Sex is making our lives miserable - does this happen to anyone else!

[alltalkedout]

Hello. My husband and are in a bad place. Sex has always been an issue for us - according to him we don't do it enough and sometimes when we do have sex he doesn't feel that I am attentive enough to him in bed.

We get stuck in these cycles of it all being great for a while but then something will happen (illness, exhaustion etc we have two you children under 8 and I work full time) and a week or two will go by where we don't have sex and then he starts to behave like a spoilt child. Silent treatment, moody and miserable awful to be around and sleeping on the sofa. Then we don't have sex because I don't like him when he is like that. Usually it works out and we make up and things are fine but not this time.

It's happened again and he's left the house for the afternoon to get away (not left for good). He said he's not sure that he can live like this for the rest of his life and that we are incompatible sexually.

I tried to explain that it's normal for couples to go through dry periods but he says that if he doesn't have sex then the chemicals/ hormones make him crazy. This changes who he is and I don't like who he becomes when he hasn't had sex for a while which makes it harder for us to reconcile. He is also convinced that I don't fancy him - I do I just feel knackered as my daughter wakes up every night.

I just wondered if this happens to anyone else. It make me feel like a frigid freak and he tells me that other women actually like sex and I don't. Am I being unreasonable or do others experience this - especially the hormones making him behave badly/have no control over his moods and behaviour.

Thank you.

Of course there will be two sides but so what? We only have the OP's account so that's what we go by. You could go onto pretty much every discussion here and say "Oh but there's two sides to very story" but it wouldn't exactly be helpful would it?

What other side to the story justifies such awful behaviour from a grown man do you think, Dads? Presuming, of course, that the OP has absolutely no reason to lie about something like this, and referring specifically to the OP as opposed to comparing it to your own dissimilar experience.

Twinklestein - I'm suggesting there are two sides to every story

Clearly, but we're dealing with the side presented here. If posters went onto every thread and said 'well she may say her husband's having an affair but what's his side', we may as well pack up and go home.

I've seen nothing in the OP's posts to doubt her sincerity.

It's 'history is written by the victors' btw, and rather implies you conceive of relationships as war or turmoil.

Being single and going without sex is completely different to being repeatedly knocked back by the person you're married to/in a relationship with. It's not all just about scratching an itch.
The op's husband sounds like a drama queen at best but it's opened up a discussion about the idea that people who are regularly turned down by someone who supposedly loves them have to just take it on the chin and it's their problem if it makes them feel rejected. There should be no effort on the part of the rejecting person it seems.

I don't think anyone is saying that at all (or at least, very few people). However, when you're married to someone who behaves in this awful way when he doesn't 'get' sex then it's hardly conducive to a healthy sex life, is it? Furthermore, she doesn't 'regularly' turn him down - but if he doesn't 'get' sex when he thinks he should then he's sulking, sleeping on the sofa, storming out and so on - horrible behaviour which nothing more than emotional blackmail. I challenge anyone to find that attractive and endearing.

As I said the ops partner is at best a drama queen. The op hasn't elaborated on frequency, duration, discussions etc. but yes her partner is wrong to behave like that. In no way was I excusing his behaviour.
As i said I was talking about wider issues that have been raised.
As I said I have read in this thread several times that being told 'not tonight dear' for sex is the same as single people who have to go without sex and they deal with it (but actually many don't but that again is another issue).

I think the men who have posted here about supposedly similar circumstances should start their own threads.

Any friends I have who have a lack of sex in their relationships blame the behaviour of their partner which tends to be counterproductive to feeling loving and sexual towards them.

What we do seem to have here are a couple of men(not the OP's DH) who think that sex is something that should just happen if their partner or wife is not ill, not tired, not having a period and not otherwise distracted by life.

They never seem to look to their own behaviour and the emotions their wives might be feeling, ( usually negative emotions about the relationship) but not willing to discuss.

Agree Pink.

Worthanamechange and Dadsperspective you're not actually talking about the same scenario as the OP.

Unless after a week or two of no sex you behave as follows:

Like a spoilt child... Silent treatment, moody and miserable to be around and sleeping on the sofa

Is that what you do?

A few people have mentioned things like this - the point I made early on in my post is that that is exactly how my wife would have described it. And just like the OPs husband, I would have been torn to pieces.

Abuser - that's been thrown around plenty.

Rapist - I mean, seriously. You have at best one half of a story and you would accuse someone of that?

Maybe the OPs husband is an absolute dick nozzle - I never met the guy. But I know how that feels. How asking twice a week is nagging. How it's been 2 weeks when you know damn well it was 5 weeks ago. How you sulk because you don't want to watch X-Factor, so go to watch TV in the other room. I've been there, done that, and it's not a fucking treat, let me tell you.

