Sex is making our lives miserable - does this happen to anyone else!

[alltalkedout]

Hello. My husband and are in a bad place. Sex has always been an issue for us - according to him we don't do it enough and sometimes when we do have sex he doesn't feel that I am attentive enough to him in bed.

We get stuck in these cycles of it all being great for a while but then something will happen (illness, exhaustion etc we have two you children under 8 and I work full time) and a week or two will go by where we don't have sex and then he starts to behave like a spoilt child. Silent treatment, moody and miserable awful to be around and sleeping on the sofa. Then we don't have sex because I don't like him when he is like that. Usually it works out and we make up and things are fine but not this time.

It's happened again and he's left the house for the afternoon to get away (not left for good). He said he's not sure that he can live like this for the rest of his life and that we are incompatible sexually.

I tried to explain that it's normal for couples to go through dry periods but he says that if he doesn't have sex then the chemicals/ hormones make him crazy. This changes who he is and I don't like who he becomes when he hasn't had sex for a while which makes it harder for us to reconcile. He is also convinced that I don't fancy him - I do I just feel knackered as my daughter wakes up every night.

I just wondered if this happens to anyone else. It make me feel like a frigid freak and he tells me that other women actually like sex and I don't. Am I being unreasonable or do others experience this - especially the hormones making him behave badly/have no control over his moods and behaviour.

Thank you.

WildBillfemale If you don't care, why are you even on this thread?

If you have nothing useful to add other then the op should shut up & put, bugger off & take your 'advice' elsewhere.

Do you want us to go back to pre 1992 when married men were allowed to rape their wives?

Apple and Wild bill are spot on...SGB makes some nice points too.. They both need to put the breaks on, sit down talk, forgive and move on, otherwise an impasse is reached and the damaging behaviour will continue..

worthanamechange
You seem to be annoyed that someone (me) has hit a nerve?

I know exactly what you said . This

"If I was lucky, I'd get an perfectly valid reason why we couldn't. No problem. But she'd say she was tired, then stay up until 11 watching some reality based shite, probably with Ant and Dec in it. The thing is, after a couple of weeks that started to burn into me - I'd try to ignore it, but eventually you realise that you're not as exciting as X-Factor....and that fucking hurts

A perfectly valid reason?

So your wife has to give a reason that you think is acceptable? In other words a practical reason- maybe an illness, tiredness, etc.

Your wife doesn't have to give a reason at all, you know. Being married - believe it or not- is not a state of 'sex on tap unless she / he gives me a valid reason'.

Is it too hard for you to understand that being engaged in mutually enjoyable sex may just take a tad more effort than watching the X-Factor?

You can't surely be missing the point there?

Also- as SGB and other posters have pointed out here, women usually want sex (even so much as to give the X factor a miss now and then) if they are in a loving mood with their partner.

If there is inbuilt resentment - for whatever reason- or deep underlying unhappiness , then the sex will usually suffer.

Sex is usually a barometer of a relationship - taking mismatched libidos out of the equation ( which is another issue.)

What seemed to scream out of your post was that you appear to think having sex with your wife is some kind of default right unless she comes up with a valid reason not to.

That's what is disgraceful.

Oh and the other point that has not been mentioned is that some men are basically crap in bed. But their wives are too kind to mention it.

I actually applaud the OP's DH because he seems to be doing what you are asking. He's thinking of leaving.

So Apple, you think that a guy who behaves 'like a spoilt child' and does 'silent treatment, moody and miserable, awful to be around' after 'a week or two' of no sex is perfectly fine and normal. And you applaud him for thinking of leaving?

Seriously?

Do you realise how fucked up you and WildBillFemale sound?

Your post started well enough and I agreed with some of it, and then it went down the pan. You make assumptions that are not supported by the OP's text.

There seems to be a basic problem on this thread of posters who are reading the OP as if a year or two was passing between sexual encounters rather than 'a week or two'; and as if the OP was not having sex because she didn't like it rather than illness or exhaustion.

This distinction is important as it marks the difference between a husband who is justified in being upset and one with an entitled and unreasonable attitude who manipulates to get his way.

Come on Pinkfrocks, some women aren't good in bed either.. And what does that actually mean, within the confines of a interpersonal relationship, it's up to BOTH people to express and guide the other, not sit in judgemental silence...

Sorry, nothing useful to add, just gobsmacked by wildbill's lol at the concept of bodily integrity. "Just givehim a quickie". Wow, words fail me.

