what to do. I'm almost 35 & hubby is 40. Lots of love between us but tiptoeing round each other right now as emotions very sensitive. So confused & lots of friends & family having babies this year which just adds to my mixed emotions. Any words of advice or any others experienced similar issues?

No, heylilbunny.

Its reactionary as the OP really does not have a lot time left.

There's no point pissing around and seperating and discovering herself mumbo jumbo. She knows she wants kids FFS! She's been through a cretinous process which has resolved nothing bar making her a bit brainwashed into (wrongly) accepting her current relationship

She can swim with dolphins, makes pots or whatever naval gazing bollox later.

I know a few very happy childless couples who have a lovely life. They had this conversation very early in the relationship and lived life always knowing children were not for them. Your husband on the other hand has been selfish and dishonest. I think you need to go not just because you want different things but because of his huge betrayal.

I have also know men who claimed not to want children to go on to get married to a younger woman and have kids.

Somehow the dynamic of your relationship has let him drift for years without having to come clean. With DH and I kids were a given we both just assumed we would have them and we both wanted them. Something so essential to your happiness must be established before you make a massive commitment such as marriage. It sounds like the OP's partner has managed to keep the commitment of kids on the back burner as long as possible.

She has time to meet someone else and she is mourning what she thought she knew about her relationship. Panicking and getting preggers with anyone who moves is not necessary and could cause a whole lot more complicated heartache. She has a matter of years left not weeks!

She first needs to work through what SHE WANTS not what strangers on the internet tell her to do.

Plenty of women on here have had kids from 35 up. I had my last a couple of months before my 38th birthday and he's sitting next to me on the sofa. No need for you to freak out and panic for her.

hereandtherex I can sort of see what you're saying. That basically the time for decision making is now.

OP, I agree you need to take a good look at what you want. Perhaps some counselling on your own might help, especially if you need time to realise that what you want is different to his 100% no kids stance.

Then act. At 35 with endometriosis, you don't really have a lot of time.

With endometriosis she'd be very lucky to have 10 years, I doubt she's even got that.

Think everyone's actually being quite hard on the OP's H. He's probably been told dozens of times through the years "Oh nobody wants kids when they're young, you'll change your mind when you're old" or "Men usually want kids later than women, you'll know when the time is right." And he's now realised that the time is never going to be right for him, and has quite rightly told the OP the truth to allow her to make a decision.

I don't see any evidence here that he's deliberately lied to string her along. Sometimes shit just happens, you know?

OP I do feel for you as this is a horrible situation to find yourself in especially with endometriosis complication. If you do leave then you may well find another partner who wants children, and you can get fertility treatment or you can adopt. You could also go it alone with a sperm donor. Or you could meet another man who already has children and you could take on a step mum role and look forward to being a doting grandma. However if you do stay with your H you will definitely not get the chance to do any of that.

I definitely don't think it's a good idea to try to persuade your H to "just try it and see if you come round". Because you can't send a baby back! I think you'd end up doing ALL the child-raising and make him into a miserable sod.

I don't think she needs to 'work through' the issues, she knows what they are, she's done therapy, she's had time to think - 11 years! Now it's time to make a decision.

Hi OP

I'd be absolutely livid aswell, I would be packing my bags. If you want children are denied the chance to have them by your husband I really can't see the marriage working out long term. You will be full of pain and resentment. And as a parent, the love and happiness that a child brings you trumps a crappy relationship hands down. Your DH has cheated you out of the most fertile years of your life deliberately. What a twat

I don't see any evidence here that he's deliberately lied to string her along.

Said he thinks he has never wanted them but loved me so much he kept hoping he would finally feel ready but it just hasnt happened.

The guy is 40. He knew.

pocketsaviour He has admitted that he 'never wanted' to have kids. He was happy to discuss moving house with an extra room for a child, without mentioning that, actually he didn't want one. That's not confusion, or 'shit that happens' that's outright dishonesty.

Why wasn't he honest? Because he knew damn well that she wanted kids so she may well leave him. That's why he kept schtum.

It sounds like he has the power - you've been hoping he'd want kids, now he doesn't, it's up to you to decide what to do and it doesn't sound like he's really had to think about it, just made his position clear and left the heartache to you, no matter how supportive he's been about it.

I would throw the ball back in his court. You need to decide whether a child is what you really want. It sounds like it is, so you need to leave. You've been struggling with 'should I stay for love'. Maybe now it's his turn to have to think about that.

I'm childless and staying that way, btw, so I don't really have a position on whether you should have kids or not. But if you want them, you should have them.

