Husband doesn't want kids

[Wonkina123]

New on here so hope this is best place to post this. My husband of 6.5 years doesn't want kids but I do. Been together 11 years & When we married he told me he just didn't want them yet. I was happy to be patient & it was talked about on & off. We even discussed it when moving house & having spare room for baby etc. 2 years ago after a few months of drifting apart, he broke down & told me he didn't want kinds. Said he thinks he has never wanted them but loved me so much he kept hoping he would finally feel ready but it just hasnt happened. I was completely floored but we agreed to try counselling to work out what to do. After 6 months of counselling I decided I could live without kids as I wanted our relationship to be my future so that's how we have progressed. Last 6 months though I've been wobbling & feeling very broody. We have also begun to drift apart again-probably because of the confusion. Don't know if it will pass or if this is my true yearning. Not helped by recent Gynae issues which have resulted in a endometriosis diagnosis & an operation to treat it. Suddenly being told I might not be able to have kids has made me realise I still want it. Don't know what to do. I'm almost 35 & hubby is 40. Lots of love between us but tiptoeing round each other right now as emotions very sensitive. So confused & lots of friends & family having babies this year which just adds to my mixed emotions. Any words of advice or any others experienced similar issues?

I think I'd have to leave.

I think I would spend the rest of my days bitterly resenting my DH if he had done this - even unintentionally.

But it's easy to say when it's not me. Sorry this is happening OP I hope you find a solution that makes you happy in the long run.

Not wanting children does not make you selfish or irresponsible or a shit person.

Could not agree more

Ditto for not liking children.

I think this actually does make a person a bit of an arse sorry. Would you say the same about the elderly or some other societal age breakdown.

I was just going to post what Viviennemary said. I know two instances ( one a cousin of mine) where the male was adamant he did not want children and relationships ended for this reason only for the male to met someone much younger and become a father and be very happy with it all. I agree entirely that you should leave if he refuses to have children.

Another, I work with children and even choose to spend time with children outside of work sometimes. However, I can completely understand why someone would find children irritating and tedious and certainly not want one in their house. It doesn't mean you wish children any harm, just that you don't enjoy their company particularly. Something that even some parents can relate to, based in my experience at work and the amount of moaning on some threads on here!

No is saying that someone who doesn't want children should become a parent. What they should do is be completely honest with any potential life partner - which didn't happen in the OP's case.

My DP didn't think he wanted kids, he told his ex he didn't want them. He met me, now he wants them very much and wants us to ttc straight after honeymoon.

I think it can hugely depend on the relationship you are in and many other factors. If you want kids you need to consider not being with this guy. Can you imagine a childless future? Prepare for him wanting them with someone else down the line however.

I Disagree with people that lean towards saying that he is selfish for not wanting children.
Having a child is an inherently selfish decision. People will refer to the joy and love they give you. People talk about what the children bring to their lives. It's a one way street at the point of birth, all the pluses going to the parents.
I believe what is selfish is to have a child you don't want.

My DH and I had always discussed children - names, how many etc. He seemed keener than I was. We worked overseas for a few years, during which time I (completely genuinely) became pregnant and it was unplanned. It was a tremendous shock as he had to admit that he had lied all along and had not wanted children at all. He tried to force me to have an abortion or to agree to have the baby adopted. He left when I was seven months' pregnant, after saying that I had to choose between the unborn baby or him, that he was being incredibly honest and that I should appreciate that.

I only had six weeks' maternity leave so was quite stressed. He saw DD a few times but has not seen her for years (in the end I came back to the UK) or ever paid anything towards her.

DD is nearly 18 and I have never for one moment regretted my decision. She and I have a fantastic relationship and I have always kept in contact with ex DH's mother, who has written him out of her Will. The other point, which echoes so may posts before mine, is that ex DH met a woman 10 years younger than I am and now has two small children. It used to haunt me, but in reality I can also see the positives in my situation - I have friends whose children are far less well balanced than DD, who are bitter about the level of payment/contact that their ex DH has with their children.