I've never used the terms 'abuser' or 'rapist', so I don't know why you're addressing that to me.

Twinkle - I've re-read that post, and I apologise - I've not worded that as well as I should. Your post was representative of several similar posts and just happened to be the nearest when I wanted to quote one - it was not a direct comment at you.

However, "abuser" and "rapist" have both been used in this thread about the OPs husband (not by you), so I'm definitely not throwing words around.

You make assumptions that are not supported by the OP's text. Start at the beginning again - plenty of other people have made assumptions from the OPs post that have become fact a few pages on.

Different/Pink Honestly, I don't think I write that badly - certainly not that badly that you've got almost the exact opposite out of my post. I don't know whether it's deliberate or not; doesn't matter either way - it's not worth anyone's time to keep going at it.

Oh and the other point that has not been mentioned is that some men are basically crap in bed. But their wives are too kind to mention it.

kthanksbye

Why is it so hard for OP to have sex? You don't have to be in the mood so its an earth shattering meeting of body soul and mind each time, a quickie would keep hubbie happy and OP might get more into it.

Not sure "hubbie" is going to be pacified with a "quickie" WildBillfemale after all he's already critiqued her performances and told her she's not attentive enough.

Why is it so hard for OP to have sex?

I couldn't fancy a man who behaves the way the OP's husband does. It wouldn't be hard for me to have sex, it would be impossible.

Worth well you clearly do explain / write very badly because at least 2 of us have got- according to you- the wrong end of the stick.

I cannot see what is so hard to fathom.
You said you understood why your wife didn't want sex if she had a valid reason.

I assume you are clever enough to know that 'valid' is a highly subjective word?

And that if she would rather watch 'shite TV progs' ( your words) than come to bed with you for sex, there is perhaps something going on in your marriage that warrants a conversation.

If you can't be bothered to discuss then either it's not as bad as you try to make out, or you know that there are issues that you don't want to discuss either here or with her.

Why is it that the men here want to blame women all the time for not wanting sex, rather than look to their own behaviour outside the bedroom- or even their ability to please in the bedroom?

Because in my experience of quite a long life, women are usually up for it if the man they are with is a) kind and considerate generally to them and b) the same in bed.

Unless the spark has just gone and they don't want to talk about it because they don't want to face up to a marriage that is dead and perhaps needs ending.

Sex should be a mutual gift between two people who want it.
There seems to be a few posters who feel like they are being denied their right to sex, like their partner is calling in sick to work or something

"oh, well I guess thats a valid reason, but I'm going to need a doctors note if you're still not screwing me by Thursday!"

Maybe instead of saying how cruel it is of them to not want to, they should be asking "is there anything I can do to make them want it more? If theyre saying they are too tired, what can I offer to take off their hands to try and help with that?"

There doesnt seem to be any mention yet of whether the OP's husband has ever gotten up in the night so that she doesnt have to, for example.

If you truely believe that you are doing everything you can to help share the day-to-day tasks, make your partner feel loved, appreciated, and valued, try to avoid pressuring them or making them feel guilty for saying no, and its STILL been a long time since there was any sign of any kind of sexual spark then I think thats the time to have a serious conversation with them about whether you should seperate.

Hear hear Storm

No one has the 'right' to sex and no one has to make excuses.

You have to make your partner WANT you, by actions/words/caress.

If you cant do that, don't blame them!

Twinklestein

I think the thread is split between people who are putting great weight on the "two weeks" and people who are not.

I'm personally not because:

• "a week or two" is not a very precise number and (imo!) I think the OP (who has not come back to the thread to clarify!) just pulled them out of the air. People are notoriously bad at measuring time. A week or two could be a month; could be six weeks.
• The OP says sex has been a problem since the beginning of the relationship. She states that it's infrequent because of children but presumably these weren't there then. Suggests a fundamental incompatibility.
• The OP doesn't say that she prefers to have sex every two weeks. She says that after two weeks it starts to get tense. In other words, two weeks seems to be the compromise position where the OP feels pressured to give in. Suggests that her actual preference would be less frequent than 2 weeks
• You are discounting the cumulative effect. He's not getting moody after not getting sex for two weeks. He's getting moody after basically being rejected for years on end. Presumably he is the only one who initiates. Turned down over and over. Huge amounts of tension in the house. The "two weeks" is a red herring.

Storm

Bodily integrity is a fundamental human right. Nobody has the right to make anyone else have sex. But nobody has the right to make anyone else do housework either. Or talk to them. Or acknowledge birthdays or celebrations. Or learn from mistakes. Or grow and change.