No-one's said to talk. Or asked questions. You just judged him - And I could have been him.

What we do seem to have here are a couple of men(not the OP's DH) who think that sex is something that should just happen if their partner or wife is not ill, not tired, not having a period and not otherwise distracted by life.

They never seem to look to their own behaviour and the emotions their wives might be feeling, ( usually negative emotions about the relationship) but not willing to discuss.

How dare you.

Seriously.

I am genuinely....I don't even know. I actually don't know what I'm feeling right now.

That's not what I said. Not even slightly. I don't know if I've rubbed you up the wrong way somehow, but I don't deserve to be treated like that.

Here's what I wrote, maybe you missed it:

"If I was lucky, I'd get an perfectly valid reason why we couldn't. No problem. But she'd say she was tired, then stay up until 11 watching some reality based shite, probably with Ant and Dec in it. The thing is, after a couple of weeks that started to burn into me - I'd try to ignore it, but eventually you realise that you're not as exciting as X-Factor....and that fucking hurts.

She got the implant and her periods went nuts. Again, it's a perfectly valid reason and that's not my thing anyway. At one point, she had a period for 6 months. Didn't go to the doctor. Didn't even mention it when she got a new implant. And you know what, it happens again. Now she'd rather bleed than have sex with me."

Don't put words in my mouth. If you want to know something, ask me.

WorthANameChange do you behave like this?

"a week or two will go by where we don't have sex and then he starts to behave like a spoilt child. Silent treatment, moody and miserable awful to be around and sleeping on the sofa... I tried to explain that it's normal for couples to go through dry periods but he says that if he doesn't have sex then the chemicals/ hormones make him crazy. This changes who he is"

Is your wife anxious about how you will react if she doesn't want to have sex with you? If so, do you think that's acceptable? If not, you really aren't talking about the same situation and should perhaps start your own thread if you are after advice

I've never used the terms 'abuser' or 'rapist', so I don't know why you're addressing that to me. Are you just throwing words around?

It's really not on to hijack the thread of someone who's asking for advice to discuss your own marital problems.

If you want support for sexual issues make your own threads. You will get plenty of sympathy here as there are women experiencing exactly the same thing with their husbands.

If you're just here to throw your weight around and draw attention to yourselves, then hoppit.

If you are in a relationship with someone who persistently refuses to have sex with you (ie there have been months and months of refusals without any sex taking place) and gets angry every time you try to discuss the issue then I appreciate that must be miserable for you.

Again, though, it's important to look at the rest of the relationship and how the two of you treat each other. Do you like and respect each other? Do you enjoy each other's company, help each other out, listen to each other? Have you discussed with your partner whether s/he is unhappy with you for reasons other than anything to to with sex and have you listened if s/he has asked you to (for instance) contribute more towards your share of domestic work/stop drinking or gambling or taking drugs or working late as a way of avoiding spending time with your partner?
If you are not able to have a calm, kind, reasonable discussion with your partner or, if you have tried this a few times and your partner has said, oh yes, oh dear, I will try harder but done nothing then you have the option of ending the relationship. It is OK to end a relationship that is making you miserable. It's not OK to insist that the relationship continues while you whine, moan and seek out ways to punish your partner for not making you happy.

SGB

Again, I feel like in theory that's fine but in reality it's hard to end a good relationship with children because "you aren't getting enough sex". People lie and stonewall about sex a lot. Seriously. I feel like that is never acknowledged in these conversations. Plenty of relationships are actually really great except for underlying sexual incompatibility. Then it's really hard to leave (even for men, right ). There is already a cultural narrative where women are not supposed to want sex - and men are supposed to want it that obscures the mismatch until it's too late. Women feel pressure to act more sexual, maybe. Or a new relationship flush of hormones leads to lots of sex. Then it dies down. People gain weight. People get older. It gets a bit boring. There's expectation. There's obligation. Women go through huge physical changes with childbirth that can lead to long - but temporary! - sexual droughts. How are men supposed to know on the basis of a few conversations what the difference is? You act like it's black and white.

There was a really long thread a while ago about how long it took for people to resume sex after childbirth. Some people were stating almost a year for each child. Each of those women resumed a really full sex life after almost 3 (?) sex free years. I can imagine identical situations where for some people it just never started again. If someone has 3-4 kids - that could be six years without sex. It's easy to say "leave" but they are clinging on hoping that it will settle, the kids will get older, more privacy, less touched out = back to normal. I know it's not mumsnet's style but some people actually believe in trying to get through the tough early childhood years.