I knew all along that I wanted children and that I would have regretted it for the rest of my life if I hadn't gone down that route. It really depends if you are prepared to close that door.

So 6 months ago you were drifting apart. Now you're having a wobble again. It doesnt bode well for you staying, does it?

All these men whose partners left them because they didn't want babies Who then go on to meet someone with whom they DO want them........ How is it that they change their mind over something so fundamental? I can't help but think that these men just didn't want children with those particular women. For whatever reason, the relationship would probably have ended anyway further down the line.
Maybe they saw a child as the ultimate tie to its mother, and just hadn't completely envisaged spending the rest of their actual life with that particular woman and so a child with Her would be a no-no.

I think marriage is similar. How many times do you hear a relatively young man say they're never getting married. They let all their girlfriends know this. Then the next girlfriend they have they've proposed a year after meeting and happily married 2 years after that? This was DH. He incidentally also told me During our first year of going out, both early 20s, that he didn't want kids. As we were both so young at the time I thought it wasn't unusual for him to feel like that at that age so would just go with it. But I made damned sure that he understood that accepting marriage meant a life with children and if he didn't want that then we wouldn't be getting married. He said that he would probably feel ready around 30, he supposed, and I kept him to his "promise". I would have left him t that age if he'd have said "no kids" - no doubt about it, as I have PCOS and didn't know how easy conceiving would be.

He manipulated you and what for, it seems more important for him to have his own way then discuss things in depth with you and be honest

Agreed.

If the OP decides she wants to try and have kids, it's quite possible that her husband will panic and agree just to keep her.

But I think it would be dangerous to have kids with a man would has the capacity to be so manipulative. And any time it gets tough he can blame the OP.

About these types going on to have kids with a younger woman is that it's not the woman's age that's the issue, if anything they would have time to wait if they wanted. But they're not invested in the relationship at the start so they can say it's kids or bust.

I'm going to dissent just a little. For a long time in my life, I was very ambivalent about having children. I didn't feel one way or the other. I didn't know what I wanted at the most radical level.

It is only in the last 5 years in my 30s that I grew more and more positive about the idea - and tried and tried becoming more and more desperate - and then finally I found I couldn't have them after all. And you know what - there's not a blind thing I can do about it, so I HAVE to be OK with it.

If someone had asked me eleven years ago whether I wanted children, I'd have said 'I'm not sure'. That answer would've been true - not manipulative. I changed my mind. It can happen.

Here's the strange thing: Many women in the world don't have all these choices about career vs kids, or when works best. They fall pregnant, and they have a baby on their hands, and they deal with it. The fact of a choice is a huge win for women in terms of all kinds of wellbeing and rights, but sometimes I think we don't acknowledge that it also comes with its own burden, particularly for those who aren't absolutely fixed on having children from the get-go. I'm afraid, OP, that you've hit a crunch time in your life where you suddenly have to make that very big decision, and it probably feels all kinds of scary. But here's the other side of it: whatever happens, and whatever you decide, you will have to deal with leaving something behind - and you WILL handle that.

My Ex said he did not want kids and then left me and had 3 with someone else.

hippo, There are guys who are scare and unsure about having kids (and say they don't want them), and there are guys who are very strongly against having kids. It seem that your husband is absolutely sure from the beginning he doesn't want kids whatsoever. One guy I know left his wife because she got pregnant anyhow and he did NOT want kids. He refuse to met his child until she became an adult when she wanted to meet her father. She only met him one day, but he was dying of cancer anyhow so he passed away soon after.

He should have himself snipped if he is absolutely do not want kids.

It doesn't matter about him anymore. You are 35 and have endo. You really don't have time to waste.

btw, this guy never had kids with other women either. HE was serious about not having kids.

Excellent post shovetheholly. The choice itself can feel like a huge burden and can feel very scary.

I'm so sorry that things have not worked out the way you hoped they would x

Shovetheholly

He didn't say he wasn't sure, he gave the impression that he did want kids 'just not yet', they even discussed buying a house with a spare room for the baby.

