Husband doesn't want kids

[Wonkina123]

New on here so hope this is best place to post this. My husband of 6.5 years doesn't want kids but I do. Been together 11 years & When we married he told me he just didn't want them yet. I was happy to be patient & it was talked about on & off. We even discussed it when moving house & having spare room for baby etc. 2 years ago after a few months of drifting apart, he broke down & told me he didn't want kinds. Said he thinks he has never wanted them but loved me so much he kept hoping he would finally feel ready but it just hasnt happened. I was completely floored but we agreed to try counselling to work out what to do. After 6 months of counselling I decided I could live without kids as I wanted our relationship to be my future so that's how we have progressed. Last 6 months though I've been wobbling & feeling very broody. We have also begun to drift apart again-probably because of the confusion. Don't know if it will pass or if this is my true yearning. Not helped by recent Gynae issues which have resulted in a endometriosis diagnosis & an operation to treat it. Suddenly being told I might not be able to have kids has made me realise I still want it. Don't know what to do. I'm almost 35 & hubby is 40. Lots of love between us but tiptoeing round each other right now as emotions very sensitive. So confused & lots of friends & family having babies this year which just adds to my mixed emotions. Any words of advice or any others experienced similar issues?

I married a man who was pretty sure he didn't want kids (well, by about 2 months before the wedding, anyway). Similar reasons to yours but perhaps worse - he disliked having kids around, hates the unpredictable - he totally ruined many family events for me by resenting the presence of human beings under 25 and also had this thing whereby me wanting children was like me wanting another man. Basically we were coming from totally different angles on life and it took me a long time to see that. I thought that i Loved Him Enough to cope without at least attempting children. I couldn't. Sounds like you can't either tbh. I look back now and wonder what on earth I was vacillating about, every bloody day for 4 years. He helpfully had a vasectomy which focused my mind eventually.

TBH I'm now pretty glad I don't have a miniature version of him, instead I have a small version of my own lovely DH who might not have had kids if he hadn't met me, but who was absolutely up for the adventure from day 1 (well, OK, day 2 - I made things pretty clear early on).

Can I say that my life was immeasurably better once I left XH and that actually the broodiness and risk of not having children was much easier to cope with when I was on my own, compared to the pain of being with someone you are in love with who could give you your heart's desire but won't.

Megan's approach is worth talking to your DH about IMO.

I knew someone who married a man but he didn't want children.
So she planned it behind his back.
She worked and saved her money up so she could support herself while on leave. He was a stingy tight mean spirited man.
She got pregnant and said it was a accident.

So a couple years later she does it again.
Anyway to the here and now he doesn't have a lot to do with them. They both came back to visit and he wouldn't even let them stay in the home.
And their relationship is not even sexual anymore.
She wont leave at all.

She loves her two sons and they know what a prick he is.

You need to make up your own mind as to what you want.
Your husband is guilty of hoping against hope that you would go on your merry little way in life only with him.
Its his choice to be on his own.
Do what is right for you.

I don’t think Mika's idea is a bad one a actually, despite being far from ideal.

I think counselling to figure out how you feel is a good idea. I have severe endometriosis and spent 6 years thinking I probably wouldn't be able to have children. It wasn't until the option of having them naturally was taken away (both tubes removed) that either of us knew how badly we wanted children. After 5 years we were told ivf wouldn't work either and we started the grieving process. We would absolutely have built a positive child free life but one thing I know for certain is I could not have stayed with someone who didn't want kids. I can't imagine going through that much pain in isolation from my partner, not even really able to share it as it's down to his choice. Wanting children is such an irrational desperate feeling, I would have given up anything to run away from the cause except the problem was me.

In my case experimental ivf and a major diet change meant I now have twins. Endometriosis treatment is improving.

I know its been almost 3 years since this was posted but I'm curious, how did things turn out for you Wonkina?

I'm now in a similar situation. I'm 33, married 10 years and we've been together for 13. We've talked about having kids throughout our relationship and we've both been confident in having them, it has never felt like the right time for either of us. Now, my husband is turning 40 and trying to take conscious control of his life rather than going with the opportunities that present themselves, as he has always done. He is now unsure if he wants kids. He told me this at the start of this year, and I have given him until the end of the year to decide. He hasn't come from a very close family and he had a very tough abusive childhood and I think this is influencing his desire for a family.

