Husband doesn't want kids

[Wonkina123]

New on here so hope this is best place to post this. My husband of 6.5 years doesn't want kids but I do. Been together 11 years & When we married he told me he just didn't want them yet. I was happy to be patient & it was talked about on & off. We even discussed it when moving house & having spare room for baby etc. 2 years ago after a few months of drifting apart, he broke down & told me he didn't want kinds. Said he thinks he has never wanted them but loved me so much he kept hoping he would finally feel ready but it just hasnt happened. I was completely floored but we agreed to try counselling to work out what to do. After 6 months of counselling I decided I could live without kids as I wanted our relationship to be my future so that's how we have progressed. Last 6 months though I've been wobbling & feeling very broody. We have also begun to drift apart again-probably because of the confusion. Don't know if it will pass or if this is my true yearning. Not helped by recent Gynae issues which have resulted in a endometriosis diagnosis & an operation to treat it. Suddenly being told I might not be able to have kids has made me realise I still want it. Don't know what to do. I'm almost 35 & hubby is 40. Lots of love between us but tiptoeing round each other right now as emotions very sensitive. So confused & lots of friends & family having babies this year which just adds to my mixed emotions. Any words of advice or any others experienced similar issues?

JessieMcJessie
In simple terms, if you have already had a child by 35, that '35' figure is pushed out to 38/40 (of course, all women are different, but this is an accurate 'rule of thumb').

What boggles my brains is that this very simple info isn't made clear to all girls at school. If one then factors in a very inaccurate estimate of 1mc per child, then a women can start working out the latest date to 'start' to realistically achieve x number of children (a very subjective calculation, I know).

Baffled why you are so impressed with his 'honesty'... he gets to keep all his options open. You don't have that luxury.

You went to counselling - did he also go to counselling to address his issues and perhaps find a resolution to your desire to have children?

He has been incredibly selfish. So probably not good Dad material. I think you should free yourself for other possible relationships, which may or may not mean a family.

I would leave. There are millions of other men out there.

You may not get a baby in the long run but you may.....

With him you won't!

Be strong and make a tough decision. Life is too short for regrets.

I think I'd leave him. He's purposefully preventing you from having children.

It's not wrong of him to not want to have children, but the option is there almost forever for him to change his mind about it and have them. You don't have the luxury of time.

If money is not an issue I would go to a fertility clinic asap and get advice on how easy or difficult it will be for you to get pregnant based on current tests and with your gynalogical history. Then you'll have a better steer on what you'd be "giving up" in terms of biological children if you stay with him.

I can't see that the DH has done anything wrong here.

He said he did to any kids originally thinking he might change his mind in the future. So far, he hasn't changed his mind, but he could have done.

OP says she 'decided' she didn't need to have children as well at one point, but is now finding that difficult to live with.

People change, they have human emotions, that includes men. This thread just shows how many people on this site automatically think the worst of anyone who is male.

OP, your DH is right, this is up to you now and you have to decide whether the chance of having children is more important to you than your marriage. Only you can decide that. It might be worth having more counselling to help you make up your mind.

Thanks for all your replies. It is interesting to see the range of opinions everyone has on this.
just to clarify - we went to couples counselling together about this as we both wanted to find a joint solution which we thought we had.
His decision not to have children is not about giving up his lifestyle or anything. He just says he dislikes children and does not see what they could bring to his life. He does not find it easy to be around friends and family's children but tries for my sake. We did have a foreign student live with us last year (his idea, I think just to see how he would feel with a kid in the house) but it confirmed that he just gets nothing from interacting with children.
We have a good life and do a lot together e.g. holidays, days out etc so I thought I was ok with that as being enough to fulfil me. I also struggle with being around other people's kids too - the noise and naughtiness so I have never been like a lot of my friends and dying to have kids. However, the last few months something feels different for me - maybe its that clock ticking! I still get frustrated by kids sometimes and think, OMG life is less stressful without them! but then wonder if the love they might bring would be enough to cancel that stress out.
I am annoyed I don't have more time to deal with this (biologically speaking) but in fairness to hubby - I know him well and I know that his intention was never to deceive or hurt me. As someone said - this shit just happens.
I agree with much advice - maybe individual counselling is what I need to get my own head straight before I decide what to do

I am going for the endo angle on this. As you need an operation to deal with it I am assuming it is a laparoscopy. Only at this point can they tell you how bad your endo is.

My own laser lap and dye operation went something like this, the consultant said to me "hmmm Unwilling, it is bad in there, I mean really bad, one of your ovaries is scarred to hell and we don't even know if it is producing any eggs, luckily your tubes are clear, the other ovary looks ok but there is so much scar tissue on your ligaments...." this was the point I just froze.

My actual notes from that operation say it will be a fricking miracle if I have children without going down the IVF route. I have seen them.

The difference being, I was and still am married to the man of my dreams who wanted children as badly as I did. And I was 28 at the time of that operation.

I was told when you get the diagnosis of endo you should start to consider a family asap.

I was advised by my consultant after that operation to try for a baby immediately. We did and I became pregnant immediately. It was a complete shock, not just for me and DH but for the consultant too!