When the OP says she was 'happy to be patient' anyone with a conscience would at that point have said, 'look I have to be honest, I can't have you waiting for something that might never happen, I'm not sure if I want kids now or ever'.

And the time to do that was before they got married.

I understand what it feels like not to want to have kids. I've never really liked them, if anything I actively disliked them. If I'd met a man I wanted to marry and he hadn't wanted kids I wouldn't have had any, and I've no doubt I would have been perfectly happy.

But my husband came from a big family and wanted kids and it was a dealbreaker for him. So we had to figure it out. He basically talked me round. He wanted 4 I said 2 max, so we made deal. Even when I had my kids I didn't feel broody, it was more a rational decision to choose this life experience rather than any kind of need.

But at no point was I ever less than 100% honest with my husband, and to have married him in the knowledge that he thought we would eventually have them, when I didn't actually want them, would have been a betrayal.
I couldnt have lived with myself.

When my previous long term relationship broke up just before I was 35, and with a history of subfertility in my family, I took myself to a private fertility clinic, had some blood tests and a scan of my ovaries - didn't get any figures, but I was there to consider whether I should go down the route of IVF with donor sperm. For me it was money well spent, the consultant was very reassuring, basically said to me to stop panicking, and come back if I hadn't met someone by 38. I was extremely lucky in that I subsequently met a wonderful man and once we had decided to have children, got pregnant very quickly. Prior to that my ex had been wanting me back and I had been undecided (basically thinking he was my only chance for kids) - feel very lucky that I did not stick with him as he made me miserable and would not have given me the happy family unit I have now.
Your endometriosis OP means you have cause for concern though so please don't waste more time if you really do want to have children. It's exhausting but I am so glad I didn't miss out on the chance - you don't want to look back and regret not even trying. Good luck with the tough decisions you have to make here. There are a lot of strong opinions on here but lots of good advice and food for thought. Notable that no-one regrets giving themselves the chance for a family.

Here's an idea: suggest to him that if he gets you pregnant, you will leave and bring up the child yourself, he doesn't need to take any responsibility whatsoever. If you don't get pregnant, you will stay and be the happy wife, knowing you tried and it wasn't to be. That way you get either a baby or this husband. He may get to keep the wife he wants but even if he doesn't, he gets the knowledge that at least he didn't ruin your life.

I know this sounds mad but my own life was even madder than this by far and contrary to all expectations worked out really well. I think you need some unconventional thinking here because ignoring the situation is a no-win.

Tbh (and very controversial!) I would not walk away from an 11 year relationship at 35 if I wanted a child. It sounds as though he's been pretty manipulative so I would just play him at his own game. I would stop talking about having a baby and just get on with conceiving one. Have the op, buy some OPK's and spend the next few months ttc. Worst case scenario is that you can't get pregnant anyway (so at least you haven't thrown away your marriage) and best case scenario you get pregnant and either the relationship breaks down or he comes to terms with it. If you really want this man to be the father if your child then surely it's worth the gamble - why on earth would you go for a random sperm doner?! Lots of women have "accidents" - it's the oldest trick in the book and a much easier option than starting all over again on the dating scene after 11 years. You don't want end up single and childless at 40 so you should take action now to avoid at least one of these

' If you really want this man to be the father if your child then surely it's worth the gamble - why on earth would you go for a random sperm doner?!'

Because this man doesn't want children.

What if he is using condoms?

Mika

What an awful post

Actually I think Megan speaks sense.

The thing that I would find hardest to accept would be the fact that he has lied to you for a decade. If I hadn't wanted children and my husband had, I love him too much to have denied him that chance and would have had to have been honest with him, however much it might have hurt me. Love is selfless. What he has done to you is not.

If you really, genuinely want children that urge won't ever go away. You can't pretend to not want them, you won't be able to just forget it and live happily ever after, it will consume you in the end. You will resent your husband, and you will forever regret not leaving.

Time isn't on your side. Honestly? I would leave him. I couldn't be with someone who had strung me along for so long.