I don't think good marriages start off on the basis of what can be legally compelled by the other - instead, what is generous, kind, respectful and reasonable.

Also:

Why is it that the men here want to blame women all the time for not wanting sex, rather than look to their own behaviour outside the bedroom- or even their ability to please in the bedroom?

I'm sorry but this is fundamentally wrong. It takes away women's agency completely. Women's sex drive and desire for sex is basically a function of her male partner's behavior? What you are saying is instead of treating a woman like an autonomous human being and her actions as her own, a DH should see all women's sexual behavior as a reflection of himself. If he is good = the sex is good. If he is bad = the sex is bad. How is the weather in the 1950's? Good?

there is an enormous difference between doing housework when you don't want to and having sex when you don't want to

"What you are saying is instead of treating a woman like an autonomous human being and her actions as her own, a DH should see all women's sexual behavior as a reflection of himself." No we are saying men should own their actions and reactions.

And the analogy to housework is pretty offensive.

"I don't think good marriages start off on the basis of what can be legally compelled by the other - instead, what is generous, kind, respectful and reasonable." And the OPs husband is not showing a lot of any of those characteristics.

Apple
Why is it that the men here want to blame women all the time for not wanting sex, rather than look to their own behaviour outside the bedroom- or even their ability to please in the bedroom?

I'm sorry but this is fundamentally wrong. It takes away women's agency completely. Women's sex drive and desire for sex is basically a function of her male partner's behavior? What you are saying is instead of treating a woman like an autonomous human being and her actions as her own, a DH should see all women's sexual behavior as a reflection of himself. If he is good = the sex is good. If he is bad = the sex is bad. How is the weather in the 1950's? Good?

Err............ no that is not what I am saying.
I am not saying that women's sex drive and desire is a 'function' ( right word?) of her partner's behaviour. Women have desires and a sex drive as autonomous human beings. BUT- and this is the bit you don't get- many women will tell you ( or my friends have as it happens) that their sex drive and desire IS directly linked to the relationship they are in and the behaviour of the man in that relationship. Dismiss this at your peril.

I have a friend whose marriage has been sexless for a long time. The reason for that is that their marriage is not a happy one and the last thing she wants is sex with a man who is treating her badly. She would also tell you that her desire for sex is directly linked to the quality of the relationship and that when she is not in a relationship she doesn't really think about sex that much.

so your statement about good relationship= good sex and bad relationship= bad sex is absolutely right. And men have told me this too.

In the 21st century. Not the 1950s.

Christ some of you have lost the plot on this one........the solution is so easy, COMPROMISE!

What do you mean by compromise?

I mean OP is willing to have sex a bit more than her ideal and H alittle less than his ideal

so the answer is that the OP has to have sex when she doesn't want to? thsi isn't about doing the washing up, it's about having a penis inside you when you don't want it

Apple

a) Essentially what you are saying is that despite the fact the OP specifies 'one or two weeks', you know better, the OP is bad at measuring time, pulled the figures out of thin air, what she really means is a month to six weeks.

b) You make the assumption that sex is 'infrequent' but that's not what the OP says. She says they have extended phases of 'regular sex' and then she gets her 'period' or one of them gets 'ill', and he gets arsey. If anything, her posts imply they have pretty regular sex apart from the normal hiatuses of busy married life

She says her husband feels they 'don't do it enough' and she is not 'attentive enough'. Now that could mean anything - it could mean he wants it every night and is not happy because she wants it every other night. It could mean he has an attitude of entitlement and thinks she's duty bound to do it when he fancies.

There are plenty of women who ask for advice here in situations where their partners have unrealistic sexual demands. This may be one of them.

c) There's no suggestion anywhere in the OP's posts that her preference would be every 2 weeks. What she said was that if for whatever reason they go without for 2 weeks, that's the point at which he gets objectionable.

You claim the husband is 'not getting moody after not getting sex for two weeks', yet that is precisely what the OP said.

d) To top it all off, you presume that he's only 'getting moody' from having been 'rejected from years on end', you presume that he's the 'only one' who initiates, and have airily decided 'two weeks is a red herring'.

In summary, you've made a lot of assumptions that have no basis in the OP's text.

If you know the OP's life better than she does, why not write the thread for her?

The OP is not meeting the DH's needs.

She needs to make more effort in that department and he needs to sulk a lot less and appreciate her for at least making an effort.

Or break up and stop making each other miserable.