They are at a stalemate again, regardless of whether her DH "strung her along". He loves OP but not enough to reconcile himself to fatherhood and although OP was the one who compromised in counselling and said she could reconcile herself (out of love for DH) to childlessness she is now not sure.

I think the OP desperately wants DC and so now the DH will have to be the one to compromise but it's unlikely as he has made a very definitive statement about not wanting children. There is unlikely to be an easy or happy outcome in the short term. I repeat what I said in an earlier post - I think that the OP needs to go to counselling to explore her feelings and gain the fortitude to make some hard decisions.

Sorry, I missed that! Yes in that case it does sound deceptive and it would definitely tip me towards leaving the relationship just on that basis :(

A couple of points and a suggested solution:

Womens fertility 'plunges off a cliff' at 35 for women who don't already have children (words of my father, a doctor, to me). By the time these women (who don't already have children) are 40 it becomes very difficult indeed almost impossible to conceive naturally.

I have known two couples where the men have 'not wanted children' and then later changed their minds. In both cases it was then too late for the woman.

If you put prioritising a baby above your relationship:
You have to decide whether you want children - it's IMHO a 'yes' or 'no' thing.
If I were you and the answer was yes, I would explain to husband the urgency/gravity and that I was going to have children. I would offer him the opportunity to be involved or not on an ongoing basis (time limited to 3 years) - I would honestly say that I would not hold it against him not wanting to be involved (divorced / married) as this would be a unilateral decision. I would say that you want him to donate his sperm to you and if you can't use his sperm, look to his father / brother / other suitable relative before being forced to look elsewhere. Make it clear that if he wants to divorce / separate over this that's ok - this is secondary to having a baby. If he later wants to change his mind - you will welcome him back (give him 3 years to make his mind up - this is the way men's minds work) into the father role. Reassure him (if possible) that you won't financially burden him or expect anything from him - this is all about needing a baby, nothing more. Reassure him that you will always be friends even if you remarry after the 3 years.

You will have to mean the above BTW for it to 'work'.

At your age I would consider IUI.
www.infertility.about.com/od/infertilitytreatments/a/what_is_IUI.htm

This sounds like such a hard time for you, OP.

My advice would be to weigh up your options and work out what you want to do, and then once you know what that is, to go for it. You've waited for him for long enough; sounds like you need to take back control of your life.

What I think I would do (although I have never been in this position, and I acknowledge that it must be a lot more difficult than my post will make out) would be to tell my DH that I wanted a baby, and understood that he didn't. I would tell him that I was going to try to have a baby using donor sperm, and that he had no obligation to be part of it, but that it was what I wanted.

(Disclaimer: I am not married, and am about to start IVF with donor sperm, so my POV is very biased towards going it alone.)

What an absolute arsehole. Leave the bastard.

Completely agree with hereandtherex

He has done a number on you. Once you have your own child OP you will love him or her more than you have loved anyone. Of course you want a partner and it's not ideal breaking up with your husband but I don't see how you can get past this - in my opinion he has led you a merry dance and you deserve better.

If you have the slightest feeing that you want children (and I think from your post that remaining childless is not what you want) then you know what you have to do. Jump, it'll be worth it.

I think its very poor that he waited until 6 years into your marriage and until you were 35 yrs old to break this news to you. If he was confused about this issue at all, he should have spoken up much earlier.

I can understand you feeling bewildered by all of this. I have to say, though, for me this would be a deal breaker. Not only because I would want kids (and it seems that deep down, you do too), but that he has not been upfront on his feelings about such a crucial life issue until such a late stage. It shows cowardice at best, extreme selfishness at worst.

wistfulrune was your father saying that women over 35 who already have children are less fertile than women over 35 who don't? Does having children make you more fertile? Genuinely curious.

JessueMc.

Yep - I read the paper on this.

At its simplest, having kids keeps your ovary + bitsfunctioning.
If you do not have kids by 35 then your body will shut down your bits.

What seems happen is these men meet younger women then suddenly realize they want kids! I would dump and move on.

Giving up having children for one man is a huge risk. He could easily leave you and then your time have children has passed, all your feel is regret.

I think also some women are overly understanding and accomodating over vacillations about kids, when they eventually split the next woman says 'I want kids so if you want me that's the deal', and he accepts.

I was married to a man who did the same thing, 'Not yet'. was. I divorced him.

No man is worth forgoing children if that is what you want.

This is the one thing that's black and white.

If you want children you do have to leave immediately as your fertility is already precarious. I'd even urge you to go the sperm donor route if you really want children.

I too want to know the reason he doesn't want children. He sounds worried about it.