We will split up if he does not want them and I think we will also split up if he has not decided by then. I know its not this simple but I feel there's a 2/3 chance we're getting a divorce. We both love each other very much and do not want to divorce. He says there is no one else he would rather have children with than me but he's just not sure. He knows that children are a non-negotiable for me and he does not want to deny me of this. He tells me to be optimistic, that things will be ok whatever the outcome but I am finding each and every day a struggle to get through and am in tears a lot of the time. I'm not sure I can get through the last 4 months. I have started seeing a counsellor who is helping me see that I'll be ok without him.

I have PCOS and my entire family has had difficulty conceiving. I had blood tests (AMH, FSH) earlier this year with positive results but my doctor said the best indicator of my fertility is my family history.

I am terrified. What if I leave him and don't find a partner that I want to have children with soon enough? I don't want to have children on my own. I will have lost the love of my life and will have lost my chance of having children.

I don't know what to do.

He’s strung you along and unfortunately you went along with it. It was never “not yet”, it was always ‘I probably don’t’. You may love this man but he has deceived you and I think in years to come that realisation will poison your marriage.

He wasn’t confused, it was a wilful deception and his play for time has worked because here you are, still with him

There are no guarantees but his behaviour and your collusion with his behaviour, has lessened your odds but there are still possibilities. Are you prepared to throw away your last opportunities on someone who didn’t care enough about you to be honest about something he knew was important to you?

This man has been 100% honest and open. He never promised her kids.
He cannot change his feelings. Unfortunately the OP has to make a decision - kids or partner.
Hoping he changes his mind is not an option.
OP may not even be able to have kids so this could all be academic.

Broodiness is just hormones. Saying 'I want kids' is just as (if not more) selfish as saying him saying he doesn't want kids.

@BetweenAClockAndAHardPlace

We both love each other very much and do not want to divorce. He says there is no one else he would rather have children with than me but he's just not sure. He knows that children are a non-negotiable for me and he does not want to deny me of this

Non-negotiable is not a very sensible position for a happy outcome for both parties.

Hi :-) just wondering what happened here...I am in similar position now and would love some insight.

These men are the worst kind of thieves. They steal your twenties and they steal your fertility. I would not even be able to look at them.

I have two women friends who wanted kids, their partners did not. Both have now split up, neither of the women has kids, both of the guys do. One went on to meet a single mum with young kids and realised he did want to be a family man after all.
My friends thought their relationships were worth making that sacrifice for. Both regret it bitterly.

@aboutbloodytime123 thank you for your response. It's a very difficult decision to make either way you turn you're losing someone

I'm sorry @Butt3rfly2, it is a horrible dilemma, I really do feel for you. Hindsight is a wonderful thing of course - my friends didn't know at the time what would happen and of course it could all have played out totally differently.
But there was a lot of heartache in their path 💐

He is utterly untrustworthy.

He deliberately strung you along.

Could he have shown you who he is more clearly.

He wanted you and fxxk with what you wanted.

That is NOT love.

You are a possession.

I would not trust him.

He is just the type to dunp you for someone else.

You are not a person.

You are a possession, until such time as he no longer wants you.

Be very, very careful.

I don't think you see him clearly at all.

He is NOT who you think.

Think about what YOU want but do NOT ever depend on him for honesty and decency.

He doesn't possess either.

I have two kids but I just found out I’m pregnant with my third. I also wanted to just keep two but now I feel truly blessed. I don’t know how to tell my husband because he will be so upset and angry.

So sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation, I agree with other posters, your DH has been deceptive and dishonest and has deliberately strung you along. This happened to a friend of mine, her DP decided after 8 years that he didn’t want children, she was 35 at the time and left him. She’s 42 now and has a 3yr old who was conceived naturally. He married someone else and they had 2 children in 3 years

You need to decide what you want, children or this man as sadly it looks like you can’t have both. If you want children there is still a chance for you without this man