So I have 2 miracle babies, who are now 12 and 9

You only get one shot at this life. Will you regret not having a baby of your own? My friend got to 41, divorced, no boyfriend and wanted a baby. She went down the IVF route as a single parent and had a beautiful baby boy 3 years ago aged 42. Cost her £12,000 and she couldn't be more happy.

he does not see what they could bring to his life

With an attitude like that I'm glad he doesn't intend to reproduce- what a selfish prick!

I know him well and I know that his intention was never to deceive or hurt me. As someone said - this shit just happens.

Of course it was his intention to deceive you: he withheld the truth from you for 11 years. He could have been honest and said 'I don't think I want kids but I may change my mind', at least then you would have known what you were dealing with. I understand that you don't want to think this of your husband, but you really need to face facts.

The poster who said 'shit happens' hadn't registered that your husband admits that he 'never wanted' children.

This shit doesn't happen if you have conscience OP.

This won't make any difference if your husband is stalling about having kids for reasons he isn't being entirely honest about, but I don't particularly like other people's children either. I've found that the love my own child has brought me has enriched my life, in so many ways. It's completely different when it's your own.

Believe me, the love and joy they do bring is very much enough to cancel the stresses out for the vast majority of people.

I 'never wanted' to go an live in India, but I acknowledge that one day I might change my mind.

At the moment, I can't see what it would add to my life, maybe that makes me selfish.

Stuff does happen and things do change. Ignore the man haters on here OP, you know your husband and your marriage better than anyone on here could.

Sounds like he would be a shit Dad, tbh. And when someone doesn't enjoy geing a parent they take it out on their partner.

Even if you had a baby if he dislikes even being in the presence of children then there ain't gonna be the fantasy family anyway. The house will be full of tension.

I'm someone who was married to a man who didn't want kids. But like you, my feelings changed as my thirties ticked on, and I told him I was broody. Unlike your husband, his immediate reaction was that he couldn't deny me a child, and he'd get his head around it. So by the time I got pregnant he was in a mindset of being welcoming and positive about it (albeit terrified).

Having a baby has been gruelling. There will be a lot of times where they just don't bloody stop screaming. You will both be surviving on snatches of sleep for months, and you will snap at each other. You really really really need to be on board 100% or you'll turn on each other like two rats in a cage. But no matter how tough it got, my husband never turned around to me and said "You wanted this, not me...." cos he had decided from the start he was giving full commitment to the plan.

Your husband will never be able to give that. He will be resentful to both you and worse, to the poor innocent child. You will be a basket case trying to keep the baby quiet.

Its just not going to work, sorry. Better a single mum and a house filled with love and light than a nuclear family in a house filled with tension.

OP, I never felt the need to have children. I never really felt really broody like some people claim. I quite liked children though, although I found them annoying after a while.

Me and DH said to each other when we got married that we would have children 'one day'. I remember the day clearly. I was 32, he was 37. We were in the pub together. I said that I couldn't imagine not being around our grown-up children when we were older. It dawned on us that to have our 'grown-up' children we would have to have a baby! So we tried.

10 years on, it's great. It's true your own children are way beyond any love or even interest you've had in any children before. They can be annoying, boring, tiring etc but they just bring the 'magic' to everything. Me and DH get less time together but it's much more a deeper together when we are.

I'd hate to be in your situation and I'm not sure what I'd do. I just wanted to say, that it's very normal to not feel sure about wanting a child - but unless you feel adamant you want none then I think it would feel awful to live with a what if?

My ex husband never had any children, either. He remarried a woman who never wanted children. They had both been sterilised by the time they met and are near 50 now.

I would not waste time with counselling. I would leave and go it alone immediately with a sperm donor.

Oh and Annarose speaks sense.

I suggest getting as much information as possible about your fertility and chances of conception. That way you know what you are dealing with.

I should hastily add that even though its been the most gruelling thing I've ever done, its also been the most joyful - and that includes all the previous happy things, like getting married. It tops all of that.

I had a stressful life before, but the stress of parenthood is completely different to say, work stress. With work stress you usually get fuck all reward. With parenting, every day has pockets of pure delight. The gummy smiles and the slobbery little hands patting your face and making your cheeks all wet.........its amazing.

A marriage isn't a happy one if it needs one partner to do all the sacrificing. I would suggest that children are the least of your worries and your marriage is in need of some serious help and support.

He manipulated you and what for, it seems more important for him to have his own way then discuss things in depth with you and be honest.

His vague answers point towards more manipulation and control issues. He's now slipped quite comfortably into victim mode "oh i'll understand if you leave me" "I lied because I love you soo much".

He doesn't trust you enough to make a decision with all the facts and he certainly doesn't respect your marriage or he would understand how hurt this lack of trust has made you and not try to do it again by manipulating you into ending it.

Sorry but in my book he's a self serving controlling coward and, your marriage isn't what you thought it was.

Children or no children do you want spend the rest of your life with someone who, when the shit hits the fan, which happens in life ducks responsibility and then manipulates the burden onto you.

Not wanting children does not make you selfish or irresponsible or a shit person. Ditto for not liking children. Some people are highly ambivalent about the whole issue and take time to make up their minds.

However OP, it sounds like both of you have indeed made your minds up. It sounds like you want children very badly and he doesn't. Please do not even consider having children with this man - he has been as clear as he can with you. It would be horribly unfair on him, you and a baby.
I'm really sorry you're in this position but only you can decide what is most important to you