It's also easy to say "accept it with grace!" but that's bloody hard! Both sides feel somewhat resentful and hard done by. The OP is probably sick of being pressured and is apparently willing to lie back and think of england once a fortnight. Her DH (shockingly!) probably does not want to pseudo-rape his clearly-not-enjoying-it wife every 2 weeks and may be sick of his wife looking at him with revulsion and cringing every time he comes near.

I actually applaud the OP's DH because he seems to be doing what you are asking. He's thinking about leaving. Of course, if the OP posted in a month stating that her DH left because he didn't get enough sex (as you suggest he should), you'd probably be the first to call him every name in the book! So, it just seems like he can't win. If he leaves, he's a sad shallow asshole who dumps his wife and young children just to get his leg over. If he stays, he's a controlling abuser and basically a rapist. Lucky him!

Why is it so hard for OP to have sex? You don't have to be in the mood so its an earth shattering meeting of body soul and mind each time, a quickie would keep hubbie happy and OP might get more into it.

Why is there post after post saying how H should strive to make OP happy but very few saying OP needs to.

Well said, Apple.

Why is it so hard for OP to have sex? You don't have to be in the mood so its an earth shattering meeting of body soul and mind each time, a quickie would keep hubbie happy

Why is it so fucking hard to understand that woman (anyone) are allowed to say no, I don't want to have sex. I don't want your penis inside, no matter how quick you think it will be, no matter how happy it will make you, no matter if you will wash the fucking dishes for a week!!!

Look, the easiest way I can find to say this is this

A woman's body is not a fucking shop that has 'closed' on it when she has her period, or her child is sick, or she is tired, and has 'open' on it at all other times.

It isn't a shop that when 'open' she has to make herself available for her dh to enter her at any given time he feels he "needs/wants" to. She isn't a shop that should supply things to keep her dh happy despite it making her miserable.

She isn't a fucking robot that as soon as her dh is being a little more reasonable she forgets that he acts like a juvenile when she says no?

I've been there, done that, and it's not a fucking treat, let me tell you. Do you think it is a 'fucking treat' to feel like all you are is a wank sock? Do you think it is a 'fucking treat' to be made to feel unreasonable because you don't want sex?

The thing is, after a couple of weeks that started to burn into me - I'd try to ignore it, but eventually you realise that you're not as exciting as X-Factor....and that fucking hurts. Do you think it is doesn't 'fucking hurt' to feel like all you are is a wank sock? Do you think it doesn't 'fucking hurt' to be made to feel unreasonable because you don't want sex?

This is worth repeating, because of all the 'woe is me, I haven't has sex for a year' people have taken over...

the op is talking about TWO FUCKING WEEKS, due to

ILLNESS (HERS)
PERIODS
TIREDNESS (op works full time)

KIDS ILLNESS

if you leave your partner because you haven't has sex for 2 weeks because s/he is ill/has her period/you are ill/kids are sick, you are a selfish fucker who your partner is better off without. Male or female.

If you haven't had sex for an overly long time & you are not getting any answers & getting dicked around, by all means, leave. But to moan about no sex for 2 weeks doesn't make you sound like a very nice person.

I see OP whining because H wants sex more often and Her H whining because she doesn't want sex very often if at all.

They are both as bad as each other,

How hard would it be for OP to break this cycle or H to break this cycle and meet halfway?!

It wouldn't......neither want to compromise

As long as I'm not feeling resentful towards my partner about other things, I do love the feeling of closeness that very regular sex brings. A quickie is fine. Sex should good for both partners not something the woman endures.
OP hasn't been back for a while.

Wildbillfemale read the OP's posts again. She doesn't say she doesn't want sex very much at all - she mentions with positivity long periods when their sex life is very active. And she certainly isn't whining.

For her H to "breaks the cycle" he could stop behaving in a selfish, manipulative and childish way. For her to "break the cycle" she has to compromise her bodily integrity and have sex with said selfish, manipulative, childish man when she doesn't really want to. It's not a balanced situation.

It is a balanced situation - they are both equally behaving like idiots and their marriage is going down the pan because neither is willing to compromise. There's a childish stand off on both sides.

FWIW I don't really give a monkeys if some whining stubborn marrieds can't sort out a simple thing like this - it'll be a post about an OW next, then separating etc etc, it's like watching a car crash in slow motion.

You can bang on about bodily rights all you like but it's not sorting the problem and 'compromise her bodily integrity'....lol what are you on!

if you don't take bodily integrity seriously then i'm not sure you understand much about relationships at all

OP isn't having sex when she is ill, or has her period, or is tired.

Do you really think women should be available to have sex all the fucking time just to appease men?

She isn't complaining that her dh wants sex more often, she is complaining he acts like a fucking toddler when she says no (occasionally)

perhaps RTFT again & read it properly!